Wish I had my mom!!!!!

To those who have been keeping updated with my blog post and have read previous post from the beginning will know what I mean when I write this. I will say it again. I was molested by two family members. An uncle and my stepfather. My mom didn't believe me when I told her about my uncle molesting me so I never really tried telling her everything my stepfather had done to me. I tried telling her at one point about the looks he would give me but she said I was only saying that because of my sister who was also molested by our stepfather which my mother did not believe her as well which is one of my reasons I did not tell my mom about him. So anyway that's just a brief summary of what happened. 

So.......How many of you have every seen the movie Georgia Rule with Lindsey Lohan and Jane Fonda?Well I can surely relate to that movie and many of you can. Basically Lohan plays the role of a girl who was molested by her stepfather and her mother doesn't believe her at first. Lohan in the movie is this girl who tries to look for love in the wrong places and with older men because of what happened to her...........

Anyway the reason I bring up that movie is because both me and my sister can relate to that story since our mom did not want to believe us when we told her we were abused. In the movie at the end the mom and daughter reconcile because she finally realized that her daughter wasn't lying about what happened. 

So...................the reason why i titled this I wish I had my mom is because she still doesn't want to believe us or accept the fact that her husband is an abuser and she is still with him. I wish that I had a mom that would believe me and tell me that everything is going to be fine and that she will always be there. But I don't. It still bothers me as you can see that I do not have her support but at the same time, i have my sister, my brother in law and many friends and supporters by my side. And I thank each and everyone of you for having my back. I wish I had that but I know I will be ok.

To those who complain about your parents and such please I say to you do not mistreat them. Love them and listen to what they say. I never did anything wrong to her, but she is such in denial that its horrible. But anyways I am ok. No worries. I have been healing and even though I dont have her support I have yours. love you all. 

I am not a counselor I am an advocate!!!!

I AM NOT A COUNSELOR I AM AN ADVOCATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys I just wanted to let you all know that I am not a counselor yet. I am majoring in Psychology to become a counselor but I am not one yet. I can not really offer to much advice to any one because I can get in trouble if something goes wrong. The only thing I can offer is the different organizations that you can call to help you if have a crisis. I share my story in hopes that other victims can come forward and share their voices and be free from their abusers. I can say that I am free from mine. I know that there are alot of people out there that my say I can not relate to them because I was just molested. I know how it feels to be betrayed by a friend or family member. I know how it is to feel sick and disgusted. I know how it feels to think it is your fault, that you did something wrong. Well guess what, ITS NOT OUR FAULT. WE DID NOTHING WRONG. WE DID NOT BEG FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO US. WE DID NOT ASK TO GET RAPED OR MOLESTED. WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

We are survivors. We made it our. We are free and we should stick together and end the silence on abuse. To many people remain in silent because of not being believe. The abusers made sure that you will not speak out because if you do they no longer will have control. SPEAK OUT AND GET THE JUSTICE YOU DESERVE. I COULDN'T RECEIVE JUSTICE ( if you read previous posts you will understand why). I AM GETTING MY JUSTICE BY SPEAKING OUT. I AM NOT LONGER A VICTIM. I AM A SURVIVOR. YOU CAN BE ONE TOO. SEEK HELP. THERE ARE SO MANY ORGANIZATIONS THAT CAN HELP. ONE THAT IS VERY GOOD TO HELP IS RAINN. CHECK OUT THEIR WEBSITE BELOW....

http://www.rainn.org 

Love this song. I think we can all relate to this.

I'm Back!!

Hey guys I know its been a while since I wrote in my blog. Nothing really new is going on except for doing good is school. For those who do not know, I am in an online University called Ashford and I am majoring in Psychology to become a counselor for women and children and youth. I may have already mentioned this in previous post so forgive me if  I seem to repeat myself quite a bit. I want to help others who share the same stories as I do. I know what it is like to be a victim of sexual abuse. Although my abuse may not have been as bad as what other went through and I am so sorry for those who had to deal with that, but I do know how you feel. You feel betrayed, hurt, disgusted, blaming yourself for what happened even though you somehow know that it is not your fault. I blamed myself for a while because of the way my body betrayed me. I hated how I felt at the times I was being abused. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. But I have come to realize that no of this was my fault. I did nothing to make them want to touch me and kiss on me. They were just sick people who didn't know better. I wish I could go back in time and change all of this. I have been asked " if i could go back and seek justice, would I do it? " My respond would be yes I do wish I could go back and get the justice I deserve and put those pervs in jail for what they did but its too late now. I wish I was brave enough to come forward and speak out. You see so many people come forward and it makes you think " what is wrong with me? Why couldn't be that brave and come out? " Its hard to come out and speak to someone about that. You are not sure how they are going to respond. You are not sure if they are going to believe you. I know its hard. I had to deal with my mother not believing me when I told her about one of the abusers which was my uncle. My stepfather was another one but I didn't tell her because she loves him and she didn't believe it when my sister told her so I knew she wouldn't believe me. (For those who are confused about that last statement, my older sister was also molested by our stepfather but my mother didn't believe her).

Anyway I know its hard to talk to a parent about sexual assault because of how it MAKES YOU FEEL!!. But you should find someone you really confide in and talk to them. Don't make the same mistake I made and kept silent for over ten years and have to deal with all the emotions overflowing at once. It was hard dealing with the emotions since i hid them for so long. Its hard but you can do it. You can receive justice. You can get out. You have to try. There are also different organizations you can join and follow. Some of them are The Joyful Heart Foundation by Mariska Hargitay ( @TheJHF @Mariska ), RAINN (@RAINN01), NSVRC (@NSVRC ) and several others you can find on twitter and such.

I really hope you all get the help and justice you deserve. I deserved it but I didn't have the courage to speak out then. I hope you can speak out and use your voice. Share your story. Use your voice. Lets be a voice to those who never had their voices heard.( #ISTANDUP for justice and speaking out. No longer will I remain in silence. #BreakingTheSilence through my blog)<<<<<<< This is my daily tweet that I do everyday or so often. Join me if you like. Retweet it and rewrite it.

Facebook!!!

As some of you may know as I have written on my twitter, I was debating on whether or not to post a status saying I am a survivor. The reason why I didn't want to or was ready to post it is because not everyone on there which is mostly family knows about what happened to me and if i were to put it on my facebook than somehow it would get to my mom because of my family thats on there.

Well................................. I actually posted a status last night on behalf of Sexual Assault Awareness Month #SAAM, that I am a survivor and that our Lord Jesus is healing me through all of it. I do not want to sound conceded but I am very proud of myself because it has taken alot of me to do that. I was really nervous but I CANT KEEP RUNNING. I CANT KEEP HIDING THE TRUTH.  I want to be able to be more open about what happened to me. So i just wanted to give you goes a little update.

THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING MY JOURNEY AND MY BLOG. I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF YOU. GOD BLESS YOU.

My mother is in denial!!!!!

Hey everyone. Hope everyone has enjoyed their Easter this past weekend. Well today's post is going to be able my mother. Not so much but the thing I want to discuss is that I know I have wrote previously that my mother doesn't know about my stepfather abusing me but she knows that I was abused by my uncle. Well I really didn't lie about it but she does know but like I said she is in denial. The thing is that when my sister first came out and told our mother that she was abused by our stepfather, she and my sister also asked me if I was abused. I did try to tell her and when I tried to tell her and talk my mother just shut me up. After that I never really tried to tell her because I knew she would not believe me. SO I did tell her but she was not wanting to listen and that in a way still hurts because she is the one person that is suppose to be there and believe you no matter what. But I have come to realize that she is never going to accept it and I have to just move on. But one thing that I have to say is that I am very proud of myself. I am not ashamed to be a survivor. I am not ashamed to keep using my voice to speak out. I am ok with who ever wants to see this and read this and be blessed. I know God is helping me through my healing journey. I know I am healing. I feel free. I am no longer a victim BUT a survivor.

There are a few reasons why I am writing this post but one of the reasons why is because even though that one person does not want to believe you, there are many others who will believe you and help you get the help you need to begin your healing journey. You can even begin the way I did and start a blog and share your story. Since I began to speak out last year I know I have gained my strength back and my voice. You can gain your voice back too if you just share your story with others rather its online or just going to someone you trust and tell them. Someone will believe you.

 I BELIEVE YOU. I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO NOT HAVE THAT PERSON BY YOUR SIDE. YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH. I CAN GUARANTEE THAT. SEEK OUT ORGANIZATIONS LIKE RAINN AND THE JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION FOUNDED BY MARISKA HARGITAY WHO IS MY INSPIRATION AND A ROLE MODEL TO MANY SURVIVORS. THERE ARE OTHER ORGANIZATIONS AS WELL. STAY BLESSED AND BE BLESSED. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

RJ Helton - Delicate Child

We can relate to this song. But we are survivors and we can fight together. We are no longer a victim. We can have our lives back if we choose to.