Thankful...

I first want to start off by saying that i am thankful to all those who started following my blog and who are also getting healed through reading my blog. I want to continue to encourage you all to speak out against abuse. I know i may have already said this but i can't stress this enough the reason why i couldn't speak out and seek justice. Yes i am speaking out online and such but i cant do it pubically because of my mother. If you look through all my post, i cant remember which one, i had written that i couldn't tell my mother because she wouldn't believe me and she loves her husband dearly. She also suffers from heart problems so i dare not tell her now what her precious husband had done to me. I never sought justice because she didnt believe that he could do such thing. The worse part of it all is that his family even told her not to marry him because he had a history of molesting girls from his previous relationship but she ignored everyone and still married him. It makes me sick to hear that and know that she still chose him after being told something like that. What mother in the right mind would chose a man like that and who had a history like that. I promised myself that i would never do such thing and i would believe my child if they told me something like that. I hate that she is in denial about everything. There has been times that i wanted to tell her about it but i couldnt work up the courage to tell her. I wish i could go back in time and stop this from ever happening. I know this may sound wrong but in ways what i been through made me the person i am today. I am stronger. I am wiser. I am a survivor and through my story and through my blog i know that someone out there will see this and have the courage the speak out and tell someone. Please dont make the same mistake i made and not tell when it first happens. Get the help you need. I chose to be quiet because i was ashamed of myself for allowing it to happen. I felt it was my fault. But you know what IT WASNT MY FAULT!!!!!!! Same goes to you!!! ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!! We never asked for this to happen to us. We never wanted this. DO NOT ALLOW those who harmed you say that you asked for this. We never did nor will ever ask for something like this to happen. Its not our fault.No matter who you felt, no matter who your body felt during the abuse its not your fault. Please believe that. There are people who are standing by and who will support you and stand by your side like myself. I have chosen to use my voice and share my story with the world. I have chosen to be a voice to those who have kept silent for many years. You are not alone. I am here. Please SPEAK OUT!!!! NO MORE SILENCE!!!!

Older Men.....

I have always wondered why suddenly i have been attracted to older men. I realized that its because i was molested by my step-dad and uncle and my real father was not around as much. Him and my mother have been divorce since i about 2 and a half and 3 so my stepfather raised me since then. I pretty much viewed him as my father. He was always there for me. He took care of me. When i was sick he would rubbed vicks vapor rub on my back and chest. When he was doing that he would start to rub my nipples with the palm of his hands. Since i saw him as my father i didn't know or think anything of it. I just thought it was normal for a dad to do that to his child. As i got a little older still only like 9 or 10 or so he would scratch my back. Again i thought nothing of it. He would scratch along side my arm where with his fingers he could touch my breast. I thought nothing of it. I was never taught good touch/bad touch. The first time that he got more into touching me was when i was sick with pneumonia. I was around the age of 10 or so. My mother had gone to Florida to visit my sister at that time. I was in his room which was where the television was at. I was seating on the couch. I was feeling sick so i stayed in his and my moms room. He then would start to kiss me. I didn't know what to do. In many ways my body started to act crazy. I didn't understand what was going on. I hate that reaction. How does a ten year old now about the way her body is suppose to act towards something like this. My body enjoyed it although the rest of me did not. I hate it so much. I wanted to scream but i was sick and i was in a daze. I felt like this couldn't be happening to me. I would stop and tell him to stop but then he would bribe with money and sweets. Then i would still let him touch me. After a while i had gotten up to use the bathroom.Then i went to my room. He then followed me and pinned me against the wall and began moving his body back and forth as though in a sexual manner. Again i didn't know what to do or say. I just stood there and let him do that to me. After years went on i would still let him scratch my back. He even started rubbing me feet when i had started working. When he did that he would start moving his hand more up my pant leg and rub my legs. I felt uncomfortable but again me body felt otherwise. I hate the fact that my body enjoyed that. I hate myself for allowing that man to continue to touch me even after what he did. I couldn't stand it. The sad part to all of this isn't what happened to me but the fact that i couldn't tell my mother. When i had told her about my uncle she didn't do anything about it so why would she do something with this man. So the point that i am getting is that by all of this that happen to me, not having a true male role model in my life or daddy figure, i am drawn to other men. I guess i am just looking for that guy to give me the love i never felt from my stepdad nor my real father. So i am praying that i can change and not allow my abuse to have that much control over my life. So i am speaking out against remaining silent and from allowing my abuse to control my life. I am no longer a victim but am a strong survivor.

Pros and Cons of keeping silent........

I have decided to make my own pros and con list of why it is hard to keep silent and to most why it is ok to keep silent.These are what i think happens since it happened to me. Im going to start off with the Cons.... Here we go....
Cons
-Your emotions go haywire.
-Your flashbacks are worse.
-Flashbacks are more frequent.
-Since you kept the hurt to yourself in ways you try to deny it happened
-You start to believe that is was your fault.
-You feel like you deserve it
-You begin to think no one will believe you.
-You become depress and start to cut yourself.

Pros
WELL THERE ARE NO PROS TO KEEPING SILENT. SPEAK OUT NOW. DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE I DID. I NEVER SPOKE OUT TO SOMEONE ABOUT MY ABUSE. I KEPT SILENT FOR 10+ YRS. NO ONE BELIEVE. NO EVEN MY MOTHER. IF THERE IS SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOU AND HELP YOU OUT PLEASE GO AND TALK TO THEM ABOUT YOUR ABUSE. DON'T HOLD IN IT. ITS NOT WORTH THE PAIN. THE SUFFERING YOU HAVE TO ENDURE WHEN YOU KEPT SILENT. I WAS SUICIDAL AT ONE POINT. I USED TO CUT MYSELF. I STOPPED BECAUSE I WAS ABLE TO MOVE OUT THE HOUSE EVEN THOUGH IT TOOK MY TIL I WAS 24 YEARS OLD. YOU HAVE TO SPEAK OUT. PLEASE!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I MAY NOT BE THERE PHYSICALLY BUT I AM HERE FOR THOSE WHO NEED SUPPORT. ALTHOUGH I WAS NOT RAPED BUT I WAS MOLESTED TWICE SO I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE HURT. ITS HARD. BUT IN THE END YOU WILL BE OK. YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT. AS WELL AS SUPPORT FROM OTHER SURVIVORS AND PLACES TO GO TO. I FOUND SUPPORT THROUGH THE JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION WHICH WAS CREATED BY MARISKA HARGITAY. SHE IS AMAZING AND SHE HELPS VICTIMS. YOU CAN REACH OUT TO THAT FOUNDATION. VISIT THE WEBSITE. THERE IS ALSO ONE CALLED RAINN. YOU HAVE OPTIONS. I DIDNT. PLEASE GET HELP. IM HERE IF YOU NEED ENCOURAGEMENT OR JUST THAT LITTLE PUSH. YOU CAN DO IT. I HAVE FAITH IN YOU ALL. DON'T GIVE OUR ABUSERS THAT JUSTICE. THE FACT THAT THEY HAD POWER OVER US. WE ARE NO LONGER VICTIMS. WE ARE SURVIVORS AND WE WILL STAND STRONG TOGETHER.

Child Abuse

Child Abuse in America

Children are suffering from a hidden epidemic of child abuse and neglect. Over 3 million reports of child abuse are made every year in the United States; however, those reports can include multiple children. In 2009, approximately 3.3 million child abuse reports and allegations were made involving an estimated 6 million children. 

GENERAL STATISTICS    


   . A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds

*More than five children die every day as a result of child abuse.

Approximately 80% of children that die from abuse are under the age of 4. 

It is estimated that between 50-60% of child fatalities due to maltreatment are not recorded as such on death certificates. 

More than 90% of juvenile sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator in some way. 

Child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse. 

About 80% of 21 year olds that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder. 

The estimated annual cost of child abuse and neglect in the United States for 2007 is $104 billion. 

• Abused children are 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy. 
• Abused teens are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at greater risk for STDs.
• 14% of all men in prison in the USA were abused as children. 
• 36% of all women in prison were abused as children. 
• Children who experience child abuse & neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violent crime. 
• One-third to two-thirds of child maltreatment cases involve substance use to some degree. 
• Children whose parents abuse alcohol and other drugs are three times more likely to be abused and more than four times more likely to be neglected than children from non-abusing families.
• As many as two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse reported being abused or neglected as children.

Should I or Shouldnt I........

Well some may already now that i am majoring in psychology. I will be getting my bachelors degree in four years to become a counselor for victims since i have been through the same things as them. My biggest fear is that i will not be able to keep my composure when it comes to counseling them. Im afraid of triggers, emotions and memories of the abuse. I hate when my emotions get the best of me. I hate when i have to deal with the memories of what happened to me. I hate that. I can deal with what happened to me but when it comes to the emotions its really hard to get through them. Why is that? So my thing is this. Am i really going for the right career path? Or am i just going to have to deal with this and just follow my dreams. I know the answer to this question. Just needed to say it aloud. I know i can help many women and children just through my own experiences. I have already been helping people and i love the responses im getting from it. It makes me feel better when i can make someone who has been through a rough time feel better and understand that what happened to them was not their fault. I know that what i been through was not my fault. Some times i still struggle with things that happened to me. Some times i feel disgusted at the fact that my body enjoyed what it been through. I hate that. I hate myself at times because of that. I don't like it at all. But i learned that its normal for that to happen. It doesn't mean that we wanted it to happened or that we actually enjoyed it. Another thing that i hated was that i did not stop him right away. Its like i wanted more. I still hate myself for allowing myself to do that. I hate it. One thing that i have to say is this; one episode of Law and Order SVU Mariska Hargitay's character Det. Olivia said something that made me think. She said that some victims tend to seek out older men in relationships to fell in the void of not having that male figure in your life. I tend to do that. For some reason i am attracted to older men. I like them. Not sure if it has to do with what i been through but that made me think about what im doing. Is it really wrong though. Anyway i just wanted to share this little piece of my life at the moment and what im thinking about. I know i made the right choice in my degree and i hope i can succeed in it.

How i covered my abuse.......

I know i have shared my story so many times and i keep adding some more things to it but there are some things i didn't talk about. And that is how i acted and the things i did to get or feel the love that i never truly felt. What i mean is that the fact that i was abused by two males in my family destroyed me. I felt like i could never truly be loved by a man and even til this day even though i try my best to not allow myself to do the things that i am about to share, but  feel at times what man will love me after knowing what happen to me. Or am i going to be able to trust a man. Before i go into that again what i want to share is this. When i was 20yrs old i had my first real boyfriend. He was a sweet guy. I had known him since elementary school. When we were together i had told him what happened to me. He was shocked about it but told me he would never hurt me. Although he had not hurt me the problem was that i allowed myself to fall so hard for this guy. Although i had known him for a long time, it had been years since i hadn't seen or heard from him. Anyway he turned out to be the first guy i had sex with. I was very nervous and scared. I really did care about him. We ended up breaking things off because he was not working and i was. He wanted to try and fix his life before getting more serious. What happen after that is what im trying to make a point out of. After him for some reason i wanted to keep having sex. It felt good to me. I felt loved every time i was intimate with this guy or a guy for that matter. Several months after we broke up we met up again and we started sneaking around to fool around with each other. I was craving that intimacy. I wanted so badly to feel loved by a man. I didn't grow up with my real dad. For me my dad was my step-dad although he molested me. He said he loved me but what father loves his daughter and then molests her. That's no father. Any way I felt that love from the guys i started having sex with. After him months passed and i found someone else. Again i feel hard for this person. The worse part i found him online. I was so desperate to have a man in my life instead of waiting for the right one i would go and search for him. I thank God i didnt not turn out pregnant which i almost did with the second guy or end up with a STD. I did some crazy things but after a while of talking to some friends i realized that my actions was me crying out for help and trying to tell you there is something wrong with my. Why dont you pay attention and ask me whats going on. That was the problem with my mom. She was never one to sit down with you and ask you how was your day at school or if you were upset about something she would tell you to suck it up and get over it. That is why i still struggle with my emotions. I still hide them and get embarrassed when they show. But going back to what i was saying. My point to all of this is that since i was abused and wasnt or didnt have anyone to run to about it, i covered it up by acting out in a sexual manner when i got older. Im 24 now and im still struggling to not make that mistake again. I still need some healing in my. These wounds to me are still fresh because of the fact that i held everything in for over ten years. So what im saying is that although now i started talking about my abuse i still struggle with memories, emotions and how my body wants to do things that i dont want. My abuse took that toll on me and im done with. I choose to be now and forever a SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AND USE MY VOICE TO SPEAK OUT.

Where i am now........

Well as of now i am a college student. I started school in June of this year. I am majoring in Psychology to become a counselor for victims who have been abused. I always wanted to be a social worker or teacher when i was younger. I love working with children and talking to people and helping them get through a rough time. As i got older the career choices i had didn't really feel so good to me any more. The thing was that i was never motivated to go and pursue what i had wanted to be because my parents never finished school so to them going to college wasn't as important as it is to others. So the fact that it took me til now to go to college was not so much as being lazy but the fact of not being motivated to go to school and get a higher education. Anyway the go back to what i was saying my passion to become a counselor was when i started speaking out about what happen to me. Although i just begin speaking out online this year i actually spoke out before when i would be with them. Also some of my friends would always ask me for advice for whatever they were going through and i realized that i loved talking to them. I love helping them. But honestly it was not until i found out about Mariska Hargitay's Joyful Heart Foundation and the fact that through my blog i had people reaching out to me because i am a survivor of molestation. The asked for my help and i was able to help those through my experiences. It was then that i actually looked into Ashford University which is an online university to pursue my career to become a counselor. I want to help women, children and teens. I have an act for working with mostly teens but i want to work with women older as well. My passion grow from wanting to be a social worker to becoming a counselor. I love that i can help those and hope one day i can share my story publically and reach out to many more.