I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE AND SPEAKING OUT!!!!

I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE AND SPEAKING OUT is my daily tweet that i use when i am on my twitter to help end the silence against abuse and to help shed light on this issue. Through my blog i am using my voice to end the silence. I spoke out the beginning of this year and i only started speaking out online. I have not spoke out publically to my mother or anything like that because of what i wrote in my previous posts. The reason i create my blog is to help others speak out and to give others a voice. I know there are many out there who need a voice and i chose to be that voice. I am breaking my silence and if by chance any one in my family sees this and it gets back to my mom its ok. Someday when its right i will tell her the truth but as of now i cant. But that besides the point. I want to help others get the justice they deserve. I did deserve justice when i was first molested about 10+yrs ago. But as a child you are afraid to say anything to your mom especially when it is her husband who is molesting you. How as a child do you have courage to speak out to your mom or just anyone you trust? Its hard. Some do not have that courage. I didn't. In ways i still do not have courage to tell her her husband abused me and im 24 yrs old. I'm originally from the state of Connecticut and according to some research i did online, the statute of limitations is that you have until your 48th birthday to report the abuse that occurred. I'm not sure how accurate that is but if that is the case i still can. But the choice is still mine and if i did have the opportunity then i will seek justice. But as of now i am encouraging others to seek the help they need. Do not make the same mistake as I. I know its a scary thought to speak out about abuse. I know its hard and its something you really need to be courageous about but in the end you will feel a lot better. I know it seems pointless sometime because you see shows like Law and Order SVU and sometime the victims do not get the justice but the fact that you spoke out pubically and expose that person as a rapist or molester is a great thing. If you are familiar with the actress Mariska Hargitay from the show SVU her character Det. Olivia Benson said this to the victims, " TRUE HEALING COMES WHEN YOU BEAR WITNESS!" Well i believe those are the words she used. Its a true statement. Please do not be discouraged but if there is a point where that would happen be very proud of yourself for speaking out and getting help.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK. YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO SPEAK OUT. DO NOT BE AFRAID. I UNDERSTAND IT IS DIFFICULT. LOOK AT HOW LONG IT TOOK ME. I KNOW ITS SCARY. I KNOW HOW IT IS TO FEEL LIKE NO ONE WILL BELIEVE BUT GUESS WHAT!! I BELIEVE YOU. I SUPPORT YOU. I WILL BE HERE WITH AND FOR YOU. I AM YOUR VOICE. LETS FIGHT THIS FIGHT TOGETHER. LETS BREAK THE SILENCE. WE ARE FREE. WE CAN HEAL TOGETHER!!!

I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE AND SPEAKING OUT. NO LONGER WILL I ALLOW MY ABUSERS TO CONTROL ME. I AM BREAKING THE SILENCE NOW!!!!! NO MORE VICTIMS!!!!!! NO MORE SILENCE!!!!!!!

Open Eyes Open Arns

This is a website that i have shared my story on as well. They are an organization that helps victims. Please help and support them. Thank you.

Open Eyes Open Arms is a web-based non-profit organization formed to combat the issue of sexual and domestic violence young women face in our nation. We open our arms to the women these types of crimes affect, and open the eyes of the world to the many faces of victims of the abuse. We want to help women realize their own self-worth, as well as the importance of caring for their mind, body and soul. It is vital for the young women in our society to learn their worth, as this will empower them to overcome any obstacle in life. Open Eyes Open Arms is a safe haven for women to share, learn and grow; a place where they can be rest assured they are not alone. GIVE SOME HOLIDAY HOME. This Season Open Eyes Open Arms are raising money to purchase clothing and gift items, as well as to fund future projects for Open Eyes, Open Arms. At any trauma center, after a survivor goes through a rape exam they must surrender their clothing as evidence. This Christmas we will be raising money to purchase a variety of clothing in all sizes for survivors. We will also be purchasing comforting gifts, e.g. teddy bears, to give to survivors of all ages so they can leave the trauma center feeling they have something to hold on to. Please help provide this crucial support to victims. From a survivor herself, the President and Founder of Open Eyes Open Arms, just wants to give back what she has once received. You can check them out at www.openeyesopenarms.com or follow them on twitter @OpenEOpenA

This is a great site. Support them with me. Follow them on twitter and check out there website. Thank you for supporting them. If your supporting me through my blog, please i ask you to help them as well. Thank you. We need to stick together. Through Open Eyes and myself and all of you we can continue to spread the word and shed light to all other victims.

One of my fears!!!!!

Hey everyone. I know its been days since i last wrote something here. Just been busy with work and school. This will be a short post. Just want to make a point and such.

Anyway i want to talk about one of my fears. Although i know it will not happen nor will i ever allow it to happen, i was afraid that i myself would become an ABUSER. I know it wont happen but there are women who are molested as well. In my opinion its rare when you hear cases that involve women vs child. I know men become abusers because most of them have been abused themselves and most of them do not report it so in ways they in turn start to abuse women and children. I was afraid that i may become one. I do not want to. I want to break that cycle. I am ending it now. I AM BREAKING THE SILENCE AND THE CHAIN OF ABUSE. IT ENDS WITH ME. ITS ENDS WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!! NO LONGER WILL WE ALLOW THIS ABUSE TO OCCUR. WE WILL NOT BECOME ABUSERS OURSELVES. WE ARE STRONGER THAN WE THINK. USE OUR VOICES TO KEEP SEEKING JUSTICE AND SPEAKING OUT. LETS END THE ABUSE!!!! WE WILL BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE. WE WILL NOT ALLOW OUR ABUSERS TO MAKE US FEEL WORTHLESS, UGLY, WEAK, FEARFUL. WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT. WE ARE STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, FEARLESS!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM YOUR VOICE AND I STAND UP FOR ALL OF YOU. IF YOU ARE AFRAID I AM HERE. I WILL SPEAK OUT AGAINST ABUSE FOR YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. NOT NOW NOT EVER!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE FREE!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE SUPPORTED!!!!!!!

My abuser may be my father!!!

As you all know i was molested twice. By an uncle and my stepfather. Well I am going back and telling you another part of my story which will make you think the same question Is my stepfather (abuser) my real father?

I never knew this before. I had just found out recently by my sister. We started joking about it even thoug it was something we shouldnt joke about but in the end, it made me think if it could be true.
Here goes.......

Before i was born, my parents were always fighting and such. I dont remember much about my childhood other then some things that happened and such. When me and my sister were talking she told me that my mom had cheated on my father and missed around with the man who is my stepfather since the age of 2 or 3. I never knew that. Well anyway now that i think about and put all the facts together there could be a connection. The first thing is that my mother didnt know that she was pregnant with me. She didnt find out til she was like 3 or 4 months pregnant. The second thing is that i have a mark on my head on the side and my stepfather has that mark on the exact same spot as i do. I find that crazy and sick. I know there can be a possibility but i do not want to be true. I know i havent fully reacted in a way to tell him that it was wrong what he did nor did i make a scene. But if it ever turned out that he is my father i would die. The fact that he molested my sister and i its sickening. I dont know what i would do with my life. I hope and pray its not true. Im sorry if this offends anyone or causes triggers. I know it must be hard to have a parent who caused you this misery and had another parent who did nothing. I hate the fact that my mom knew he did something to my sister and didnt do anything about it. The thing is that my sister spoke out to her about it. I havent. My fear is that she will blame my sister for putting those thoughts in my head when its not her fault. He did molest me. It felt like he was going to rape me because he kept moving his body back and forth while he pinned me against the wall. I hope this doesnt happen to anyone else. I hope that through this blog who ever reads it will find courage and speak out. Lets end the silence together. No longer will we allow THEM to silence us. Lets speak out together. No more silence.. No more victims...

If i could turn back time......But if i did..........

If i could turn back time i would go back to the time that i was molested and erase it. I hate the fact that i was molested. I hate that i still go through the emotions. I hate triggers. I cant stand feeling this way. I hate having dreams about the abuse. I hate constantly seeing his face in my head.

But..........................

If i did turn back time and erase what happened to me i wouldnt be as strong as i am today. Im not saying that you have to go through something like this or worse to make you stronger but i always thought that if you do experience things like this and get through it, it shows you that you are strong and you survived. You can survive anything. Yes its hard to overcome what you are going through but that doesnt mean you will never get through. You can still make the most of your life. It may not be the way it used to be but you can still continue on. The way i am healing and over coming my abuse is by talking more about it and using my voice to help spread the word on silence of abuse and trying to help others seek help and justice. I stand up for justice and for speaking out. WE can use our voices together to help end this silence of abuse. By using my voice i know that i can help someone overcome their abuse and/or seek help. You can do the same. Just take baby steps. Find someone you fully trust and talk to them about what happen. Then later on find support groups online like The Joyful Heart foundation by Mariska Hargitay and RAINN which has been helping me. I found other survivors who have been very supportive. You can do the same. Maybe even start your own blog. You can heal from this. Whatever it is your going through you can overcome it. Trust me. You will overcome it. It takes time but you are not alone.

Katie' story.

It was 8th grade. I was in our church school. Bullied by our pastor's two boys for two years straight. Name-calling, demeaning, made me feel like a fool, would never amount to anything.... I silently broke down. Cried every day, went to school, put up with the abuse, went home, crying from the pain... I started cutting to deal with all the pain.. stop doing my school work, figured I was a loser anyway, especially since I was told that daily. Abused when it came to P.E. Well, my mom finally found out, & we spoke out, made it worse... People who knew nothing about it, picked sides and blamed me... Was still depressed. Set my record for high school. Went to a different school, same stuff happened... I continued to cut, and hurt myself in other ways, fell way behind in school... Just didn't care.... Tried to take my life several times... Went to therapy... Started getting better. Doing a lot better now, but still have my hard days.

Recovery!

"You survived the abuse, You'll survive the recovery"
These were the last words spoken from Det. Benson (Mariska Hargitay) in Law and Order Svu this week. Those words really touched me. The whole episode touched me and in some ways made me cringe. I know what its like to not have anyone believe your story. My uncle molested me around the age of 12 or so. I was also molested by my stepfather around a younger age til i was around 14. Like i said in previous post i never told me mother because she didn't believe it when it happened to my older sister. She was also molested by our stepfather. So i never told my mother that he did the same to me. The reason why i am using those words from the show is because at one point i thought i was not going to make it. When i started speaking out this years the emotions and memories became so unbearable. I couldn't sleep or anything. I would cry myself to sleep. I started cutting myself again. I got to a point where i would lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Then i would get  the urge to do the worse thing possible. I stared at the bathroom medicine cabinet and stare at my moms heart medicine. The emotions took control and i wanted to just overdose on those pills. I didn't care anymore. I had no one. No one cared about me. My real dad was and still is not in good terms with me nor in speaking terms because of others things that occurred. Anyway it was really hard to be home at that time. And the thing was that i was living at home with my abuser because my mother didn't want to except that he would do such a thing. I started healing when i started speaking out on the Joyful Heart Foundation which is again created by Mariska Hargitay. I found support there as well as twitter and other sexual assault survivor groups and such. When i moved out of my moms and his house and into my sisters i was able to sleep alot better. My stress went down. My emotions were becoming more controlled. My memories at times faded. Not completely. I still have triggers and flashbacks but not as bad as when i was still at home.
So what i am trying to say is that even though things may seem so hard, in the end the recovery is so worth it. We can gain our lives back. We don't have to keep allowing our abusers to have control over us. Once you speak out, its out in the open. Our abusers cant do anything about it. The are now no longer in control of us. We need to stand strong together and be there. I am here to give you a voice and to encourage you to continue and seek help. You can do it. You not alone. I will be here every step of the way. Like i said before and i continue to say, even though i myself have not sought justice i encourage you to do so. My time is over. I cant do anything now. All i can do is speak out and make sure that he knows he CAN NOT CONTROL ME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can do the same.