I am ok!!!!!!!!

As you all know i have been debating that i wanted and needed to tell my mother about my abuse from her husband. Well this passed five days we had a revival in our church and it was incredible. God moved in so many ways and He spoke to me. ( Yes I am a Christian) God told me that what i had  been through, all the hurt and pain i had to go through for a reason. It was to make me stronger and make me a better person. I am strong. I know that He has healed my wounds and my pain that i had endured for so many years. The abuse didn't last through all these years but the memories and pain from it had made me suffer all this time. I know i help encourage others through my blog and my story but i couldn't admit to myself or others that I needed help myself. I thought that I was ok. But I wasn't. It took me a long time to realize that i needed help. I finally got help one by talking to RAINN online hotline and also by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He healed me for good. I no longer feel sorry for myself. I FORGAVE MYSELF. I FORGAVE MY ABUSERS. NO LONGER WILL I ALLOW MY PAIN TO CONTROL ME. NO MORE. I AM HEALED. I WILL CONTINUE TO SHARE MY STORY. I AM FREE!!!!!!!!

What my body desired!!!!!

I have said this before but I want to share it again. After I was abused I had denied that it had ever happened. I didn't want any one to know. I felt ashamed and disgusted. I didn't want anyone to think less of me. After a while I felt that what had happened to me wasn't all that important at all. Why would people care what happened to me? I wasn't raped. This is a question that went through my mind all this time. Sometime to be honest with you i still think about it. Why do people care about my story? I wasn't raped. How can I relate to them? This is how I felt when I started speaking out the first time. It was horrible. I felt bad for those who came up to me and asked for help because I felt I couldn't relate to them. But I learned that it doesn't matter if you were raped or molested, its still something that should not have occurred.......

I didn't realize that what had happened to me would have affected my actions. It truly had. When I finished high school I started dating. When I dated its like I was a completely different person. I would be someone I wasn't and became someone that my exes wanted. I would act a certain why for them and when I was with family I would act different. Then I would allow them to get intimate with me and I enjoyed it. After the first time my body wanted more because in that sense I felt loved. I felt that by doing this with a man I was being loved. I tried so hard to find love in those men that in the end I ended up hurting myself. I began online dating which I said I would never do but did it anyway. I would even meet the guy in person. I put myself in dangerous situations and I thank God He was with me because I could have been hurt or killed. After the guys would break up with me I would get really depressed and begin thinking what is wrong with me. Why arent this guys sticking around. It could be one of two reasons: 1)Im not their type or 2)they can sense there is something wrong with me. But all I know is that they didn't want me after they had their fun with me. But even though in ways they took advantage of me i still wanted more. I wanted so much love from these guys because I lost that growing up. Not only by my abusers but also my mom. But the thing is my body wanted more and I kept going for guys who would provide my needs. All this time I thought they it was natural to feel that way but in reality I was in so much denial of what had happened to me that I acted out in this way. I never really wanted to do the things i did but it happened........

The reason why i decided to right this is because i know its hard to deal what we have been through. No one can fully understand what we been through if you haven't been through something like it. It not natural to act out in this way. We should get help and be able to talk to someone who can help us get through this. Im not a counselor so I can't say what you should do. The reasons for ALL MY POST IS JUST TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO SEEK HELP. DON'T make my mistake. I didn't get the help I needed but at least I was able to speak out even though it took 10yrs. I hope you stay encouraged and get help. You should talk to RAINN who has an online hotline. Their website is  http://www.rainn.org

RAINN Speakers Bureau!!!!

Well i haven't really told any one to much about this because i was honestly debating if i should do it or not. RAINN has asked me to join their speakers bureau which consist of survivors sharing their stories and educating others about abuse. I truly want to do this. My biggest fear would be that they would want me to speak out publically. I honestly wouldn't mind speaking out publically or going places to speak out about my abuse. If that helps to bring more awareness then i am all for it. I want to continue to share my story with others. My other fear  is that people would look at me weird since i was only molested. I said this before and i will say this again. For a long time i felt that what i been through wasn't worth anything and that is wasn't or isn't worth telling the police because they wouldn't do anything. But i realized that is was something important and that i was something tragic that happened to me and it should be spoken about. So my thing is this. I am afraid that if i join the Speakers Bureau i will be asked to speak out in public. I honestly wouldnt mind doing it but not just yet. Im still preparing myself for the right time to speak out more. I wouldnt mind have my story in papers or magazines. I want to be part of Speakers Bureau and i am thankful and honored that RAINN has asked to join and i will continue to share my story with them and with everyone. I want to do this. I know i can reach out to more people and bring more healing and awareness.

This post goes with my last post about my story.

This is my story. Now i am going to talk more about how i felt through it all and how it changed me. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life. Before i couldnt even admit that i was abused. It was hard to speak out the first time. I tried so hard to deny what had happened to me. I felt so disgusted with myself. I felt like i deceived my body but I know it wasnt me nor was it my fault. Thats thing we all believe that it is our fault, that we provoked the person to rape or molest us. We did nothing wrong. Its not our faults. We shouldn't blame ourselves. We have to stop being so hard on ourselves and stop blaming ourselves. Anyway im not involved in any organizations. I have my own blog in which i write about my story and talk about abuse and all the effects of it on my life. The hardest part of my story is the fact that my mother doesnt want to believe. I never did tell my mom the full story but i have tried to tell her some things like the way he would look at me which was in sexual ways and such but she just shut me up. Also the fact that not only i was molested my older sister was also molested by our stepfather. She was also silent for a few years and when she told my mother, my mother didnt want to believe her. So i didnt bother telling her because if she didnt believe my sister she wouldnt believe me. So that is one of the reasons why i didnt tell her besides the fact that she has heart problems. Anyway even though this is a tragic story it has made me a stronger person. I know most of you reading this must be thinking why and how has this made you a stronger person. Well the way it has made me a stronger person is that i was able to CLAIM MY LIFE BACK!!! So many people have remained silent and will continue to remain because of fear of being rejected or being hurt again. You know what it wasnt until RECENTLY that i realized that its ok if i were to get rejected. If im rejected its ok. I remember reading this quote and it made a good point. I cant remember if this is the right way it goes but it said " You cant go through life thinking everyone you will meet you hurt you in the end" Well as hard or scary that may sound especially for victims and survivors, its true. If we continue to go through our life with that fear in the end we are hurting ourselves. We are going to get hurt by people and that doesnt mean that you are going to get raped again or sexually assault. What i mean is that we should allow ourselves to put our guards down every once and a while and begin to trust people again. Someone along the line will have a similar story to you and will make your life so much worth it and you will be able to get through and move forward. Do not allow yourselves to allow your abuse to control you. Another lesson i learned was that by us remaining silent and allowing our emotions to consume us, its like we are giving our abusers the right to have done what they did and the glory. NO WE ARE NOT! We are going to claim back our lives and we are no longer going to allow our emotions to consume us and control us. Im not saying you have to stop feeling what you are feeling. Its going to take time to get through it. You are going to have moments that you do not want to continue with your life. It wasnt until last year when i started to speak out to stop cutting. Well actually until i moved out of the home where i was abused which was last may, i moved in with my sister. Im from Connecticut and i moved to New Jersey. Anyway I used to cut myself because when i chose to speak out for the first time last year in April i couldnt deal with the emotions that came with it. For the 10+ yrs that i was silent, so much emotions and anger was built up that when i wrote about my abuse online i couldnt sleep at night because i was constantly crying myself o sleep. Trust me it is very hard to keep silent. The way i spoke out was online only. I couldnt do it publically like most people and to be honestly i couldnt nor didnt get or seek justice. I couldnt for so many reasons. But i got my justice by moving out and SPEAKING OUT. No longer will i remain silent. I chose to use my voice to speak out about my abuse and help others.

I hope that with this story i give someone the courage to stand up and speak out about their own abuse. We can take a stand together and make a difference. I hope you have courage to stand and speak out. I didn't have it then but i have it now. I have gained my voice again and will use it now to shed light on the issue of silence. Even though i couldnt receive justice but i do encourage others to speak out and try to seek justice. Do not make the same mistake as I. If i could go back and try to receive justice i would but its late for me. You still have time. Get help. Join organizations that can help you. If you would like to follow me i do have a twitter account. I have two. One for my blog and another one. They are @taracl87 and @silence_no

My Story Again.

Well im now 24 years old and last April i started a blog in which i chose to speak out about my abuse. I am a survivor of childhood molestation by my stepfather and my uncle. Before i had spoken out i was silent for over ten years. The reason i didn't speak out when it first happened was for two reasons. The first is because when i told my mom that my uncle molested me she didn't want to believe it since it was her brother. It went on for a few weeks. He would touch me in places he should not be touching and then he would kiss my lips. I didn't know what was going on. I was never taught good touch bad touch. I thought it was ok for an uncle to treat you like that. Im not sure when this happened but it was around the age of 9 or 10. I say that was the first person who abused me but it was actually the same time my stepfather started molesting me. It started one day when i was sick in bed and i needed some vick vapor rub to be rubbed on my chest and back. Since my mom trusted him she allowed him to rub it on me. He started to rub it on my chest and when he did that, he began to rub my nipples. I felt really uncomfortable but again i didn't know that it was an inappropriate touch. After that im not sure what else happened. I only remember a few things that happened. The next abuse i remember was again when i was sick. My mom had went to Florida to visit my sister. She left my brother and I home since we were in school. I had gotten sick and stayed home from school. I was in my parents room which was also the living room at the time. I was on the couch resting and trying to watch the television. He began to kiss my on my neck and then made his way up to my lips. Again i didn't know how to react to that but my body deceived me at that moment. My body liked that attention even though i felt disgusted and scared. I didn't know what would happened next. Then he would bribe me with money and sweets since i was still young. Again im not sure when it happened but it was around the age of 10 or so. Maybe younger. Anyway i believe it was that same that this next thing happened. I had gotten up to go to my room and he followed me. The next thing i know is that he pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and moving his body back and forth as though having sex with me. I can still see the look on his face every time i talked about this part of my story. Smiling like he was proud of what he was doing. I felt really scared and disgusted at it. I didn't know what to do. Anyway after that moment it was your usual inappropriate touching that lasted until about a year ago or so. Even though he did what he did he would still try to touch me in places he shouldn't and make these strange noises and facial expressions. I had kept silent for so long and i was tired of dealing with so much emotions and hurt. My mom also wouldn't let me tell her. She told me she wouldn't believe me because my sister also was also abused and she didn't believe her because she also waited a while to come up to my mom. So my believes that since we held it in for so long that we must have enjoyed it. Anyway my mother doesn't know and as much as i want to tell her i cant right now because she has a heart condition and i do not want to be the blame if something happens to her. So here i am now sharing my story in the virtual world and hoping to help others speak out. I am a psychology major and will become a counselor for victims. 

I hope that with this story i give someone the courage to stand up and speak out about their own abuse. We can take a stand together and make a difference. I hope you have courage to stand and speak out. I didn't have it then but i have it now. I have gained my voice again and will use it now to shed light on the issue of silence. 

RAINN Supporters day!!!!!

Natasha Hagan @Char_Coop4eva is in charged of this website for supporters day (  http://www.teamstrick.org/rainnsupportersday.htm ).

She is in charged of RAINN supporters day. This day is for all supporters and survivors of RAINN. RAINN has done so much for survivors and have helped so many people move forward. On their website http://www.rainn.org you can get help by speaking to an online hotline. They offer so many ways to get help. RAINN is one of the many organization that is trying to help victims and survivors continue and gain courage to get their llife back on track and not be afraid to live life fully again. 

So the reason for this is to first tell you about the RAINN supporters day which is Friday January 27. You can check out the first link i posted. Secondly to let you know about all the efforts RAINN does and finally to ask if anyone wants to join and even submit your story for this day i ask you to go and tweet Natasha Hagan and she can help you out. Please help us by showing our support with RAINN.  They are doing a great job and by helping them they can continue to do such an incredible job. Lets stand together in this day. Thank you and hope my followers can help out. Remember by sharing your story your voice you may encourage someone else to step forward and speak out. 

Also come and follow RAINN on twitter. @RAINN01

I AM AN ADVOCATE

I consider myself to be an advocate because of the following reasons:
-I am sharing my story with the world through my blog and twitter.
-I am no longer silent
-I am standing up for something that matters.
-I am giving a voice to others by giving my voice and speaking out.

I know i am an advocate. I am willing to share my voice and story to those who need me and need someone who shares their pain. Its hard but together we can heal and get through these rough patches in our lives. No longer are we going to remain silent. No longer are we going to allow our abusers to hold us down. The more we stay silent, the more we hold on to the pain, we are giving our abusers the glory to get away with the things they did to us. Im not saying you shouldn't hurt or that its not a big deal. It is a big deal. But i learned through family and through a book im reading that we cant keep holding on to the abuse we went through.

 WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPEAK OUT AND NOT BE ASHAMED. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SHARE OUR STORY AND BE FREE FROM THE HURT, EMOTIONS AND FLASHBACKS. IM NOT SAYING YOU CANT CRY WHEN YOU SHARE YOUR STORY. ITS OK BUT WE SHOULDN'T ALLOW OUR ABUSE TO KEEP CONTROL OF US. YES IT WAS A BAD THING A VERY BAD THING WE HAD TO ENDURE BUT IN THE END WE GOT JUSTICE. WE ARE FREE. WE CAN CONTINUE TO BE FREE IF WE CHOOSE TO BE FREE. DO NOT LET YOUR ABUSE CONTROL YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE FREE. YOU SURVIVED. AND YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SURVIVE. NO LONGER SILENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO LONGER VICTIMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOGETHER WE TAKE A STAND AND SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. LETS END THE SILENCE. LETS END THE ABUSE. LETS USE OUR VOICES TO GIVE THOSE A VOICE WHO COULDNT DO SO. SO MANY OUT THERE WHO HAVENT HAD THE COURAGE TO STAND UP AND THEY PAID THE PRICE. NO MORE. WE NEED TO END THIS NOW. WE HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE TO HELP SPREAD THE WORD ON SEXUAL ABUSE ON CHILDREN AND WOMEN.

Lets help out by joining groups like JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION which is founded by Mariska Hargitay and also RAINN. These groups can help you and give you support.  You can follow them on twitter @Mariska @TheJHF @RAINN01
HELP THEM HELP US SURVIVE AND BREAK THE SILENCE AND END THE ABUSE. TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.