My mother is in denial!!!!!

Hey everyone. Hope everyone has enjoyed their Easter this past weekend. Well today's post is going to be able my mother. Not so much but the thing I want to discuss is that I know I have wrote previously that my mother doesn't know about my stepfather abusing me but she knows that I was abused by my uncle. Well I really didn't lie about it but she does know but like I said she is in denial. The thing is that when my sister first came out and told our mother that she was abused by our stepfather, she and my sister also asked me if I was abused. I did try to tell her and when I tried to tell her and talk my mother just shut me up. After that I never really tried to tell her because I knew she would not believe me. SO I did tell her but she was not wanting to listen and that in a way still hurts because she is the one person that is suppose to be there and believe you no matter what. But I have come to realize that she is never going to accept it and I have to just move on. But one thing that I have to say is that I am very proud of myself. I am not ashamed to be a survivor. I am not ashamed to keep using my voice to speak out. I am ok with who ever wants to see this and read this and be blessed. I know God is helping me through my healing journey. I know I am healing. I feel free. I am no longer a victim BUT a survivor.

There are a few reasons why I am writing this post but one of the reasons why is because even though that one person does not want to believe you, there are many others who will believe you and help you get the help you need to begin your healing journey. You can even begin the way I did and start a blog and share your story. Since I began to speak out last year I know I have gained my strength back and my voice. You can gain your voice back too if you just share your story with others rather its online or just going to someone you trust and tell them. Someone will believe you.

 I BELIEVE YOU. I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO NOT HAVE THAT PERSON BY YOUR SIDE. YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH. I CAN GUARANTEE THAT. SEEK OUT ORGANIZATIONS LIKE RAINN AND THE JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION FOUNDED BY MARISKA HARGITAY WHO IS MY INSPIRATION AND A ROLE MODEL TO MANY SURVIVORS. THERE ARE OTHER ORGANIZATIONS AS WELL. STAY BLESSED AND BE BLESSED. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

RJ Helton - Delicate Child

We can relate to this song. But we are survivors and we can fight together. We are no longer a victim. We can have our lives back if we choose to.

SAAM

Hey guys. Well its April and its Sexual Assault Awareness Month. So if you are on twitter please follow the following organizations that have to do with Sexual Assault:
-The Joyful Heart Foundation by Mariska Hargitay @TheJHF @Mariska
-Rainn @RAINN01
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center @NSVRC
- Natasha's Justice Project  @NatashasJustice

The Following are people who are either survivors or supporters and are also spreading the word on Sexual Abuse:
@OnlyWithConsent, @teri_hatcher73, @NatashasJustice, @NatashaSimone, @KadeeStrick @TeamStrick @Char_Coop4eva


And i have many more on my twitter page if you want to help get involved. Please help these organizations to spread the word on violence on women and children and even men. Lets end the silence. Lets end the abuse. Lets help people speak out and get help they deserve.

My First Interview!!!!

Hey guys............

Well for those who are following my on twitter and here now that RAINN asked me to join their Speakers Bureau which i am now officially part of. Well i received an email from the speakers bureau saying that a reporter here in South Jersey wants to interview some survivors from this area. I was happy but also scared at first because this would be the first time i would be speaking out publically.

I had emailed the Megan from Speakers Bureau and told her that I would not mind doing it but if it could be through email in which i felt comfortable with. Well she emailed my info to the reporter and a few days later the reporter contacted me to let me know that doing the interview through email would be fine with her. But after talking with my sister who is also doing the interview with me since she also joined Speakers Bureau, WE decided to do the interview in person SOOOOOOOOOOOOO  this coming Saturday at 5:30pm after i get out of work both me and my sister will be doing the interview in person. I am finally comfortable with sharing my story in public with everyone and its going to be for National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Im happy that i am able to let go of this fear that i have. So what if certain i didn't want to know finds out about this. You know what I have been praying and asking God to help me find a way to tell others and my mother. Well maybe this will be the way to go about it.

Thank you to those who are supporting me through this process and to RAINN for allowing me to be part of your Speakers Bureau. I am grateful to have found a place like you and also to the Joyful Heart Foundation which was the first place i began to share my story with other survivors.

I will do another post after the interview and let you all know how it went. Thank you and i hope that after reading this those who haven't spoken out yet find encouragement and the strength to seek help.

I am ok!!!!!!!!

As you all know i have been debating that i wanted and needed to tell my mother about my abuse from her husband. Well this passed five days we had a revival in our church and it was incredible. God moved in so many ways and He spoke to me. ( Yes I am a Christian) God told me that what i had  been through, all the hurt and pain i had to go through for a reason. It was to make me stronger and make me a better person. I am strong. I know that He has healed my wounds and my pain that i had endured for so many years. The abuse didn't last through all these years but the memories and pain from it had made me suffer all this time. I know i help encourage others through my blog and my story but i couldn't admit to myself or others that I needed help myself. I thought that I was ok. But I wasn't. It took me a long time to realize that i needed help. I finally got help one by talking to RAINN online hotline and also by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He healed me for good. I no longer feel sorry for myself. I FORGAVE MYSELF. I FORGAVE MY ABUSERS. NO LONGER WILL I ALLOW MY PAIN TO CONTROL ME. NO MORE. I AM HEALED. I WILL CONTINUE TO SHARE MY STORY. I AM FREE!!!!!!!!

What my body desired!!!!!

I have said this before but I want to share it again. After I was abused I had denied that it had ever happened. I didn't want any one to know. I felt ashamed and disgusted. I didn't want anyone to think less of me. After a while I felt that what had happened to me wasn't all that important at all. Why would people care what happened to me? I wasn't raped. This is a question that went through my mind all this time. Sometime to be honest with you i still think about it. Why do people care about my story? I wasn't raped. How can I relate to them? This is how I felt when I started speaking out the first time. It was horrible. I felt bad for those who came up to me and asked for help because I felt I couldn't relate to them. But I learned that it doesn't matter if you were raped or molested, its still something that should not have occurred.......

I didn't realize that what had happened to me would have affected my actions. It truly had. When I finished high school I started dating. When I dated its like I was a completely different person. I would be someone I wasn't and became someone that my exes wanted. I would act a certain why for them and when I was with family I would act different. Then I would allow them to get intimate with me and I enjoyed it. After the first time my body wanted more because in that sense I felt loved. I felt that by doing this with a man I was being loved. I tried so hard to find love in those men that in the end I ended up hurting myself. I began online dating which I said I would never do but did it anyway. I would even meet the guy in person. I put myself in dangerous situations and I thank God He was with me because I could have been hurt or killed. After the guys would break up with me I would get really depressed and begin thinking what is wrong with me. Why arent this guys sticking around. It could be one of two reasons: 1)Im not their type or 2)they can sense there is something wrong with me. But all I know is that they didn't want me after they had their fun with me. But even though in ways they took advantage of me i still wanted more. I wanted so much love from these guys because I lost that growing up. Not only by my abusers but also my mom. But the thing is my body wanted more and I kept going for guys who would provide my needs. All this time I thought they it was natural to feel that way but in reality I was in so much denial of what had happened to me that I acted out in this way. I never really wanted to do the things i did but it happened........

The reason why i decided to right this is because i know its hard to deal what we have been through. No one can fully understand what we been through if you haven't been through something like it. It not natural to act out in this way. We should get help and be able to talk to someone who can help us get through this. Im not a counselor so I can't say what you should do. The reasons for ALL MY POST IS JUST TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO SEEK HELP. DON'T make my mistake. I didn't get the help I needed but at least I was able to speak out even though it took 10yrs. I hope you stay encouraged and get help. You should talk to RAINN who has an online hotline. Their website is  http://www.rainn.org

RAINN Speakers Bureau!!!!

Well i haven't really told any one to much about this because i was honestly debating if i should do it or not. RAINN has asked me to join their speakers bureau which consist of survivors sharing their stories and educating others about abuse. I truly want to do this. My biggest fear would be that they would want me to speak out publically. I honestly wouldn't mind speaking out publically or going places to speak out about my abuse. If that helps to bring more awareness then i am all for it. I want to continue to share my story with others. My other fear  is that people would look at me weird since i was only molested. I said this before and i will say this again. For a long time i felt that what i been through wasn't worth anything and that is wasn't or isn't worth telling the police because they wouldn't do anything. But i realized that is was something important and that i was something tragic that happened to me and it should be spoken about. So my thing is this. I am afraid that if i join the Speakers Bureau i will be asked to speak out in public. I honestly wouldnt mind doing it but not just yet. Im still preparing myself for the right time to speak out more. I wouldnt mind have my story in papers or magazines. I want to be part of Speakers Bureau and i am thankful and honored that RAINN has asked to join and i will continue to share my story with them and with everyone. I want to do this. I know i can reach out to more people and bring more healing and awareness.