psalms 51:10-16

"  create in me a new heart o Lord. renew my spirit. do not cast me away from your presence nor take your holy spirit away from me. deliver me from guilt. that my tongue will sing of your righteousness. open my lips and my mouth shall praise"  this is a reduced version of the scriptures. this is one that i try to live by. God has brought me out of the most darkest and dreary place of my past. he has been healing me spiritually. mentally i have my friends from church and those who have reached out to me through the joyful heart foundation. He is the one who gives me the strength to get through each and everyday. without Him i know i wouldnt be here or where i am at this point. i know i got my life back from the moment i broke my silence and spoke out and He is the one who protected me through the years of silence. God bless all of you and may you have a blessed day

our little secret

We both walk around as if nothing happen as if you didnt do anything to me. As i look in the eyes of my abuser who i call my stepdad and he looks at me, his eyes seem to tell me a story. Its our little secret. No one will ever know. No one will believe you. And he smiles. Fear grows inside me and disgust just runs through my veins. I cringe at the sight at him. Why does he have to be like that? Why cant i do anything else to stop him? Those were the questions that ran through my mind after the abuse had occur. But he doesnt know that i have broken the silence and the vow of that secret. He will no longer have control of me. He can look me in the eye and think that no ones know but hes wrong. Thats my little secret. No more silence. Original poem i just came up with.

ive come so far

Ive come so far from where i started from. No body told me the road would be easy but i dont believe He brought me this far to leave me. These are lyrics from a song a believe its from mary mary which is a christian group. These lyrics stood out to me today. Reason being from about 4months ago when i started speaking out til now i have come so far. The memories and flashbacks dont affect me as much as they did in the begining. I have been blessed with amazing friends who have helped me along the way. But i especially have to thank GOD because he is the main reason im still living today. He has shown mercy on me and Hes grace has been with me. I realize that even in the darkest moments of my life HE has always been there to lift me up when i fall down. So i still encourage you that even in the midst of darkness there is a light and when you see that light that shows that our LORD AND SAVIOR is there to take you out. Just reach for HIM. I guarantee you that HE will never leave you.

effects of bottled up emotions

keeping emotions bottled up is not healthy for us. i learned from experience. like i said it took me ten years before i started speaking out about my abuse. i kept it buried away. it wasnt until i found the joyful heart foundation on facebook where i met other like me who helped me to speak out more. anyway after i started speaking out my emotions went crazy. everything that i held inside just came out all at once. i lost sleep. i was crying myself to sleep. i couldnt control how i felt. it affected my way of thinking. i was always giving myself this pity party that its my fault. or that maybe i was dreaming all of this. but it was real. so my point in this is that try not to keep your emotions bottled up. its not good for you. it just gets worse over time. ever since i was younger i never learned how to control my emotion because i was always told to suck it up. im just learning now. its hard but its worth it to be happy in the end.

still in pain

I walk around with a smile on my face as if nothing has ever happened to me but deep down in side im screaming and no one hears. Like i said before i still live at home with one of my abusers which is my stepdad. No one know not even my mother. She refuses to accept that her husband is capable of doing such a thing like that. I havent had bad nights in about a month but i still have the memories but im choosing not to let them consume me. Not since a few weeks ago where this situation happened. Anyway when that happened i was the one being blamed for opening my mouth and saying some thing because i wanted to clear the rumors up. I was called a bitch and everything. I was so torn apart that i started cutting myself again. And with that all the emotions from when i was molestedf came upon me. I was out of it. My mind was just not in the right state that i didnt realize what i did. I really try not to cut. It really doesnt help. All it does is subside your true pain,hides it so you end up with bottled emotions.

being supportive

There as so many organizations that are empowering women of sexual abuse child abuse and domestic violence like the joyful heart foundation, rainn, pixel project, national sexual violence resource center (nsvrc) i believe thats what its called and many more. You can find them on twitter. i support them because i am a survivor of childhood molestation and i just started speaking out. i may not have alot of people reading my blog but if you do please follow them on twitter and help them help survivors in ending the backlog of untested rape kits. they are doing an amazing job and i thank God theres communities like these that help women. I thank the joyful heart because i met survivors online who helped me and encouraged me to speak out and end the silence on abuse. Although i never took it further or anything im still thankful to have support. So please help those organizations.

this is me pt 2

Im continueing from my last post. Anyway we i had to go to therapy for about two months. It really didnt help much but i manage to get out of it. So once i got to high school i was still feeling depressed. I put myself on a no food diet. Which didnt work really. Now i just barely eat or dont eat healthy. Anyway it was pretty hard. I way in and out of the guidance office reason being was because i had some much bottled up that i needed to tell someone. After high school i took a year off because deciding if i wanted to go to college. My second job that i had was pretty good. But i was still feeling depressed. I started cutting myself then. I dont know why i did it but at the time it was convenient. But after a while i stopped. Now i say that after i joined the joyful heart foundation facebook page i met survivors who helped me and gave me courage to speak out and to continue to share my story of sexual abuse. And also i thank Mariska hargitay for her role as det. Benson on svu who helped me speak out.

this is me

Here is my full story. It may be in two parts since im working through my cell phone. Here we go. I grew up in a home where i was always being told to get over it or suck it up. Everytime i was upset about something that happen and went to my mom she would tell me to get over it. So by that i was always holding in my emotions. I was hit a few times when i was younger. Ive been involved with the department of child and family services. It was very hard. Thats why now i hide my emotions. So when i was around 10 or so my uncle molested me. it went on for a while. it was hard to say anything. when i was around 14 my stepdad molested me too. it was worse than the first.he pinned me against the wall and moved his body back and forth on me. When i was in 7th grade i was so depressed that i told a teacher that i wanted to kill myself. She called the school therapist or social worker and they called my parents. When i got home my mom was so upset she yelled at me.

why us?

On my last post a dear friend pointed out something interesting, the fact that we at times struggle and ask ourselves why us? What did i do to deserve this? Well first of all bad things happen to good people which is hard to deal with. Secondly we did nothing wrong to deserve this. You can be the worse person ever but that doesnt give another person the right to violate you. I struggle every day what that myself. Why me? Why? I also ask myself these question but if you really think about it its like saying why couldnt it happen to someone else? I wouldnt wish being molested on any one else. Its hard but if i didnt go through what i experience i wouldnt be the person i am today. Everything we go through we experience for a purpose. As hard as that may sound and your thinking why would anyone allow rape and things like that to happen. Im not saying to let it happen. Im just saying to those who experience it you become much stronger once you speak out and encourage others with your story. God bless you.

its not your fault. dont blame yourself

No matter how many times things happen to you no matter how you grow up you do not deserve to be abused whether its physical, mental, verbal or sexual abuse. In my case i have been verbally abused and sexual abuse. I do not blame myself because i was a child and i did nothing wrong. No child, teen nor women deserves to be hurt. No matter what others say its not your fault. Even if the abuse continues its not your fault. Its normal to be scared and you may not want to fight back because your afraid they will hurt you even worse. Its normal to feel that why. Your not alone in this. So many people are in that same category. Hang in there. Seek help if possible. Find someone who you trust who you know will believe you and not blame you. I dont blame you and i know its not your fault. We didnt ask for this regardless of how we act or dress. Its not your fault. Im here for anyone. Im here to encourage you to speak out.

i cant speak out to my family.

I dont want to sound like im contradicting myself because i encourage others to speak out but when it comes to telling family i just cant. My family is so separated. Truth is that the first time i was molested my mom did believe me. Then changed her mind. So thats why i didnt tell her about the second time. I do speak out. I speak out here. I speak out to some of my close friends from church who been through what ive been through. I joined support groups online where i know im safe. Im speaking out but not to my family. And if you read my post on my family tree you'll see why its hard sometimes. Even though so much abuse runs through my family everyone is tired of hearing the same thing. Its like the story of the boy who cried wolf. You say it over and over and at first they believe but then when its not true or you back out they forget about it. But when its actually happening no one will stand by you. Does this make sense. I still encourage you to speak out. Even if its not to family find a friend you trust

whose speaking out?

When i first started my blog i did it to help support sexual assault awareness month. But i continued it to continue sharing my story and encouraging others to do the same. By speaking out against sexual assault you can save lives. Even if its one life its an amazing thing. It may be hard well it is hard at first to share your story with someone. Before you do make sure you can trust that person. And if they are or have experienced the same as you then it may be easier to share with that person. Also find support groups that are also survivors. Its so much better when you use your voice and share what you been through. Like i said many times by speaking out you are taking a stand against the assault. No more victims. We're survivors. So i ask whose speaking out? Are you? Will you use your voice to help fight against the abuse?

who will believe you?

I really hate how some moms say that the day they ever find out that their husband has sexual abused their children they will leave them. But when it actually does happen how many of them keep their word. Maybe half of them. Well in my case she didnt. She refuses to believe her husband is capable of doing such a thing. The first time i was molested she did believe me. But since someone else came out and accused my stepdad about it she didnt believe it so therefore i never told her about when he abused me. So at that point you think to yourself well if she wont believe me then who will. Thank GOD i have friends from my church who believe me and support me as well as the groups ive joined online. So i tell you this i believe you. Im here for you. I know what it feels like to not have that one person who is suppose to protect you not believe you. Keep speaking out because you will find someone who does believe you and will support you. I believe you. I believe. I know how it feels. I know and I believe.

family tree pt 2.

I had already written about my family tree. Again i say even though my family tree consists of several types of abuse i will not let that define who i am. I stop it now with me. As a survivor of sexual molestation it is so easy to fall into an abusive relationship without realizing it. We become so used to the abuse that we feel like thats all we deserve. But its not. We deserve to be healed. We deserve to have a life thats happy and beautiful. Each day we should be able to gain back that part of us that was taken. So regardless of our families or our past we shouldnt allow that to define us. We can end it right now. Speak out the same way you would if your a survivor. Enough is enough. We dont need to continue down that same road. It may be hard to get out of but if your willing to take that step you must be willing to risk everything. Does this make sense? I hope so.

As survivors certain environments or situations may not be healthy for us whether you have fully healed or not. As a christian the enemy will try everything possible to bring up all the emotions and stir up trouble wherever you are. Even as non christians its the same thing. Certain places or people or even shows can trigger those thoughts and emotions and flashbacks. As much as we try or as much as we have healed its still going to affect us BUT thats only if we allow them to. We are no longer victim from that moment we chose to speak out and do something about even if you didnt do anything about were still no longer victims. By continueing to allow those emotions and flashbacks consume us were allowing ourselves to be victimized. Enough is enough.Even though i still struggle at times but im still fighting every day and saying no more. Its over.

family tree

This is my family tree which includes every aunt, uncle, cousins, grandparents and parents. I come from a family in which there are cycles of abuse. Physically abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse. All of this is in my family. So you can say my family is screwed up. Im a victim of sexual abuse and verbal abuse. I thank GOD that i never turned to alcohol or drugs. I refuse to be like the rest. I took my stand when i chose to speak out. I will not let my family tree define who i am. I have my own identity. My family does not define who i am. I break that generational curse right now. It ends with me. Im no longer going to remain a victim or feel sorry or ashamed. This is my family but this is not who i am nor who i will be.

pleasing myself

I just realized that its time to finally please myself and stop pleasing others. Maybe it has to do with what i been through. But every since i was younger i always felt that i had to please others just to get approval and have someone like me or just want to be with me or near me. I would try so hard to please and please and please. But in the end i was never happy but end up exhausted. So from now on i will start doing thing that will make me happy which is actually helping people. You make think im contradicting myself but im not. Theres a differences when you want to help others and pleasing others. Pleasing someone is when your trying your hardest to do whatever for their approval. Helping someone you do because it makes you happy. So its a huge difference. But thats why im now choosing to do things that make me happy instead of the other way around.

Saam

Saam also known as sexual abuse awareness month, though it has a whole month recognizing it, shouldnt only be talked about and taught only that one month. We should continue to speak out againt sexual assault. We shouldnt stay quiet. By keeping the silence we are enabling those to continue to harm us and have control. I chose to speak out. I chose to not let my abusers control. I chose. I made a choice to stand up and speak. Take that stand with me in speaking out SAAM. We are no longer victims. The moment we chose to speak out is when we took our lives back. Continue to gain back your life. As hard as it may seem you can get it back.

advocate

Even though i might have said before that regret speaking out about what happened to me but now i realized that i can save someone in some ways by sharing my story. And I have to thank Mariska and the show law and order svu for helping me and giving me the courage to speak out for the first time in 10yrs. But the thing is that someone has told me i saved their life by talking to them and helping them realize that its not their fault that these things happen to us no matter how it happen or how many times it happens. Just knowing that made me so happy and its an incredible feeling. Ive alway loved to help people but i never knew that by being a survivor of sexual assault that would be the way i would be helping. So i plan on going to school to become a counselor for women like ourselves. And im choosing to be an advocate if possible and choosing to continue to use my voice to help stop the silence. I know its hard to speak out for the first time but i do guarantee it does get better. Take that first step.

I never imagine that by starting my blog and joining group on sexual assault i would have people coming to me or emailing me for my help and advice. Also having them say they admire me for speaking out and everything. Im so grateful for all those comments. I dont feel im worthy of being called someones savior. I choose to help because i care about women like me and i have a huge heart. I love helping people. Nothing gives me great joy than to see someone happy. If i can save someone life by just speaking out and encouraging them that would give me great pleasure. Thats why i want to become a counselor. I want to continue to help others. Its always been a passion of mine.