Monday, June 13, 2011
justice
even though i have been talking to others, those who reached out to me in need, i tell them they should try and seek help and tell the police what happen but when it comes to myself i cant seem to seek justice for my abuse. the things its been over ten years since i was molested. when it first happen i was afraid to say anything. he then started bribing me to keep silent and it worked. i was around the age of 12 or so maybe younger when my stepdad molested me which also felt like i was being raped just with clothes on. it was horrible. its hard to try and do something about it because of the fact that no one believes hes capable of such a thing like that. even my mother is in denial and still with him. even though i was still living at home until recently that i decided to move in with my sister in new jersey i know i will be more at peace and at ease. i will no longer have the fear of him trying to sneak in my room in the middle of the night. i will no longer have to hide myself and the way i dress because hes around and he looks at me like he wants to do more. i no longer have to hurt myself to help stop the pain and memories of my abuse. i am at peace now. to me that is my justice!! i may not have gone to the police and reported it but i did take a big step and finally moved out. i honestly dont know myself how i managed to live with my abuser and my mom who is in denial and chose her husband over us. i love her and everything but its wrong. but like i said ive moved out and that is my justice.
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when I found out about my children I thought it would be best to report their abuser, mainly because of their safety and fear and to keep him from them. Also I knew deep down given the opportunity he would abuse again.I don't think we thought it through now, the justice system does everything to stop you, life is on hold and it is difficult to move anywhere. If he wasn't such a danger perhaps my kids would not need to pursue this road. Justice is a hard road to take so for you, peace within is what you should grasp, do what is right for you. m4j
ReplyDeleteyou know, pretty girl, i think you really beat yourself up about not reporting what happened to you. and, i think you are being completely unfair to yourself. honey, you were just a little girl, and you lived not only with your abuser, but with no one who believed you. you can look back all you want, no little girl, without the support of a parent or another adult is going to be able to report that type of abuse. i think you are looking back with adult eyes, putting the abilities of an adult on you as a little girl/young teenager. i didn't report my rape mainly because of the attitude of law enforcement when i was raped. i was an adult, and i made an adult decision in the midst of all the shame and the pain. i look back sometimes and regret not reporting, but i did what was right for me. that's all we can do...survive. you did the same thing at 11 and 12-years-old... you survived and that is enough. that you are now out of the house with your mom and step-dad is a gift from God, and i think it is a chance for you to "forgive" the little girl for not doing what the adult woman could've done. love you, pretty girl ;O)
ReplyDeletei know i try not to beat myself about it. its just watchin LAW AND ORDER SVU you see this women report it or the children have their parents do it for them and i look back and see that no one did that for me. the first time i was molested by my uncle i told me mom. she believed me and kicked him out the house. years down the road she changes her mind because of what others said. so its hard
ReplyDeletenothing about healing from sexual assault is easy, love. but, together we carry each others' burdens, and we share in each others' successes. in that we find love, we find peace and ultimately, we find joy. and, joy is what you have definitely brought to my heart ;O) <3
ReplyDeletethank you so much teri. you always know the right words to say to cheer me up. you have brought joy to my life as well. im glad you reached out to me and helped me on my journey and continue to help me.
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