Wednesday, July 27, 2011
ANOTHER PART OF MY LIFE!!!!
Again to do those who knows all about my life so far and all i have been through you will know where im going with this. I cant stress this enough. Its hard for me to go out and speak out in public. My mom doesnt know nor will believe me so she will not support me. I have a huge support system and friends who truly believe me and who will stick by me but the fact of not having my mother, the one who is suppose to protect you and stick by your side no matter what, kills me inside and out. Its hard not having her protection there. The hardest part of it all was that she was visiting family in florida the time my stepdad decided to molest me and on top of it all i was sick. He took advantage of me that whole time he was taking care of me. (im going off track here for a reason) When i was younger, I cant remember how old i was; maybe around 8 or 9, my stepdad used to rub vicks on my chest to help me breathe better through the night when i was sick. One time as he did that he started rubbing with the palm of his hand my nipple and just smiled at me like he was enjoying himself. I know now that he was in fact enjoying himself because of what he did shortly after. Anyway at that time I really didnt think much to it because i was never taugh GOOD TOUCH/BAD TOUCH so i didnt know or understand what was going on at that moment. It was terrible. Now getting back to what i was saying. The point is that my mom allowed these things to happen rather she knew it or not. She missed to warning signs and just didnt believe when i tried to say something. There was a time i tried to tell her. I didnt say the horrible details but i told how he would give me these looks and then smile at whenever i sat in an inappropiate possession. I sometimes feel its my fault because i sat that way. I didnt know i was sitting wrong. But i tried to tell her but she just shut me up. The worst part of it all was that his family told my mother not to marry him because he had a record before of molested his ex girlfriend's daughter. Who in the right mind will marry a man who had that on his record. Anyway again my point is that even though i have a huge support group on my side who will stick by me, i cant do anything about what happen to me. What i AM doing is going to college to become a counselor for women/children/teens like me who never had someone to speak out to.
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You keep your chin up and keep moving forward. You are growing and becoming an even more beautiful woman with each passing day. Your compassion for other people and your desire to be a rock for other survivors as your life mission will comfort you when you are in need. Love you sweets <3
ReplyDeleteThank you teri I grately appreciate it. I know i am keeping my chin up. It just sucks that i couldnt do more about it :)
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad for not doing more, you did what you knew how to do at the time you were doing it. I greatly admire you for speaking out now and for moving past it, you're so brave and courageous!
ReplyDeleteI want to say this, I don't know if I have the right to, but I do believe you will get to the point of where you forgive your mother. Your post struck deep with me, it actually brought tears to my eyes and chills down my body. I feel your pain and I am so sorry that your mother wasn't there for you like you believe she should have been. I've learned that some people block this out of their mind because they don't want to believe that something like this is happening to their child. They honestly do feel guilty about it but if they stay in denial it keeps them from feeling guilty that it happened to you. I know one day you will release your mother from this and have the ability to move on regardless of whether or not she supports you. We all believe our mothers to be the protective loving person in our life that makes the bad things go away but sometimes that is only a fairy tale. I can';t say that your mother was right or wrong for what she did and neither am I justifying what she did, I just want you to release her so that you can fully come into your healing. Again as I said in your other post, I believe in you. You have made the first step and a courageous one at that. Keep your head up Tara because healing is on it's way to you, I truly do believe that!
PS I do apologize for this long comment/post but this one really struck me. I didn't type everything I wanted to say to you because it is not my place and you don't know me. But I am excited about your future and your healing. Keep up the good work. God IS a healer and a deliverer!
Its ok Dr Kay. I appreciate everything you said to me and you can talk more to me. I need all the support i can get. My email is taracl1987@yahoo.com You can continue to share encouraging words as the other survivors i met have. Thank you so much. Sorry that it made you upset. I dont want anyone to feel my pain. This is me. This is what i went through. I struggled alone through this. It was hard to talk about. Like i wrote in my first few post when i started my blog it took me ten years to speak and i only spoke out online not in public. Im afraid because of my mother and how she loves her husband to death. BUt im going to leave it in Gods hand. He will take care of things. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Tara, I do apologize I am just now seeing this. Blogger isn't so great on notifying people of when someone comments after them. I honestly have been thinking about my comments I have posted on here. When I say I feel your pain, it's from personal things not because your post is paining me. I hear this a lot of it hurts me because it makes me fearful of being a mother because I hear this too often. I KNOW your fear but like you said it's in God's hands. I am really rooting for you over here. I will send you an email so you can have mine's as well.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support. I truly appreciate it. I need all the support i can get. I mean i have plenty but more is always good. :)
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