How i truly feel..................

Hey guys. Well as you know I've written my story here several times just differently. I just want to apologize in advance because I had left out some things. I've said in  prevous post that i was molested by my uncle and stepdad. That is true but the age i said i was being molested was a bit off. I couldnt fully remember when my stepdad started molesting me or even touching me. I said that it started with my uncle but i started to remember that it started with my stepdad. When i was younger, (younger then ten) i used to get sick alot. As usually you put vicks vaper rub on your chest and back to help you breathe better, etc. Well my mom would allow my stepdad to rub vicks on my chest and back. What she didnt know was that as he was rubbing the vicks on my chest he would start rubbing my nipples and smiling as if he was enjoying himself. At that age I didnt know that it was wrong what he was doing. Like I said before I was not taught the difference betweent bad touch good touch so i though nothing wrong of it. Plus he had been raising me since about the age of two or so. Anyway i am ashamed that i allowed that to happen. Every time I think about my body reacted to the touch i feel disguisting. My body in some ways enjoyed it. I hate myself for allowing that to happen. I get sick at the thought of it. My point is though that I know its not my fault and  at times i wish i can go back and change everything. But at the same time if i didnt go through what i experience i would be where i am at at the the moment. I would not have found so much courage to help others. If i would not have meet those incredible survivors from Joyful Heart Foundation I wouldnt have the courage to speak out at all. I worry at times because i never got the chance to speak out publically and seek justice but in reality i didnt want to press charges. For a long time and even at times now i feel what i went through wouldnt be taken seriously in the court room and he would walk. I know that in ways i am letting him walk for not seeking justice but the fact that my mother loves him and has chosen his side over me i cant put her through that pain. I rather let it out then to have to lose my mother over him. Again i did lose her in some ways but in some ways im glad i didnt go through the justice system. I wouldnt be able to deal with all the publicity. I do one day want to do more about it but right now, like i said before, i found my justice by moving out. He cant touch me anymore. So i am safe.