Monday, June 13, 2011
even though i have been talking to others, those who reached out to me in need, i tell them they should try and seek help and tell the police what happen but when it comes to myself i cant seem to seek justice for my abuse. the things its been over ten years since i was molested. when it first happen i was afraid to say anything. he then started bribing me to keep silent and it worked. i was around the age of 12 or so maybe younger when my stepdad molested me which also felt like i was being raped just with clothes on. it was horrible. its hard to try and do something about it because of the fact that no one believes hes capable of such a thing like that. even my mother is in denial and still with him. even though i was still living at home until recently that i decided to move in with my sister in new jersey i know i will be more at peace and at ease. i will no longer have the fear of him trying to sneak in my room in the middle of the night. i will no longer have to hide myself and the way i dress because hes around and he looks at me like he wants to do more. i no longer have to hurt myself to help stop the pain and memories of my abuse. i am at peace now. to me that is my justice!! i may not have gone to the police and reported it but i did take a big step and finally moved out. i honestly dont know myself how i managed to live with my abuser and my mom who is in denial and chose her husband over us. i love her and everything but its wrong. but like i said ive moved out and that is my justice.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
for a long time ever since i was molested i would wear certain clothes since i was still living at home with my one of the abusers. i was always covering up. in the summer time i was wear long pants or capris never shorts. even in the house it would be hot but i would never wear shorts. others things are when people touch me i tend to twitch. i dont like being touch especially by men. in some ways i do in others i dont. even when family hugs me or such i feel uncomfortable. now that im away from my home where my abuser still lives and i know im safe with my sister now i still cant break out of that habit of always covering up. i try to not be that way but its hard because of the simple fact that i lived in the house of my abuser who i call my stepfather. i hate that its taking me long to break free from him. i know i only started speaking out about it just the beginning of the year but its really hard. now that i chose to live with my sister its still going to take me a while to break out of my old habits and be comfortable with the way i look and the way i dress. my sister told me something interesting. she said that im allowing him to have control of me because i wouldnt wear certain things around him. even though she a point in some ways how do you expect me to wear shorts or tanks tops around the man who molested me when i was like 12 or so. i cant do that. its uncomfortable. im trying to break free from that and everything but its really hard. even when my dear and beautiful friend teri posted something on her blog not to long ago about sexual assault having control or something similiar it helped me realize that i should allow my abuse or abuser have that control of me. but in some parts i still do. but im not giving up. im holding my head up high and trying not to give up
Sunday, June 5, 2011
well some of you know that i am spending time with my sister here in new jersey. im staying for the whole summer since im jobless at the moment. i needed this break because of the fact that i still live at home with my parents and my stepdad was one of my abuser. since i been here with my sister i feel so much safer. i havent had bad nights. i actually sleep alot better and i havent been under alot of stress. they offered me to live with them permanently but im not sure. i feel like a child always asking for permission from my mom to do things on my own when im 23 years old. my childhood was taken away from me and i now is my chance to redeem it. im just not sure if it would be the right move. but all i know is that i feel so much safer here. and i know that if i move here things would be so much better and healthier for me. im just so confused and worried that im doing something wrong. all thanks to my abusers i lost my childhood and my way of feeling. it really sucks to be this way. i feel like a child trapped in an adults body. im not tough or strong like everyone else. i have so many fears and its stopping me from moving forward. but all i know is that since i been here with my sister i feel safe. theres a warmth coming in this home and its so peaceful. i know its the grace of God surrounding me here and protecting me. i dont want this to end. this is my safe home.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
well as you all know i was molested when i was younger by two family members they would bribe me not to say anything. and it did work. i was so scared that if i said anything i would get in trouble. in some ways they made me feel special and now that i look back at it i feel so ashamed and disgusted i let it happen. but after years of keeping in side it really affected me for years. i was so emotional and couldnt sleep well. i was feeling depressed and wanted to hurt myself. i couldnt take it any more. and this was going on for the past ten years. it wasnt until i came across the joyful heart foundation on facebook and met survivors who helped me and encouraged me to speak out about what happened to me. so my point to this is that dont let anyone silence you with anything. ways they can silence you is by bribing you, telling you that your special, telling you that if you say some thing they will harm someone you know or yourself. these are just a few things. dont let them silence you. no one has that right. so speak out. find someone you trust that will help you. i found the joyful heart foundation. theres plenty of centers and people you can speak to. i broke me silence after ten years, how long will it take you before you will. dont deal with all the pain alone. your not alone and im here for anyone.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
well like i had written before that i still live at home with one of my abusers because he is my stepfather. its hard to be there all the time. everyday i walk around the house and i feel so uncomfortable. the fact that my mother doesn't or refuses to believe that he is capable of doing such a things get me angry. her eyes are blinded and i hate the way they act with each other. anyway the point of me writing this is to say that for the next month ill will be staying with my sister visiting her and the kids. i needed to get out of my house. the fact that i walk around like nothing is wrong yet inside im screaming for help affects me. i cry myself to sleep most nights. i started cutting myself again because the pain, emotions and the memories from the nights and weeks i was molested from both my uncle and step-dad became unbearable caused me to black out sometimes. i still have bad nights but not as bad as i used to. Ive come very far from to time i began to speak out about what had happened to me. but things have gotten better. be posting everyday or so often is my way to vent and let things out when i dont have anyone else to speak to. but im so thankful for all those who i have met through the joyful heart foundation on Facebook and twitter. Ive met awesome survivors who help and encourage me. im so grateful for those. if you are in a place where you need to be free find someone you can visit for a while. give yourself a break for a bit. you all deserve it. thats what im doing right now. dont let the person or the people who harm you keep you from doing what you need to do to heal and break free. i still haven't had the proper help most have sought but i rely on God. I have friends who help me along the way and without them i dont think i could have made it now. so again i say find a safe place to run to even if its just for a few day, weeks or months.