Monday, November 28, 2011

My abuser may be my father!!!

As you all know i was molested twice. By an uncle and my stepfather. Well I am going back and telling you another part of my story which will make you think the same question Is my stepfather (abuser) my real father?

I never knew this before. I had just found out recently by my sister. We started joking about it even thoug it was something we shouldnt joke about but in the end, it made me think if it could be true.
Here goes.......

Before i was born, my parents were always fighting and such. I dont remember much about my childhood other then some things that happened and such. When me and my sister were talking she told me that my mom had cheated on my father and missed around with the man who is my stepfather since the age of 2 or 3. I never knew that. Well anyway now that i think about and put all the facts together there could be a connection. The first thing is that my mother didnt know that she was pregnant with me. She didnt find out til she was like 3 or 4 months pregnant. The second thing is that i have a mark on my head on the side and my stepfather has that mark on the exact same spot as i do. I find that crazy and sick. I know there can be a possibility but i do not want to be true. I know i havent fully reacted in a way to tell him that it was wrong what he did nor did i make a scene. But if it ever turned out that he is my father i would die. The fact that he molested my sister and i its sickening. I dont know what i would do with my life. I hope and pray its not true. Im sorry if this offends anyone or causes triggers. I know it must be hard to have a parent who caused you this misery and had another parent who did nothing. I hate the fact that my mom knew he did something to my sister and didnt do anything about it. The thing is that my sister spoke out to her about it. I havent. My fear is that she will blame my sister for putting those thoughts in my head when its not her fault. He did molest me. It felt like he was going to rape me because he kept moving his body back and forth while he pinned me against the wall. I hope this doesnt happen to anyone else. I hope that through this blog who ever reads it will find courage and speak out. Lets end the silence together. No longer will we allow THEM to silence us. Lets speak out together. No more silence.. No more victims...

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

If i could turn back time......But if i did..........

If i could turn back time i would go back to the time that i was molested and erase it. I hate the fact that i was molested. I hate that i still go through the emotions. I hate triggers. I cant stand feeling this way. I hate having dreams about the abuse. I hate constantly seeing his face in my head.


If i did turn back time and erase what happened to me i wouldnt be as strong as i am today. Im not saying that you have to go through something like this or worse to make you stronger but i always thought that if you do experience things like this and get through it, it shows you that you are strong and you survived. You can survive anything. Yes its hard to overcome what you are going through but that doesnt mean you will never get through. You can still make the most of your life. It may not be the way it used to be but you can still continue on. The way i am healing and over coming my abuse is by talking more about it and using my voice to help spread the word on silence of abuse and trying to help others seek help and justice. I stand up for justice and for speaking out. WE can use our voices together to help end this silence of abuse. By using my voice i know that i can help someone overcome their abuse and/or seek help. You can do the same. Just take baby steps. Find someone you fully trust and talk to them about what happen. Then later on find support groups online like The Joyful Heart foundation by Mariska Hargitay and RAINN which has been helping me. I found other survivors who have been very supportive. You can do the same. Maybe even start your own blog. You can heal from this. Whatever it is your going through you can overcome it. Trust me. You will overcome it. It takes time but you are not alone.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Katie' story.

It was 8th grade. I was in our church school. Bullied by our pastor's two boys for two years straight. Name-calling, demeaning, made me feel like a fool, would never amount to anything.... I silently broke down. Cried every day, went to school, put up with the abuse, went home, crying from the pain... I started cutting to deal with all the pain.. stop doing my school work, figured I was a loser anyway, especially since I was told that daily. Abused when it came to P.E. Well, my mom finally found out, & we spoke out, made it worse... People who knew nothing about it, picked sides and blamed me... Was still depressed. Set my record for high school. Went to a different school, same stuff happened... I continued to cut, and hurt myself in other ways, fell way behind in school... Just didn't care.... Tried to take my life several times... Went to therapy... Started getting better. Doing a lot better now, but still have my hard days.


"You survived the abuse, You'll survive the recovery"
These were the last words spoken from Det. Benson (Mariska Hargitay) in Law and Order Svu this week. Those words really touched me. The whole episode touched me and in some ways made me cringe. I know what its like to not have anyone believe your story. My uncle molested me around the age of 12 or so. I was also molested by my stepfather around a younger age til i was around 14. Like i said in previous post i never told me mother because she didn't believe it when it happened to my older sister. She was also molested by our stepfather. So i never told my mother that he did the same to me. The reason why i am using those words from the show is because at one point i thought i was not going to make it. When i started speaking out this years the emotions and memories became so unbearable. I couldn't sleep or anything. I would cry myself to sleep. I started cutting myself again. I got to a point where i would lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Then i would get  the urge to do the worse thing possible. I stared at the bathroom medicine cabinet and stare at my moms heart medicine. The emotions took control and i wanted to just overdose on those pills. I didn't care anymore. I had no one. No one cared about me. My real dad was and still is not in good terms with me nor in speaking terms because of others things that occurred. Anyway it was really hard to be home at that time. And the thing was that i was living at home with my abuser because my mother didn't want to except that he would do such a thing. I started healing when i started speaking out on the Joyful Heart Foundation which is again created by Mariska Hargitay. I found support there as well as twitter and other sexual assault survivor groups and such. When i moved out of my moms and his house and into my sisters i was able to sleep alot better. My stress went down. My emotions were becoming more controlled. My memories at times faded. Not completely. I still have triggers and flashbacks but not as bad as when i was still at home.
So what i am trying to say is that even though things may seem so hard, in the end the recovery is so worth it. We can gain our lives back. We don't have to keep allowing our abusers to have control over us. Once you speak out, its out in the open. Our abusers cant do anything about it. The are now no longer in control of us. We need to stand strong together and be there. I am here to give you a voice and to encourage you to continue and seek help. You can do it. You not alone. I will be here every step of the way. Like i said before and i continue to say, even though i myself have not sought justice i encourage you to do so. My time is over. I cant do anything now. All i can do is speak out and make sure that he knows he CAN NOT CONTROL ME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can do the same.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Survivor story... (anonymous)

This story is from someone who has reached out to me and needed help to speak. We both hope that through her story you can all have courage to speak out and seek help. This is a conversation we had via email. Just showing her side.
Here i go.

" Hi i would love to speak out but i just cant. The thing is I had and emotional breakdown a few years ago and since then I have not spoke at all to any one. I don't have any close friends either because no one likes me because I don't talk. So I don't know what to do? I havent gotten any urges to hurt my self. I just sit and cry as a response to the other questions about hurting myself. I can't tell anyone though because I can't talk. I don't want to tell them it's my fault. It was my fault. I'm worthless and no one will ever love me. My mum hits me and kicked me out my house. My stepdad is an alcoholic my mum is terminally Ill and she says it is my fault she is ill. I was mentally abused be my grandparents. I have no one! I sometimes think I might as well be dead. :( I am worthless why doesn't my mum want me? She kept my sister :( I don't know if I have done something wrong my grades are perfect A* s in everything. I just cry all the time I was raped a few months ago and I Dare not tell anyone. Your the first person. Promise not to tell. I can't keep going like this. I am worthless it's true you have to believe me. It's my fault. Who is there else to blame I was the one who let it happen to me. I am the one who deserves it I am a bad child. I cry myself to sleep and when I wake up i cry my pillows are literally drenched I just can't stop crying I keep having flashbacks and I can't get rid of them. I dream about it i don't know how to stop it. Every time I close my eyes he is there. I sleep with the light on. Why am I so scared I used to be so brave and beautiful now I'm a mess inside and out. He beat me till I passed out. I woke up in hospital. My eyes so swollen I couldn't see internal bleeding my skull cracked the doctors said I was lucky to be alive. I didn't go to the police. I woke up with no one sitting at my bedside my mum didn't care. I just feel an inconvenience to her. I also did something stupid and I tried to hang myself I prayed to god that I was sorry. But I couldn't cope I'm sorry I feel like a burden to you. You don't have to write back by the way I would understand remember I don't talk so no one normal speaks to me anyway. When will the nightmares end? They are so bad I just scream and cry sometimes I even wake up on the floor next to my bed! It's awful. He knows me! He wrote me a card and sent it to me after he attacked me! Saying get well soon! The sick thing is it means he was near me while I was out cold after my op :s it really scares me! Was you ever sick because of what happened i keep throwing up every time I think of it is this normal? I have lost so much weight I have no idea why? Can I tell you the full story of my rape it may help me get it off my chest please I just need some advise. It happened 1 month 6 days  on a Tuesday at 4:52 I was walking home from school it is a long bus journey from my school to my house when I got off the bus I started walking down the road when a van pulled up beside me and asked for directions but I don't speak so he thought I was being rude and then he realized that I dont speak and then next thingni know someone grabs me off the side walk and shoves me in the back of the van I try and scream and he punches me in the face he had broke my jaw then he starts to take off all my clothes and yells at me to do things I begged and prayed he wouldn't stop he layer on top of me so I couldn't breath as I am only small I'm just 5 ft he was at least 6.5 I tried to move and he AMA he's my head on the van floor by this time I was out cold. I thought I was going to die next thing I know I woke up in hospital where I had bruises every where and he had carved in my back the word "mute" he was awful I am so ashamed. You have to believe me It was my fault I should have carried on walking and ignored him :'( you are the first person I have ever told my story too. I feel so disgusted and dirty. Can you promise me that it is not my fault? Maybe it's a punishment for not being good enough? Why does it feel like my fault? Why does my heart hurt so much?  Smart? Beautiful? Brave haha I don't think so... Haha.  How do you know i am beautiful? I feel so ugly. Inside and out. :(  I am a survivor and I can move on with my life. Do you think I should have gone to the police? You know when it had happened? Was I stupid not to? I keep thinking I see the man who attacked me all the. Time is this normal I keep seeing the same van over and over is it just my imagination? I can't get help, I'm to messed up and I can't physically talk. I need to run. It will solve things he won't find me! And I can't take a walk because it is midnight here and my ankle is wrecked. Im scared. I hurt everywhere. I'm so sorry. I truly am. I did something really stupid. God will never forgive me!! I cut myself and worse. I tried to hang my self. Please don't say anything I'm so ashamed! I can't cope any more. He found me and raped me again he will come back! I can't eat I can't seep I can't even shower! I CBS tho to the police i am just going to have to live with it. Maybe I am just one of those people that is meant to suffer? Don't cry because of me, I'm strong, tough as old boots as we like to say In England. I'm nothing special, I'm quite worthless to be honest, so don't cry, I'll be fine. I will just have to deal with it. He will keep raping me but it kind of doesn't hurt any more. I just have to stop fighting he said then he won't hurt me. 

This kept on for a while the emails. Sorry not going to go through all the emails for privacy reasons but what happen was that she finally was able to get out of that house where she was being raped and into the foster care system where she was placed in a good home. The reason for her story is the show you all that no matter how long you have suffered or how you have suffered, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You can survive the worse things that have happened to you and live a good life no matter what. I hope you are encouraged by this story. SPEAK OUT AND SEEK HELP. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE STRONG. WE ARE SURVIVORS. NO MORE VICTIMS NO MORE SILENCE!!!!!!!

I also wanted to add to this that what ever this girl has been through was NOT HER FAULT!!!! So who ever thinks that i am telling you do not post any negative comments on my blog. I will delete your comments and will report it. None of what we have suffered is our faults. We didnt ask for this. SO dont you dare say its her fault or our fault. We were victims. So don't you dare say it is.!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Lets End The Silence of Sexual Abuse!!!!!!!

Lets end the silence of sexual abuse in this world. We as survivors should stand strong together and use our voices to share our stories and break the silence of our abuse and the abuse of others. I have chosen to be a voice to those who are in need of one and need courage to come up and speak out. We all should stand strong and fight this endless fight. This topic should not be taken lightly. I believe there are so many people who want to come forward but are too afraid to because of what people may think of them. No matter what anyone says, it is not our faults that this happen. We did nothing wrong nor did we provoke our abusers to attack us in that way. It doesnt matter how we dress or how we act. It doesn't have to be that way. We should be able to act how we want and dress how we like to dress without having someone trying to take advantage of us. Why is it that most victims are to blame? Its because of the outfits we choose to wear. Yes we do have the freedom to wear what we like and everything. It shouldnt make a difference but for me since i was already molested twice i do not wear anything that isnt appropriate. We should use of voices to end this abuse. To end the silence of so many people. We are not alone. If we all come together we all can make a difference. Even if we help one person speak out, it still counts for something. So lets start something all together. Lets stand strong!!!! Lets fight against the silence!!!!! Lets use our voices and shed light on the issues of silence. We can and we will do this. NO MORE VICTIMS!!!!! NO MORE SILENCE!!!!!! THE TIME IS NOW. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. LETS NOT LET OUR ABUSERS KEEP CONTROL OF US. WE SURVIVED. WE ARE STRONG. WE LIVED!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Contradicting myself........

I know I encourage others to speak out against the abuse they have endured and seek justice even though I have not done so myself. I have explain myself several times throughout my blog but i will again explain why i have not nor will i seek justice for what happened to me. The reason(s) why i have not sought out justice is because 1) I have not told my mother her husband has molested me for a few years and 2) Because she has a heart condition and i don't want the guilt to fall on me if anything happens to her. The reason I did not tell her is because when I tried to tell her about the time her own brother molested me she did not believe me. So if she didn't believe me then why would she believe me about her husband even though at one point his own family told my mother not to marry him because he had a record of molesting his previous relationships daughters but she still married him. My mother has a heart problem now. She cant be under alot of stress. If i were to tell her now that he had molested me she would be hurt because she loves him to much and/or she would become very angry and want to hurt him. Then she could end up in the hospital and if something bad happens to her I wouldn't forgive myself. I may not have an extremely close relation with my mom but I couldn't do that to her. There has been many times where i wanted to tell her but she would either shut me up or i just couldnt work up the nerve to tell her. I have come to a point where i am realizing i am doing myself damage by not letting her know. I am healing from it but the fact i don't have her support hurts. A mother is suppose to protect her child and not let anyone harm their child. She is not suppose to walk away and not do anything. I wish i had someone when all of this was happening to me so i can do more about it. But i didn't. I had kept silent for over 10yrs. But i have spoken out this year and it feel great to finally find a way to speak out. I have found great survivors on the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook fan page. Mariska Hargitay is the founder and president of the foundation. She has helped so many. She is amazing. She is an inspirational person. But the point i am trying to make is dont wait until so long to speak out and get help. That was my problem. Although i still havent gotten the full help that i may need but the way i find true healing is when i am helping someone else who is going through the same thing get the help they need. Please help me and join me and sharing my voice and story and lets stand up against abuse and speak out for justice.

Lean On Me- Kirk Franklin (Sung by Crystal Lewis)

Friday, November 4, 2011

Helping others speak out.....

Hey guys you all have read how i was abused. I have written before that my abuse had started around the ages of 10 and 13 but the truth is that t started happening before. I DID NOT LIE!!! I just blocked it out because i didn't want to admit to myself that the abuse was occurring for a while. I wanted it to be a one time thing and that's it. But in reality its not a one time thing. The abuse occurred on and off since maybe around 8 or 9. So its not that much sooner than what i had said but it did happen earlier. I hated that i went through this. But again i say that if i did not experience all these bad things, I wouldn't be as strong as i am now. I am stronger not only because i am a survivor but because i am using my voice and i am shedding light to an issue that doesn't seem to be talked about to often. Keeping silent is a choice most victims do but at the same time by speaking it you can help others come forward and help them seek justice. You have so much support and i am here for you. Please join and speak out against silence

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Why do you think people prefer silence over speaking out...........

The reason i started this project and asking this question is because SILENCE! is a huge topic that is going on and there are many who are silent for many reason. I have asked this question and i have receive several answers. You will be surprised at the answers and how many people feel the same way about remaining silent.


because their scared and feel lonely and blame them selfs even though they had no control of it and people not believing them
- Don't wanna be looked down on. Or someone judging me, or saying it wasn't really abuse, compared to what others go thru...
-Hi Tara, I am a survivor that stayed quiet for almost 8 years. I really encourage others to speak out because my silence was a very lonely place. I have actually put my story out for others to read. My hope is that it might help at least one person break their silence. Also finding the strength to speak out may result in justice. I dont think any survivor would regret coming forward knowing justice was served. :)
- Because of shame, guilt and not being believed. It's also very scary to come forward. I only "managed" thx to  . Love, C
-don't think its better I just think shame, abusers control, u want 2 forget it happened...u can 4awhile but it will come back up then I had 2 speak up b/c a dear friend came forward for me and no one believed me!
-Hey Tara I think that many people remain silent because the reality is it is very hard to come forward. A lot of people don't want to hear it, they just stick their heads in the sand. Its is very sad, sometimes things can go very bad for someone when they first expose the abuse. But on a personal note, I would not change coming forward at all. I became a pariah amongst most of my family. But I felt like I had to keep moving forward. I owe it to my self. Keeping a secret like this festers away. I am worth more. 
-I prefer silence because nobody can judge my opinions. Its keeping things inside my head. It's easier to focus sometimes with silence. 

So the point of this project was to see how many people actually feels ashamed of their abuse. For a long time i was ashamed of what happened to me. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like i did something to make them hurt me. But WE DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!! WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS. ITS NOT OUR FAULT THAT THOSE PEOPLE ARE SICK AND WOULD WANT TO HURT CHILDREN AND WOMEN. We are survivors. We should stand strong by each others side. I have found so much support through the JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION BY MARISKA HARGITAY AND ALSO THROUGH RAINN. The people that helped me speak out were from the Joyful Heart. I found other survivors that supported me and encourage me to speak out. I may have not sought justice but i know i am safe because i moved out my house in which i was abused. He can no longer have control of me. Thats the beauty of speaking out. Your abusers can no longer control you. By staying silent its like allowing them to have control of your life. YOU CAN BREAK THAT CHAIN. YOU CAN BE SET FREE. SPEAK OUT WHEN YOUR READY TO SPEAK OUT. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT NOW BUT WHEN YOUR READY YOU WILL HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE STANDING BEHIND YOU AND GIVING YOU THE SUPPORT THAT YOU NEED. I am here for you all. Don't make the mistake i made and not seeking justice. Thank God he is still with my mother because there are no more children being hurt. But if you have people who are supporting you and actually believe you then go on and SPEAK OUT. NO MORE VICTIMS NO LONGER SILENT. WE ARE BREAKING THAT CYCLE RIGHT NOW!!!! NO LONGER ALLOWING OUR ABUSERS HAVE CONTROL.