How i covered my abuse.......

I know i have shared my story so many times and i keep adding some more things to it but there are some things i didn't talk about. And that is how i acted and the things i did to get or feel the love that i never truly felt. What i mean is that the fact that i was abused by two males in my family destroyed me. I felt like i could never truly be loved by a man and even til this day even though i try my best to not allow myself to do the things that i am about to share, but  feel at times what man will love me after knowing what happen to me. Or am i going to be able to trust a man. Before i go into that again what i want to share is this. When i was 20yrs old i had my first real boyfriend. He was a sweet guy. I had known him since elementary school. When we were together i had told him what happened to me. He was shocked about it but told me he would never hurt me. Although he had not hurt me the problem was that i allowed myself to fall so hard for this guy. Although i had known him for a long time, it had been years since i hadn't seen or heard from him. Anyway he turned out to be the first guy i had sex with. I was very nervous and scared. I really did care about him. We ended up breaking things off because he was not working and i was. He wanted to try and fix his life before getting more serious. What happen after that is what im trying to make a point out of. After him for some reason i wanted to keep having sex. It felt good to me. I felt loved every time i was intimate with this guy or a guy for that matter. Several months after we broke up we met up again and we started sneaking around to fool around with each other. I was craving that intimacy. I wanted so badly to feel loved by a man. I didn't grow up with my real dad. For me my dad was my step-dad although he molested me. He said he loved me but what father loves his daughter and then molests her. That's no father. Any way I felt that love from the guys i started having sex with. After him months passed and i found someone else. Again i feel hard for this person. The worse part i found him online. I was so desperate to have a man in my life instead of waiting for the right one i would go and search for him. I thank God i didnt not turn out pregnant which i almost did with the second guy or end up with a STD. I did some crazy things but after a while of talking to some friends i realized that my actions was me crying out for help and trying to tell you there is something wrong with my. Why dont you pay attention and ask me whats going on. That was the problem with my mom. She was never one to sit down with you and ask you how was your day at school or if you were upset about something she would tell you to suck it up and get over it. That is why i still struggle with my emotions. I still hide them and get embarrassed when they show. But going back to what i was saying. My point to all of this is that since i was abused and wasnt or didnt have anyone to run to about it, i covered it up by acting out in a sexual manner when i got older. Im 24 now and im still struggling to not make that mistake again. I still need some healing in my. These wounds to me are still fresh because of the fact that i held everything in for over ten years. So what im saying is that although now i started talking about my abuse i still struggle with memories, emotions and how my body wants to do things that i dont want. My abuse took that toll on me and im done with. I choose to be now and forever a SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AND USE MY VOICE TO SPEAK OUT.

Where i am now........

Well as of now i am a college student. I started school in June of this year. I am majoring in Psychology to become a counselor for victims who have been abused. I always wanted to be a social worker or teacher when i was younger. I love working with children and talking to people and helping them get through a rough time. As i got older the career choices i had didn't really feel so good to me any more. The thing was that i was never motivated to go and pursue what i had wanted to be because my parents never finished school so to them going to college wasn't as important as it is to others. So the fact that it took me til now to go to college was not so much as being lazy but the fact of not being motivated to go to school and get a higher education. Anyway the go back to what i was saying my passion to become a counselor was when i started speaking out about what happen to me. Although i just begin speaking out online this year i actually spoke out before when i would be with them. Also some of my friends would always ask me for advice for whatever they were going through and i realized that i loved talking to them. I love helping them. But honestly it was not until i found out about Mariska Hargitay's Joyful Heart Foundation and the fact that through my blog i had people reaching out to me because i am a survivor of molestation. The asked for my help and i was able to help those through my experiences. It was then that i actually looked into Ashford University which is an online university to pursue my career to become a counselor. I want to help women, children and teens. I have an act for working with mostly teens but i want to work with women older as well. My passion grow from wanting to be a social worker to becoming a counselor. I love that i can help those and hope one day i can share my story publically and reach out to many more.