This post goes with my last post about my story.

This is my story. Now i am going to talk more about how i felt through it all and how it changed me. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life. Before i couldnt even admit that i was abused. It was hard to speak out the first time. I tried so hard to deny what had happened to me. I felt so disgusted with myself. I felt like i deceived my body but I know it wasnt me nor was it my fault. Thats thing we all believe that it is our fault, that we provoked the person to rape or molest us. We did nothing wrong. Its not our faults. We shouldn't blame ourselves. We have to stop being so hard on ourselves and stop blaming ourselves. Anyway im not involved in any organizations. I have my own blog in which i write about my story and talk about abuse and all the effects of it on my life. The hardest part of my story is the fact that my mother doesnt want to believe. I never did tell my mom the full story but i have tried to tell her some things like the way he would look at me which was in sexual ways and such but she just shut me up. Also the fact that not only i was molested my older sister was also molested by our stepfather. She was also silent for a few years and when she told my mother, my mother didnt want to believe her. So i didnt bother telling her because if she didnt believe my sister she wouldnt believe me. So that is one of the reasons why i didnt tell her besides the fact that she has heart problems. Anyway even though this is a tragic story it has made me a stronger person. I know most of you reading this must be thinking why and how has this made you a stronger person. Well the way it has made me a stronger person is that i was able to CLAIM MY LIFE BACK!!! So many people have remained silent and will continue to remain because of fear of being rejected or being hurt again. You know what it wasnt until RECENTLY that i realized that its ok if i were to get rejected. If im rejected its ok. I remember reading this quote and it made a good point. I cant remember if this is the right way it goes but it said " You cant go through life thinking everyone you will meet you hurt you in the end" Well as hard or scary that may sound especially for victims and survivors, its true. If we continue to go through our life with that fear in the end we are hurting ourselves. We are going to get hurt by people and that doesnt mean that you are going to get raped again or sexually assault. What i mean is that we should allow ourselves to put our guards down every once and a while and begin to trust people again. Someone along the line will have a similar story to you and will make your life so much worth it and you will be able to get through and move forward. Do not allow yourselves to allow your abuse to control you. Another lesson i learned was that by us remaining silent and allowing our emotions to consume us, its like we are giving our abusers the right to have done what they did and the glory. NO WE ARE NOT! We are going to claim back our lives and we are no longer going to allow our emotions to consume us and control us. Im not saying you have to stop feeling what you are feeling. Its going to take time to get through it. You are going to have moments that you do not want to continue with your life. It wasnt until last year when i started to speak out to stop cutting. Well actually until i moved out of the home where i was abused which was last may, i moved in with my sister. Im from Connecticut and i moved to New Jersey. Anyway I used to cut myself because when i chose to speak out for the first time last year in April i couldnt deal with the emotions that came with it. For the 10+ yrs that i was silent, so much emotions and anger was built up that when i wrote about my abuse online i couldnt sleep at night because i was constantly crying myself o sleep. Trust me it is very hard to keep silent. The way i spoke out was online only. I couldnt do it publically like most people and to be honestly i couldnt nor didnt get or seek justice. I couldnt for so many reasons. But i got my justice by moving out and SPEAKING OUT. No longer will i remain silent. I chose to use my voice to speak out about my abuse and help others.

I hope that with this story i give someone the courage to stand up and speak out about their own abuse. We can take a stand together and make a difference. I hope you have courage to stand and speak out. I didn't have it then but i have it now. I have gained my voice again and will use it now to shed light on the issue of silence. Even though i couldnt receive justice but i do encourage others to speak out and try to seek justice. Do not make the same mistake as I. If i could go back and try to receive justice i would but its late for me. You still have time. Get help. Join organizations that can help you. If you would like to follow me i do have a twitter account. I have two. One for my blog and another one. They are @taracl87 and @silence_no

My Story Again.

Well im now 24 years old and last April i started a blog in which i chose to speak out about my abuse. I am a survivor of childhood molestation by my stepfather and my uncle. Before i had spoken out i was silent for over ten years. The reason i didn't speak out when it first happened was for two reasons. The first is because when i told my mom that my uncle molested me she didn't want to believe it since it was her brother. It went on for a few weeks. He would touch me in places he should not be touching and then he would kiss my lips. I didn't know what was going on. I was never taught good touch bad touch. I thought it was ok for an uncle to treat you like that. Im not sure when this happened but it was around the age of 9 or 10. I say that was the first person who abused me but it was actually the same time my stepfather started molesting me. It started one day when i was sick in bed and i needed some vick vapor rub to be rubbed on my chest and back. Since my mom trusted him she allowed him to rub it on me. He started to rub it on my chest and when he did that, he began to rub my nipples. I felt really uncomfortable but again i didn't know that it was an inappropriate touch. After that im not sure what else happened. I only remember a few things that happened. The next abuse i remember was again when i was sick. My mom had went to Florida to visit my sister. She left my brother and I home since we were in school. I had gotten sick and stayed home from school. I was in my parents room which was also the living room at the time. I was on the couch resting and trying to watch the television. He began to kiss my on my neck and then made his way up to my lips. Again i didn't know how to react to that but my body deceived me at that moment. My body liked that attention even though i felt disgusted and scared. I didn't know what would happened next. Then he would bribe me with money and sweets since i was still young. Again im not sure when it happened but it was around the age of 10 or so. Maybe younger. Anyway i believe it was that same that this next thing happened. I had gotten up to go to my room and he followed me. The next thing i know is that he pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and moving his body back and forth as though having sex with me. I can still see the look on his face every time i talked about this part of my story. Smiling like he was proud of what he was doing. I felt really scared and disgusted at it. I didn't know what to do. Anyway after that moment it was your usual inappropriate touching that lasted until about a year ago or so. Even though he did what he did he would still try to touch me in places he shouldn't and make these strange noises and facial expressions. I had kept silent for so long and i was tired of dealing with so much emotions and hurt. My mom also wouldn't let me tell her. She told me she wouldn't believe me because my sister also was also abused and she didn't believe her because she also waited a while to come up to my mom. So my believes that since we held it in for so long that we must have enjoyed it. Anyway my mother doesn't know and as much as i want to tell her i cant right now because she has a heart condition and i do not want to be the blame if something happens to her. So here i am now sharing my story in the virtual world and hoping to help others speak out. I am a psychology major and will become a counselor for victims. 

I hope that with this story i give someone the courage to stand up and speak out about their own abuse. We can take a stand together and make a difference. I hope you have courage to stand and speak out. I didn't have it then but i have it now. I have gained my voice again and will use it now to shed light on the issue of silence. 

RAINN Supporters day!!!!!

Natasha Hagan @Char_Coop4eva is in charged of this website for supporters day (  http://www.teamstrick.org/rainnsupportersday.htm ).

She is in charged of RAINN supporters day. This day is for all supporters and survivors of RAINN. RAINN has done so much for survivors and have helped so many people move forward. On their website http://www.rainn.org you can get help by speaking to an online hotline. They offer so many ways to get help. RAINN is one of the many organization that is trying to help victims and survivors continue and gain courage to get their llife back on track and not be afraid to live life fully again. 

So the reason for this is to first tell you about the RAINN supporters day which is Friday January 27. You can check out the first link i posted. Secondly to let you know about all the efforts RAINN does and finally to ask if anyone wants to join and even submit your story for this day i ask you to go and tweet Natasha Hagan and she can help you out. Please help us by showing our support with RAINN.  They are doing a great job and by helping them they can continue to do such an incredible job. Lets stand together in this day. Thank you and hope my followers can help out. Remember by sharing your story your voice you may encourage someone else to step forward and speak out. 

Also come and follow RAINN on twitter. @RAINN01

I AM AN ADVOCATE

I consider myself to be an advocate because of the following reasons:
-I am sharing my story with the world through my blog and twitter.
-I am no longer silent
-I am standing up for something that matters.
-I am giving a voice to others by giving my voice and speaking out.

I know i am an advocate. I am willing to share my voice and story to those who need me and need someone who shares their pain. Its hard but together we can heal and get through these rough patches in our lives. No longer are we going to remain silent. No longer are we going to allow our abusers to hold us down. The more we stay silent, the more we hold on to the pain, we are giving our abusers the glory to get away with the things they did to us. Im not saying you shouldn't hurt or that its not a big deal. It is a big deal. But i learned through family and through a book im reading that we cant keep holding on to the abuse we went through.

 WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPEAK OUT AND NOT BE ASHAMED. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SHARE OUR STORY AND BE FREE FROM THE HURT, EMOTIONS AND FLASHBACKS. IM NOT SAYING YOU CANT CRY WHEN YOU SHARE YOUR STORY. ITS OK BUT WE SHOULDN'T ALLOW OUR ABUSE TO KEEP CONTROL OF US. YES IT WAS A BAD THING A VERY BAD THING WE HAD TO ENDURE BUT IN THE END WE GOT JUSTICE. WE ARE FREE. WE CAN CONTINUE TO BE FREE IF WE CHOOSE TO BE FREE. DO NOT LET YOUR ABUSE CONTROL YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE FREE. YOU SURVIVED. AND YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SURVIVE. NO LONGER SILENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO LONGER VICTIMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOGETHER WE TAKE A STAND AND SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. LETS END THE SILENCE. LETS END THE ABUSE. LETS USE OUR VOICES TO GIVE THOSE A VOICE WHO COULDNT DO SO. SO MANY OUT THERE WHO HAVENT HAD THE COURAGE TO STAND UP AND THEY PAID THE PRICE. NO MORE. WE NEED TO END THIS NOW. WE HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE TO HELP SPREAD THE WORD ON SEXUAL ABUSE ON CHILDREN AND WOMEN.

Lets help out by joining groups like JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION which is founded by Mariska Hargitay and also RAINN. These groups can help you and give you support.  You can follow them on twitter @Mariska @TheJHF @RAINN01
HELP THEM HELP US SURVIVE AND BREAK THE SILENCE AND END THE ABUSE. TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

Becoming a counselor?

Well some may know this but to those who do not know i started college over the summer and im majoring in psychology to become a counselor for women and children. Since i was younger i wanted to either be a social worker or teacher. I love helping others and being around children as well. So i figured a teacher and social worker would be the best career choices for me.....

Well since i was younger i always denied the fact that i was abused. I didn't want to admit to myself or anyone that i was abused so thinking about helping others shouldn't bother me. Well in ways i was wrong. Since i started speaking out last year even though i didn't start school until the summer and i spoke out in the beginning of the year, i felt that me becoming a counselor wouldn't be a good idea. How can i be a counselor and help others if i haven't received counseling myself? I wouldn't know what process i would have to go through to help the person. So in my mind i thought that i wouldn't make a good counselor. It wasnt until i started my blog and talking about my abuse and being able to relate to others that i realized that i can be a counselor and its my passion and calling. I realized that i can help people especially those who been through what we all suffered.

I felt like i wasnt meant to be a counselor but as i show my blog grow and even my twitter grow with other survivors, i knew i was meant to help others. I already do it through my blog.  I am no longer afraid to achieve my goal as a counselor and i know i will be a great one because i have experiences that i can relate to my clients. And i know i will continue to get my healing by helping others and pursuing my passion.

I WILL BE A COUNSELOR AND I KNOW I WILL HELP OTHERS THROUGH THEIR JOURNEY AND HEALING. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE CAN GET THROUGH TOGETHER.

Stop blaming the victims.

OK so i don't know about anyone else but i am tired of hearing people blame the victims of rape/molestation and saying " If they didn't act like that or wear that, they wouldn't get raped. Yes we should be careful with what we wear bur at the same time we have the right to wear whatever we want. Victims shouldn't be the one to blame. I mean don't go out there in just underwear and a bra but be careful on what you do wear. Either way you shouldn't blame the victim even if she did wear just underwear and a bra. Its not like they are asking to get raped or molested. They are just comfortable with their bodies. I mean i agree that you should watch what you wear especially when your in a place thats horrible but also you should be able to dress the way you want with out feeling like something bad will happen to you.

I dont know.............

This is something that im confused on. I mean its not like its rocket science here you know. I mean i dont want  to say that you should blame the victim. Its never the victims fault. No matter how it happens.

Well this is my opinion. Feel free to comment if you want to add to this or what ever your opinion is but overall i dont think you should blame the victim. Its not right...............

I finally let go!!!

So to all my readers and twitter followers, you all know about my abuse. Well even though i sit here and post and encourage others to speak out and not let what happened to us get the best of us and keep us down, i myself wasnt really taking my own advice. Yes i spoke out and shared my story many times but i was still holding on to the pain and hurt and not fully letting it go so i can heal. Yes its going to be hard to let it go but if we keep shutting ourselves away from people and hiding what happened to us we are not going to get full healing. Like Mariska said in the one episode of SVU " True healing comes when you bear witness meaning that when you speak out, others can hear you and your story can touch them and they will have courage to speak out and that in turn will help you heal because you know that your helping others deal with their pain while your dealing with yours.

I wasnt trying to contradict myself here. I was just as afraid as must of you of letting my guard down and allowing myself to get hurt again and i hate feeling rejected. I want to be able to be with a guy and not be afraid of getting hurt again. I dont want to push others away especially if they are special to me and have a purpose in my life. We cant go through life thinking that everyone we meet will hurt us. Its not like that. We have to get over that fear. Yes we may get heart broken but in the end that will make us stronger. Even in the midst of darkness there is light. And that light is that by us sharing our voices and sharing our stories to others, we can help break the cycle of silence. So many people are afraid of speaking out because of the fear of getting hurt again or our abusers will attack us or our families. But if we seek justice all of that can go away. Again yes there will be moments where we feel that we cant go on but if we just hang on a little longer it will and can get better. My sister helped me figure this out- by us continuing to stay in that moment of our abuse its like we're allowing our abusers to hurt us again and we dont want that at all.

If we continue to use our voices and share our stories we stop giving our abusers glory. By us staying silent, we are hurting ourselves while our abusers are enjoying their lives and acting like nothing happened. But something did happen and now its the time to get through it and stand up together and break free.

WE DECLARE AT THIS MOMENT THAT WE ARE CHOOSING TO BREAK FREE FROM OUR ABUSERS BY SHARING OUR VOICES AND OUR STORIES. WE  WILL NO LONGER REMAIN SILENT. WE WILL NO LONGER LET OUR HURT KEEP CONTROL OVER US. WE CHOOSE NOW TO LET IT GO AND RECEIVE FULL HEALING AND ALLOWING OTHERS INTO OUR LIVES TO HELP US GET THROUGH THIS JOURNEY. WE ARE BREAKING THE SILENCE AND BREAKING EVERY ATTACK AGAINST US FOR USING OUR VOICES.

If you agree with this statement then comment or tweet me through my twitter accounts
@silence_no @taracl87

Being raped or molested is no joke!! Its not our faults!!!!

I said this once before and i will say it again. I am tired of people talking badly about us being raped and molested. Im tired of people making joking and/or blaming the victims for what happened to us. Do you honestly think that we asked to get raped/molested? No the hell we didnt. Sorry for the language but im tired of either being blamed that its our faults or that we are not believed. People prefer to believe the abuser over the victims. It should matter how we dress or act the night it happened, it shouldn't have happened in the first place. It doesn't matter if you were considered a slut or not, you didn't deserve to be raped/molested. Its not our faults that we were in the hands of abusers. Its not our faults that we didn't have anyone to talk to about this situation. Its not our faults.

SO I SAY TO YOU DO NOT DARE TO SIT THERE AND SAY THAT ITS OUR FAULTS. THAT WE ASKED TO GET RAPED/MOLESTED. YOU COULD BE THE CRUELEST PERSON IN THE WORLD BUT NO ONE UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DESERVES TO ENDURE THIS TYPE OF PAIN IN THEIR LIVES.

WE NEVER WANTED THIS BURDEN UPON US. IT WASNT OUR FAULT THAT NO ONE PROTECTED US. IT WASNT OUR FAULT THAT WHEN WE TOLD SOMEONE THEY DIDNT WANT TO BELIEVE US. ITS NOT OUR FAULTS.

SO ONCE AGAIN I SAY TO YOU DO NOT DARE TO SAY THAT ITS THE VICTIMS FAULT AND DO NOT JOKE ABOUT THIS MATTER. IM TIRED OF PEOPLE NOT TAKING  THIS SUBJECT SERIOUSLY. SO MANY UNTESTED RAPE KITS OUT THERE AND NO ONE WANTS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

WE CAN HEAL BY SHARING OUR STORIES AND STAYING STRONG. WE CAN GAIN OUR LIVES BACK AND I BELIEVE BY DOING SO IS 1) SAYING ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I AM STRONGER THAN BEFORE. MY ABUSERS WILL NO LONGER KEEP CONTROL OVER ME 2) SHARING YOUR STORY WITH OTHERS TO HELP THEM HEAL

Here are a few organizations you can follow on twitter that can help with our situations.
@TheJHF, @RAINN01,
There are others as well but this are the two that have helped me through other survivors stories. Get the help you need. I am here to only speak out and help encourage others to do the same.