I hope that with this story i give someone the courage to stand up and speak out about their own abuse. We can take a stand together and make a difference. I hope you have courage to stand and speak out. I didn't have it then but i have it now. I have gained my voice again and will use it now to shed light on the issue of silence. Even though i couldnt receive justice but i do encourage others to speak out and try to seek justice. Do not make the same mistake as I. If i could go back and try to receive justice i would but its late for me. You still have time. Get help. Join organizations that can help you. If you would like to follow me i do have a twitter account. I have two. One for my blog and another one. They are @taracl87 and @silence_no
Friday, January 27, 2012
This post goes with my last post about my story.
This is my story. Now i am going to talk more about how i felt through it all and how it changed me. Being a survivor of sexual assault has changed my life. Before i couldnt even admit that i was abused. It was hard to speak out the first time. I tried so hard to deny what had happened to me. I felt so disgusted with myself. I felt like i deceived my body but I know it wasnt me nor was it my fault. Thats thing we all believe that it is our fault, that we provoked the person to rape or molest us. We did nothing wrong. Its not our faults. We shouldn't blame ourselves. We have to stop being so hard on ourselves and stop blaming ourselves. Anyway im not involved in any organizations. I have my own blog in which i write about my story and talk about abuse and all the effects of it on my life. The hardest part of my story is the fact that my mother doesnt want to believe. I never did tell my mom the full story but i have tried to tell her some things like the way he would look at me which was in sexual ways and such but she just shut me up. Also the fact that not only i was molested my older sister was also molested by our stepfather. She was also silent for a few years and when she told my mother, my mother didnt want to believe her. So i didnt bother telling her because if she didnt believe my sister she wouldnt believe me. So that is one of the reasons why i didnt tell her besides the fact that she has heart problems. Anyway even though this is a tragic story it has made me a stronger person. I know most of you reading this must be thinking why and how has this made you a stronger person. Well the way it has made me a stronger person is that i was able to CLAIM MY LIFE BACK!!! So many people have remained silent and will continue to remain because of fear of being rejected or being hurt again. You know what it wasnt until RECENTLY that i realized that its ok if i were to get rejected. If im rejected its ok. I remember reading this quote and it made a good point. I cant remember if this is the right way it goes but it said " You cant go through life thinking everyone you will meet you hurt you in the end" Well as hard or scary that may sound especially for victims and survivors, its true. If we continue to go through our life with that fear in the end we are hurting ourselves. We are going to get hurt by people and that doesnt mean that you are going to get raped again or sexually assault. What i mean is that we should allow ourselves to put our guards down every once and a while and begin to trust people again. Someone along the line will have a similar story to you and will make your life so much worth it and you will be able to get through and move forward. Do not allow yourselves to allow your abuse to control you. Another lesson i learned was that by us remaining silent and allowing our emotions to consume us, its like we are giving our abusers the right to have done what they did and the glory. NO WE ARE NOT! We are going to claim back our lives and we are no longer going to allow our emotions to consume us and control us. Im not saying you have to stop feeling what you are feeling. Its going to take time to get through it. You are going to have moments that you do not want to continue with your life. It wasnt until last year when i started to speak out to stop cutting. Well actually until i moved out of the home where i was abused which was last may, i moved in with my sister. Im from Connecticut and i moved to New Jersey. Anyway I used to cut myself because when i chose to speak out for the first time last year in April i couldnt deal with the emotions that came with it. For the 10+ yrs that i was silent, so much emotions and anger was built up that when i wrote about my abuse online i couldnt sleep at night because i was constantly crying myself o sleep. Trust me it is very hard to keep silent. The way i spoke out was online only. I couldnt do it publically like most people and to be honestly i couldnt nor didnt get or seek justice. I couldnt for so many reasons. But i got my justice by moving out and SPEAKING OUT. No longer will i remain silent. I chose to use my voice to speak out about my abuse and help others.