I am ok!!!!!!!!

As you all know i have been debating that i wanted and needed to tell my mother about my abuse from her husband. Well this passed five days we had a revival in our church and it was incredible. God moved in so many ways and He spoke to me. ( Yes I am a Christian) God told me that what i had  been through, all the hurt and pain i had to go through for a reason. It was to make me stronger and make me a better person. I am strong. I know that He has healed my wounds and my pain that i had endured for so many years. The abuse didn't last through all these years but the memories and pain from it had made me suffer all this time. I know i help encourage others through my blog and my story but i couldn't admit to myself or others that I needed help myself. I thought that I was ok. But I wasn't. It took me a long time to realize that i needed help. I finally got help one by talking to RAINN online hotline and also by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He healed me for good. I no longer feel sorry for myself. I FORGAVE MYSELF. I FORGAVE MY ABUSERS. NO LONGER WILL I ALLOW MY PAIN TO CONTROL ME. NO MORE. I AM HEALED. I WILL CONTINUE TO SHARE MY STORY. I AM FREE!!!!!!!!

What my body desired!!!!!

I have said this before but I want to share it again. After I was abused I had denied that it had ever happened. I didn't want any one to know. I felt ashamed and disgusted. I didn't want anyone to think less of me. After a while I felt that what had happened to me wasn't all that important at all. Why would people care what happened to me? I wasn't raped. This is a question that went through my mind all this time. Sometime to be honest with you i still think about it. Why do people care about my story? I wasn't raped. How can I relate to them? This is how I felt when I started speaking out the first time. It was horrible. I felt bad for those who came up to me and asked for help because I felt I couldn't relate to them. But I learned that it doesn't matter if you were raped or molested, its still something that should not have occurred.......

I didn't realize that what had happened to me would have affected my actions. It truly had. When I finished high school I started dating. When I dated its like I was a completely different person. I would be someone I wasn't and became someone that my exes wanted. I would act a certain why for them and when I was with family I would act different. Then I would allow them to get intimate with me and I enjoyed it. After the first time my body wanted more because in that sense I felt loved. I felt that by doing this with a man I was being loved. I tried so hard to find love in those men that in the end I ended up hurting myself. I began online dating which I said I would never do but did it anyway. I would even meet the guy in person. I put myself in dangerous situations and I thank God He was with me because I could have been hurt or killed. After the guys would break up with me I would get really depressed and begin thinking what is wrong with me. Why arent this guys sticking around. It could be one of two reasons: 1)Im not their type or 2)they can sense there is something wrong with me. But all I know is that they didn't want me after they had their fun with me. But even though in ways they took advantage of me i still wanted more. I wanted so much love from these guys because I lost that growing up. Not only by my abusers but also my mom. But the thing is my body wanted more and I kept going for guys who would provide my needs. All this time I thought they it was natural to feel that way but in reality I was in so much denial of what had happened to me that I acted out in this way. I never really wanted to do the things i did but it happened........

The reason why i decided to right this is because i know its hard to deal what we have been through. No one can fully understand what we been through if you haven't been through something like it. It not natural to act out in this way. We should get help and be able to talk to someone who can help us get through this. Im not a counselor so I can't say what you should do. The reasons for ALL MY POST IS JUST TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO SEEK HELP. DON'T make my mistake. I didn't get the help I needed but at least I was able to speak out even though it took 10yrs. I hope you stay encouraged and get help. You should talk to RAINN who has an online hotline. Their website is  http://www.rainn.org

RAINN Speakers Bureau!!!!

Well i haven't really told any one to much about this because i was honestly debating if i should do it or not. RAINN has asked me to join their speakers bureau which consist of survivors sharing their stories and educating others about abuse. I truly want to do this. My biggest fear would be that they would want me to speak out publically. I honestly wouldn't mind speaking out publically or going places to speak out about my abuse. If that helps to bring more awareness then i am all for it. I want to continue to share my story with others. My other fear  is that people would look at me weird since i was only molested. I said this before and i will say this again. For a long time i felt that what i been through wasn't worth anything and that is wasn't or isn't worth telling the police because they wouldn't do anything. But i realized that is was something important and that i was something tragic that happened to me and it should be spoken about. So my thing is this. I am afraid that if i join the Speakers Bureau i will be asked to speak out in public. I honestly wouldnt mind doing it but not just yet. Im still preparing myself for the right time to speak out more. I wouldnt mind have my story in papers or magazines. I want to be part of Speakers Bureau and i am thankful and honored that RAINN has asked to join and i will continue to share my story with them and with everyone. I want to do this. I know i can reach out to more people and bring more healing and awareness.