Thursday, February 16, 2012

What my body desired!!!!!

I have said this before but I want to share it again. After I was abused I had denied that it had ever happened. I didn't want any one to know. I felt ashamed and disgusted. I didn't want anyone to think less of me. After a while I felt that what had happened to me wasn't all that important at all. Why would people care what happened to me? I wasn't raped. This is a question that went through my mind all this time. Sometime to be honest with you i still think about it. Why do people care about my story? I wasn't raped. How can I relate to them? This is how I felt when I started speaking out the first time. It was horrible. I felt bad for those who came up to me and asked for help because I felt I couldn't relate to them. But I learned that it doesn't matter if you were raped or molested, its still something that should not have occurred.......

I didn't realize that what had happened to me would have affected my actions. It truly had. When I finished high school I started dating. When I dated its like I was a completely different person. I would be someone I wasn't and became someone that my exes wanted. I would act a certain why for them and when I was with family I would act different. Then I would allow them to get intimate with me and I enjoyed it. After the first time my body wanted more because in that sense I felt loved. I felt that by doing this with a man I was being loved. I tried so hard to find love in those men that in the end I ended up hurting myself. I began online dating which I said I would never do but did it anyway. I would even meet the guy in person. I put myself in dangerous situations and I thank God He was with me because I could have been hurt or killed. After the guys would break up with me I would get really depressed and begin thinking what is wrong with me. Why arent this guys sticking around. It could be one of two reasons: 1)Im not their type or 2)they can sense there is something wrong with me. But all I know is that they didn't want me after they had their fun with me. But even though in ways they took advantage of me i still wanted more. I wanted so much love from these guys because I lost that growing up. Not only by my abusers but also my mom. But the thing is my body wanted more and I kept going for guys who would provide my needs. All this time I thought they it was natural to feel that way but in reality I was in so much denial of what had happened to me that I acted out in this way. I never really wanted to do the things i did but it happened........

The reason why i decided to right this is because i know its hard to deal what we have been through. No one can fully understand what we been through if you haven't been through something like it. It not natural to act out in this way. We should get help and be able to talk to someone who can help us get through this. Im not a counselor so I can't say what you should do. The reasons for ALL MY POST IS JUST TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO SEEK HELP. DON'T make my mistake. I didn't get the help I needed but at least I was able to speak out even though it took 10yrs. I hope you stay encouraged and get help. You should talk to RAINN who has an online hotline. Their website is


  1. as you mentioned, regardless of whether you were raped or molested it is something that should not have happened. You said you felt you couldnt relate- i disagree. The worst thing about being raped wasn't the physical act but the betrayal i felt.

    Thanks for sharing.

    1. Your welcome. I know i can relate its just at times i feel like i cant. I always felt what happened to me didnt matter. When i told my mom about my uncle touching me, she first kicked him out then when everyone else found out, they all started saying it was a spank in the butt. So i never told her what her husband did to me and also because she didnt believe my sister when it happened to her. It is a betrayal not only by the abusers but also the parent who didnt do anything about it. Thats what hurts the most.

  2. Reading this I want to let you know that I can totally relate to everything you said. I did the same thing when it came to men, constantly searching for someone to fill that emptiness. Looking for a man to be our safe place and feel protected but we were always looking in the wrong places. I totally relate to you and keep on posting and encouraging. Thank you Tara for your post and support!!

  3. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. I thank God now i am able to be around guys and not be afraid that something will happen. I still keep a guard up sometimes but im trying to let it go.

  4. I can definitely relate to what you are saying here. Unfortunately, being physically intimate without feelings involved was one of my coping mechanisms because I, too, felt loved, cared for in this sense. *sigh*

  5. Yes its the worse thing to feel and deal with but being a victim has so many affects. Its hard to not go down that path. I try hard not to fall for every guy and let my guard down. But in the end we have to let our guard down but for the right reasons. We can continue on in life thinking everyone is going to hurt us. Yes there are cruel people out there but we cant keep allowing our abuse or abusers to keep that control over us. If we do its like were letting them win and the abuse is still there.

    Forgive me if im wrong and i apologize for speaking harshly but this is something i myself am recently learning. I held on to my abuse for so long that its still affecting me. But i am trying now to let it go so i can continue on with my life and follow my dreams and pursue a great career in counseling.