Thursday, October 27, 2011

Older Men.....

I have always wondered why suddenly i have been attracted to older men. I realized that its because i was molested by my step-dad and uncle and my real father was not around as much. Him and my mother have been divorce since i about 2 and a half and 3 so my stepfather raised me since then. I pretty much viewed him as my father. He was always there for me. He took care of me. When i was sick he would rubbed vicks vapor rub on my back and chest. When he was doing that he would start to rub my nipples with the palm of his hands. Since i saw him as my father i didn't know or think anything of it. I just thought it was normal for a dad to do that to his child. As i got a little older still only like 9 or 10 or so he would scratch my back. Again i thought nothing of it. He would scratch along side my arm where with his fingers he could touch my breast. I thought nothing of it. I was never taught good touch/bad touch. The first time that he got more into touching me was when i was sick with pneumonia. I was around the age of 10 or so. My mother had gone to Florida to visit my sister at that time. I was in his room which was where the television was at. I was seating on the couch. I was feeling sick so i stayed in his and my moms room. He then would start to kiss me. I didn't know what to do. In many ways my body started to act crazy. I didn't understand what was going on. I hate that reaction. How does a ten year old now about the way her body is suppose to act towards something like this. My body enjoyed it although the rest of me did not. I hate it so much. I wanted to scream but i was sick and i was in a daze. I felt like this couldn't be happening to me. I would stop and tell him to stop but then he would bribe with money and sweets. Then i would still let him touch me. After a while i had gotten up to use the bathroom.Then i went to my room. He then followed me and pinned me against the wall and began moving his body back and forth as though in a sexual manner. Again i didn't know what to do or say. I just stood there and let him do that to me. After years went on i would still let him scratch my back. He even started rubbing me feet when i had started working. When he did that he would start moving his hand more up my pant leg and rub my legs. I felt uncomfortable but again me body felt otherwise. I hate the fact that my body enjoyed that. I hate myself for allowing that man to continue to touch me even after what he did. I couldn't stand it. The sad part to all of this isn't what happened to me but the fact that i couldn't tell my mother. When i had told her about my uncle she didn't do anything about it so why would she do something with this man. So the point that i am getting is that by all of this that happen to me, not having a true male role model in my life or daddy figure, i am drawn to other men. I guess i am just looking for that guy to give me the love i never felt from my stepdad nor my real father. So i am praying that i can change and not allow my abuse to have that much control over my life. So i am speaking out against remaining silent and from allowing my abuse to control my life. I am no longer a victim but am a strong survivor.


  1. Wow that was again very brave for you sharing that with us. I can't tell you how to feel but those are normal body functions and physiological responses, your stepdad was in the wrong, not the way your body responded to him doing something wrong to you. I know you will heal and you will a great instrument to use for others!

  2. I know. Thats why im majoring in psychology to become a counselor for others. I created a twitter account for my blog to get it out there. I want and chose to be a voice to others who never had that voice to speak out. Thank you. I know it wasnt my fault. I couldnt control how my body reacted. It was hard. Its still hard to talk about it. Everytime i do talk about it i cringe. But i know i am getting healed.

  3. Hello Tara,
    I am a recent survivor of rape and I happened to stumble upon your blog and I have been so encouraged by what you have to say. I too am psychology major and I plan on becoming a counselor as well. I have become a follower of your blog and I would love it if you could come along side me and check out my blog as well. I could really use the support right now.

    God Bless,

  4. I sure will find your blog and follow it. I am glad you found my blog and thank you for sharing with me. I am sorry you were raped. WE are stronger now. I was just molested but i can still relate to you and others. I have made this blog to give a voice to those who have remained silent for years such i have