Friday, October 7, 2011

Should I or Shouldnt I........

Well some may already now that i am majoring in psychology. I will be getting my bachelors degree in four years to become a counselor for victims since i have been through the same things as them. My biggest fear is that i will not be able to keep my composure when it comes to counseling them. Im afraid of triggers, emotions and memories of the abuse. I hate when my emotions get the best of me. I hate when i have to deal with the memories of what happened to me. I hate that. I can deal with what happened to me but when it comes to the emotions its really hard to get through them. Why is that? So my thing is this. Am i really going for the right career path? Or am i just going to have to deal with this and just follow my dreams. I know the answer to this question. Just needed to say it aloud. I know i can help many women and children just through my own experiences. I have already been helping people and i love the responses im getting from it. It makes me feel better when i can make someone who has been through a rough time feel better and understand that what happened to them was not their fault. I know that what i been through was not my fault. Some times i still struggle with things that happened to me. Some times i feel disgusted at the fact that my body enjoyed what it been through. I hate that. I hate myself at times because of that. I don't like it at all. But i learned that its normal for that to happen. It doesn't mean that we wanted it to happened or that we actually enjoyed it. Another thing that i hated was that i did not stop him right away. Its like i wanted more. I still hate myself for allowing myself to do that. I hate it. One thing that i have to say is this; one episode of Law and Order SVU Mariska Hargitay's character Det. Olivia said something that made me think. She said that some victims tend to seek out older men in relationships to fell in the void of not having that male figure in your life. I tend to do that. For some reason i am attracted to older men. I like them. Not sure if it has to do with what i been through but that made me think about what im doing. Is it really wrong though. Anyway i just wanted to share this little piece of my life at the moment and what im thinking about. I know i made the right choice in my degree and i hope i can succeed in it.


  1. I do pray and hope that you succeed as well Tara. I honestly do believe that you will if you keep your eyes fixated on your goal. I am telling you from personal experience, don't look anywhere else but where you're going, because your body follows wherever your eye is fixated on. Both literally and metaphorically. If you're look elsewhere and trying to walk forward, we all know you risk the chance of running into something and hurting yourself, and you do eventually run into something and hurt yourself. PLEASE for the life of me, stay focused on your dreams and goals right now. Yes there will be other paths to get there but keep going with your gut and don't be too resistant to a different path either. When I say different path I mean a different way than we normally planned at first but what will still lead us to doing what we wanted to do in the end anyway. I know you will succeed if you're persistent enough and don't lose hope or give up during the rough times. I think survivors are the best people to work with other survivors because they have a little better understanding and empathy to help once they're completely and truly healed. You're amazing and I think you're quite brave actually. I'm rooting for you over here!

    Smile :)

  2. Thank you again. I know i will succeed in this field. I still have four years to go. Just started it this summer. Its an online school but its worth it. I know i can help others through my experiences. I am not giving up. I just hate having to deal with the emotions. I know it takes time for healing to be complete and i know i will get there. I hate it though. This happened to me about ten years ago. I should have been healed but thats my fault for keeping silent for that long. Now im struggling just a bit with the emotions and memories.

  3. I am proud of you wanting to share your voice with others. Take your time. I have my BA in psychology. But, that is how far I have gotten with it. Right now I am in t. myself. Learning much more than what my BA has to offer. But, it is a requirement. But the true requirement is "life" and what you have gone through in order to help someone else. Blessings.

  4. yeah im becoming a counselor. thats what i want to do. help people who have been through the same things as i.