ANOTHER PART OF MY LIFE!!!!

Again to do those who knows all about my life so far and all i have been through you will know where im going with this. I cant stress this enough. Its hard for me to go out and speak out in public. My mom doesnt know nor will believe me so she will not support me. I have a huge support system and friends who truly believe me and who will stick by me but the fact of not having my mother, the one who is suppose to protect you and stick by your side no matter what, kills me inside and out. Its hard not having her protection there. The hardest part of it all was that she was visiting family in florida the time my stepdad decided to molest me and on top of it all i was sick. He took advantage of me that whole time he was taking care of me. (im going off track here for a reason) When i was younger, I cant remember how old i was; maybe around 8 or 9, my stepdad used to rub vicks on my chest to help me breathe better through the night when i was sick. One time as he did that he started rubbing with the palm of  his hand my nipple and just smiled at me like he was enjoying himself. I know now that he was in fact enjoying himself because of what he did shortly after. Anyway at that time I really didnt think much to it because i was never taugh GOOD TOUCH/BAD TOUCH so i didnt know or understand what was going on at that moment. It was terrible. Now getting back to what i was saying. The point is that my mom allowed these things to happen rather she knew it or not. She missed to warning signs and just didnt believe when i tried to say something. There was a time i tried to tell her. I didnt say the horrible details but i told how he would give me these looks and then smile at whenever i sat in an inappropiate possession. I sometimes feel its my fault because i sat that way. I didnt know i was sitting wrong. But i tried to tell her but she just shut me up. The worst part of it all was that his family told my mother not to marry him because he had a record before of molested his ex girlfriend's daughter. Who in the right mind will marry a man who had that on his record. Anyway again my point is that even though i have a huge support group on my side who will stick by me, i cant do anything about what happen to me. What i AM doing is going to college to become a counselor for women/children/teens like me who never had someone to speak out to.

The true reason why I wont nor why I couldnt seek justice

Those who are following my blog who have fully read my story knows that I havent sought justice for being molested by my stepdad and uncle. The true reason is 1) i was really scared and had no one to talk to about it. 2) My mother didnt believe me the first time it happen so i never told her about the second time. 3)Finally i waited over ten years to start speaking out about which was the beginning of this year. I couldnt seek justice because I didnt have anyone to help me through the process. Now that i am older and i had looked up the statute of limitation for the state of connecticut i have until my 48th birthday to report the abuse. Even if i wanted to i cant. The fact of the matter is that my mother is still my stepdad regardless of what happen. She sticks by his side no matter what and if i tried to tell her what happen she wouldnt believe me. I had tried to tell her many times, well not all the details, she just shut me up and made me apologize to him. It was sickening. Since i started speaking out through twitter, joyful heart foundation facebook page, and experience project i have had people reach out to me and ask for my help. I encourage them to seek help. I tell them my story and explain why i couldnt. As much as it may sound contradicting, its not. I say to seek justice because i dont want anyone to make the same mistakes i had made and had to deal with the emotions that came after. All the flashbacks, memories, painful emotions. The reason i cant tell my mother fully is because she now suffers from heart problems and if i tried to tell her i dont want to be the blame for her illness or something much worse. I cant put her through that. I choose to continue to carry this burden. I have forgiven him but im so disgusted. I hated having to live at home and walk by him like nothing has happen. I smile on the outside but on the inside i am suffering and screaming yet no one can hear me. SO I continue to encourage others to please dont make the same mistake i did. I think to myself at times and wonder maybe i can still go through the court process but for what. I cant. But you still can. Dont give up. Seek justice. Its late for me but theres still time for you. I just thank the joyful heart foundation and their amazing president and founder Mariska Hargitay because they are incredible. Mariska is not only a face on a cause but she is truly involved with the victims. Her role on the show as Det. Olivia Benson has a huge role in my speaking out. She gave me courage and helped me realize that its not my fault no matter how it happen. Mariska is awesome and i would love to meet her one day. She is one of my reason why im pursueing career in Psychology to become a counselor for women like myself as well as child/teens. Ive always wanted to do this. This has been a passion but with Law and Order svu and Mariska,, they have helped me truly seek my goal.

Many whys??? Hows? Whos? Whats?

Since i have been speaking out about my abuse its been pretty hard. I look back and think why couldnt i talk to anyone about it. Why did i have to have a mother who stuck by the man who abused her daughter. Why? Why wasnt i protected? Who was going to save me? If my mother couldnt or wouldnt protect me who would? These are questions i struggle with sometimes and it really hurts. What mother in the right mind will allow her husband to molest her daughter and not do anything about it. It hurts to have to live with that. There has been many many times i tried to tell her about it but she told me to shut up and stop lieing. That hurts. Why does parents tell their children they never wanted them or wishes they were never born? That happen to me. My mother told me all growing up she never wanted me. How can you say that? So many times hearing that i began to believe that she never loved me and i always felt like black sheep of the family. I began believing that i must be a horrible child/daughter for her to tell me that. Who says things like that to their children?Who? Why? What have i done? What if i was born into another family? Would I still had to endure all this pain? Would it have been easier? Would it have been worse? Would I have been truly loved? So many questions not enough answers. Growing up i have always believed that what had happen to me wasnt such a big deal. I didnt know bad touch/good touch. My mom never taught. I found out on my own when it happen and i felt uneased about it. I was never taught. I always thought it was ok for my stepdad to touch me a cetain way because he raised me my who life. Im almost 24. Its took me over ten years to finally speak out and realize what i went through was bad and it shouldnt be permitted. Its not appropriate for a father, stepdad, uncle whoever it is to touch you inappropriately. I just realized that. Its hard to have to endure so much pain and have to continue to suffer in silence. I may have had courage to speak out online to the joyful heart foundation but i dont have the courage to have to speak out pubically and seek justice the right way. I found my own justice by taking a stand and speaking out online and offering my help to those who need it who never had someone to talk to. I found my justice when i decided to finally move out the house where i was being abuse. I spoke out. Its hard to have to still put on a fake smile when im around my stepdad and uncle who molested as well as my mom for not doing anything about it. I hated having to walk around the house as if nothing has happen to me when inside i am screaming for help. So my point is this. Even though there are so m any questions floating around in your mind there is only one answer. YOU SURVIVED!!!!NO LONGER A VICTIM!!!!

Statute of limitation for state of connecticut

Connecticut does not have a common law discovery provision, but the existing special statute allows action within 30 years from the date a victim reaches the "age of majority." This means that generally a victim has until the day before his or her 48th birthday to file suit. Victims must, however, contact an attorney long before that deadline in order to have a suit properly prepared.There are some exceptions to the statute of limitations. For instance, in the case against Saint Francis Hospital for the sexual abuse by Dr. Reardon, there are a large number of cases that have been filed for victims who were over the age of 48 when they sued. Those suits have been based upon the theories of breach of fiduciary duty and fraudulent concealment of Dr. Reardon's crimes by the hospital. 

Connecticut victims can bring civil actions for injuries arising from childhood sexual abuse suffered until the day before their 48th birthday.

The question of whether the statute should be applied retroactively was answered in the affirmative by the Connecticut Supreme Court inRoberts v. Caton, 224 Conn. 483, 619 A.2d 844 (1993).

In Giordano v. Giordano, 39 Conn. App. 183 (1995), the appellate court held that the statute does not violate either due process or equal protection. The Giordano court also held that latches is not a valid defense to a claim of sexual abuse brought within the statute of limitations.

Connecticut trial courts are applying the special statute of limitations to non-perpetrators applying the Federal District Court's decision inAlmonte v. New York Medical College, 851 F. Supp. 34 (D. Conn. 1994) (Nevas, J.).

ACCORDING TO THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT HAS UNTIL THEIR 48TH BIRTHDAY TO REPORT THE ABUSE. 

Since im 23 and still have not reported my abuse i have about 24 more years if i wanted to press charges on my stepfather for molesting me. I honestly dont want to seek justice because it is not worth it. Its hard to have to say that but in my case it was be very difficult. My mother will not stand by my side on this so i will be alone. The only person who would do so would be my sister. She is the only one in my family who stands by me and supports me. So my point is that even though i have plenty of time i cant see myself doing so. Its funny because i encourage others to speak out and seek justice yet i cant do so myself. I know it sounds wrong but i cant do anything. This is out of my hands. 

Why is it hard to accept being in a safe place?

Why is it hard to accept being in a safe place is a question that most victims have a hard time answering. Not to sound harsh or anything especially being a victim of molestation myself but most victims get use to the abuse and when the time come to seek justice and be saved from it, it becomes difficult to actually stand up and go away and get the protection you need. Forgive  me if im wrong but for me I find it hard to move out aftering growing up with the one who abused me. I just moved out and i know i am safe here but at times it feels weird to actually be away. I am not used to having a safe home and having support from people who actually believe me and want to help me. Im grateful that I had the courage and strength to stand up and get away. But it took me til now to move out and im 23. Its hard to break out of that situation especially when you dont have the support from your mom if the one who is harming you is your father or stepfather. In my situation it was my stepfather who hurt me and my mom never did anything about it or believed it. Even though i had said in previous post that i never told my mom well honestly i havent told her fully about everything that had happened. I tried at one point to say something but she just shut me up and turned away and stuck by her man. Some my say that mothers will aways have their children side but that is not true. That is part of the reason to why its hard to accept a safe home because our mothers are suppose to protect us from harm and not allow danger to come near us. But in my case it didnt happen. My mom stuck by her man and til this day she is still with him. And i posted previous i never had the courage to seek justice. Since i was in the state of connecticut according to a link i found on the statute of limitations residents of that state has until their 48th birthday to report the abuse. So i still have time if i really wanted to. But like i posted before the way i sought justice was by moving out and not allowing that man to have control of my life. So i now have accepted my safe home which is at my sisters home. I feel place and my mind is at ease. I have been able to sleep better and the emotions nor flashbacks have not bothered me since i been here. So i encourage those who have read my blog or are interested in my blog who struggle with this issue please accept being in a safe place. No one can cause you harm. You will feel the freedom. You will be able to live in peace and not have to worry about someone walking into your room in the middle of the night. Trust me.