Thursday, July 21, 2011

The true reason why I wont nor why I couldnt seek justice

Those who are following my blog who have fully read my story knows that I havent sought justice for being molested by my stepdad and uncle. The true reason is 1) i was really scared and had no one to talk to about it. 2) My mother didnt believe me the first time it happen so i never told her about the second time. 3)Finally i waited over ten years to start speaking out about which was the beginning of this year. I couldnt seek justice because I didnt have anyone to help me through the process. Now that i am older and i had looked up the statute of limitation for the state of connecticut i have until my 48th birthday to report the abuse. Even if i wanted to i cant. The fact of the matter is that my mother is still my stepdad regardless of what happen. She sticks by his side no matter what and if i tried to tell her what happen she wouldnt believe me. I had tried to tell her many times, well not all the details, she just shut me up and made me apologize to him. It was sickening. Since i started speaking out through twitter, joyful heart foundation facebook page, and experience project i have had people reach out to me and ask for my help. I encourage them to seek help. I tell them my story and explain why i couldnt. As much as it may sound contradicting, its not. I say to seek justice because i dont want anyone to make the same mistakes i had made and had to deal with the emotions that came after. All the flashbacks, memories, painful emotions. The reason i cant tell my mother fully is because she now suffers from heart problems and if i tried to tell her i dont want to be the blame for her illness or something much worse. I cant put her through that. I choose to continue to carry this burden. I have forgiven him but im so disgusted. I hated having to live at home and walk by him like nothing has happen. I smile on the outside but on the inside i am suffering and screaming yet no one can hear me. SO I continue to encourage others to please dont make the same mistake i did. I think to myself at times and wonder maybe i can still go through the court process but for what. I cant. But you still can. Dont give up. Seek justice. Its late for me but theres still time for you. I just thank the joyful heart foundation and their amazing president and founder Mariska Hargitay because they are incredible. Mariska is not only a face on a cause but she is truly involved with the victims. Her role on the show as Det. Olivia Benson has a huge role in my speaking out. She gave me courage and helped me realize that its not my fault no matter how it happen. Mariska is awesome and i would love to meet her one day. She is one of my reason why im pursueing career in Psychology to become a counselor for women like myself as well as child/teens. Ive always wanted to do this. This has been a passion but with Law and Order svu and Mariska,, they have helped me truly seek my goal.

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