Monday, July 18, 2011

Many whys??? Hows? Whos? Whats?

Since i have been speaking out about my abuse its been pretty hard. I look back and think why couldnt i talk to anyone about it. Why did i have to have a mother who stuck by the man who abused her daughter. Why? Why wasnt i protected? Who was going to save me? If my mother couldnt or wouldnt protect me who would? These are questions i struggle with sometimes and it really hurts. What mother in the right mind will allow her husband to molest her daughter and not do anything about it. It hurts to have to live with that. There has been many many times i tried to tell her about it but she told me to shut up and stop lieing. That hurts. Why does parents tell their children they never wanted them or wishes they were never born? That happen to me. My mother told me all growing up she never wanted me. How can you say that? So many times hearing that i began to believe that she never loved me and i always felt like black sheep of the family. I began believing that i must be a horrible child/daughter for her to tell me that. Who says things like that to their children?Who? Why? What have i done? What if i was born into another family? Would I still had to endure all this pain? Would it have been easier? Would it have been worse? Would I have been truly loved? So many questions not enough answers. Growing up i have always believed that what had happen to me wasnt such a big deal. I didnt know bad touch/good touch. My mom never taught. I found out on my own when it happen and i felt uneased about it. I was never taught. I always thought it was ok for my stepdad to touch me a cetain way because he raised me my who life. Im almost 24. Its took me over ten years to finally speak out and realize what i went through was bad and it shouldnt be permitted. Its not appropriate for a father, stepdad, uncle whoever it is to touch you inappropriately. I just realized that. Its hard to have to endure so much pain and have to continue to suffer in silence. I may have had courage to speak out online to the joyful heart foundation but i dont have the courage to have to speak out pubically and seek justice the right way. I found my own justice by taking a stand and speaking out online and offering my help to those who need it who never had someone to talk to. I found my justice when i decided to finally move out the house where i was being abuse. I spoke out. Its hard to have to still put on a fake smile when im around my stepdad and uncle who molested as well as my mom for not doing anything about it. I hated having to walk around the house as if nothing has happen to me when inside i am screaming for help. So my point is this. Even though there are so m any questions floating around in your mind there is only one answer. YOU SURVIVED!!!!NO LONGER A VICTIM!!!!

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