Saturday, June 11, 2011

my abuse has control of me

for a long time ever since i was molested i would wear certain clothes since i was still living at home with my one of the abusers. i was always covering up. in the summer time i was wear long pants or capris never shorts. even in the house it would be hot but i would never wear shorts. others things are when people touch me i tend to twitch. i dont like being touch especially by men. in some ways i do in others i dont. even when family hugs me or such i feel uncomfortable. now that im away from my home where my abuser still lives and i know im safe with my sister now i still cant break out of that habit of always covering up. i try to not be that way but its hard because of the simple fact that i lived in the house of my abuser who i call my stepfather. i hate that its taking me long to break free from him. i know i only started speaking out about it just the beginning of the year but its really hard. now that i chose to live with my sister its still going to take me a while to break out of my old habits and be comfortable with the way i look and the way i dress. my sister told me something interesting. she said that im allowing him to have control of me because i wouldnt wear certain things around him. even though she a point in some ways how do you expect me to wear shorts or tanks tops around the man who molested me when i was like 12 or so. i cant do that. its uncomfortable. im trying to break free from that and everything but its really hard. even when my dear and beautiful friend teri posted something on her blog not to long ago about sexual assault having control or something similiar it helped me realize that i should allow my abuse or abuser have that control of me. but in some parts i still do. but im not giving up. im holding my head up high and trying not to give up


  1. like i told you when you responded to my blog, sweetie, i still struggle with body image and the idea that somehow i'm going to dress some way or other and give "the wrong message." it's a lie, but it's one we have to work through. rape/molestation steals so much from us, including our body image and we believe lies that we are responsible and have to hide behind jeans and sweatshirts, instead of celebrate our physical beauty. i shared my poem, and i mean every word, but remember, love, that doesn't mean i have conquered every demon. love you sweets ;O)

  2. thank you. i try not to be like that. now that im with my sister she tells me i dont have to keep hiding because i am safe with her. but its hard to break out of that habit.