Survivor story... (anonymous)

This story is from someone who has reached out to me and needed help to speak. We both hope that through her story you can all have courage to speak out and seek help. This is a conversation we had via email. Just showing her side.
Here i go.

" Hi i would love to speak out but i just cant. The thing is I had and emotional breakdown a few years ago and since then I have not spoke at all to any one. I don't have any close friends either because no one likes me because I don't talk. So I don't know what to do? I havent gotten any urges to hurt my self. I just sit and cry as a response to the other questions about hurting myself. I can't tell anyone though because I can't talk. I don't want to tell them it's my fault. It was my fault. I'm worthless and no one will ever love me. My mum hits me and kicked me out my house. My stepdad is an alcoholic my mum is terminally Ill and she says it is my fault she is ill. I was mentally abused be my grandparents. I have no one! I sometimes think I might as well be dead. :( I am worthless why doesn't my mum want me? She kept my sister :( I don't know if I have done something wrong my grades are perfect A* s in everything. I just cry all the time I was raped a few months ago and I Dare not tell anyone. Your the first person. Promise not to tell. I can't keep going like this. I am worthless it's true you have to believe me. It's my fault. Who is there else to blame I was the one who let it happen to me. I am the one who deserves it I am a bad child. I cry myself to sleep and when I wake up i cry my pillows are literally drenched I just can't stop crying I keep having flashbacks and I can't get rid of them. I dream about it i don't know how to stop it. Every time I close my eyes he is there. I sleep with the light on. Why am I so scared I used to be so brave and beautiful now I'm a mess inside and out. He beat me till I passed out. I woke up in hospital. My eyes so swollen I couldn't see internal bleeding my skull cracked the doctors said I was lucky to be alive. I didn't go to the police. I woke up with no one sitting at my bedside my mum didn't care. I just feel an inconvenience to her. I also did something stupid and I tried to hang myself I prayed to god that I was sorry. But I couldn't cope I'm sorry I feel like a burden to you. You don't have to write back by the way I would understand remember I don't talk so no one normal speaks to me anyway. When will the nightmares end? They are so bad I just scream and cry sometimes I even wake up on the floor next to my bed! It's awful. He knows me! He wrote me a card and sent it to me after he attacked me! Saying get well soon! The sick thing is it means he was near me while I was out cold after my op :s it really scares me! Was you ever sick because of what happened i keep throwing up every time I think of it is this normal? I have lost so much weight I have no idea why? Can I tell you the full story of my rape it may help me get it off my chest please I just need some advise. It happened 1 month 6 days  on a Tuesday at 4:52 I was walking home from school it is a long bus journey from my school to my house when I got off the bus I started walking down the road when a van pulled up beside me and asked for directions but I don't speak so he thought I was being rude and then he realized that I dont speak and then next thingni know someone grabs me off the side walk and shoves me in the back of the van I try and scream and he punches me in the face he had broke my jaw then he starts to take off all my clothes and yells at me to do things I begged and prayed he wouldn't stop he layer on top of me so I couldn't breath as I am only small I'm just 5 ft he was at least 6.5 I tried to move and he AMA he's my head on the van floor by this time I was out cold. I thought I was going to die next thing I know I woke up in hospital where I had bruises every where and he had carved in my back the word "mute" he was awful I am so ashamed. You have to believe me It was my fault I should have carried on walking and ignored him :'( you are the first person I have ever told my story too. I feel so disgusted and dirty. Can you promise me that it is not my fault? Maybe it's a punishment for not being good enough? Why does it feel like my fault? Why does my heart hurt so much?  Smart? Beautiful? Brave haha I don't think so... Haha.  How do you know i am beautiful? I feel so ugly. Inside and out. :(  I am a survivor and I can move on with my life. Do you think I should have gone to the police? You know when it had happened? Was I stupid not to? I keep thinking I see the man who attacked me all the. Time is this normal I keep seeing the same van over and over is it just my imagination? I can't get help, I'm to messed up and I can't physically talk. I need to run. It will solve things he won't find me! And I can't take a walk because it is midnight here and my ankle is wrecked. Im scared. I hurt everywhere. I'm so sorry. I truly am. I did something really stupid. God will never forgive me!! I cut myself and worse. I tried to hang my self. Please don't say anything I'm so ashamed! I can't cope any more. He found me and raped me again he will come back! I can't eat I can't seep I can't even shower! I CBS tho to the police i am just going to have to live with it. Maybe I am just one of those people that is meant to suffer? Don't cry because of me, I'm strong, tough as old boots as we like to say In England. I'm nothing special, I'm quite worthless to be honest, so don't cry, I'll be fine. I will just have to deal with it. He will keep raping me but it kind of doesn't hurt any more. I just have to stop fighting he said then he won't hurt me. 

This kept on for a while the emails. Sorry not going to go through all the emails for privacy reasons but what happen was that she finally was able to get out of that house where she was being raped and into the foster care system where she was placed in a good home. The reason for her story is the show you all that no matter how long you have suffered or how you have suffered, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You can survive the worse things that have happened to you and live a good life no matter what. I hope you are encouraged by this story. SPEAK OUT AND SEEK HELP. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE STRONG. WE ARE SURVIVORS. NO MORE VICTIMS NO MORE SILENCE!!!!!!!

I also wanted to add to this that what ever this girl has been through was NOT HER FAULT!!!! So who ever thinks that i am telling you do not post any negative comments on my blog. I will delete your comments and will report it. None of what we have suffered is our faults. We didnt ask for this. SO dont you dare say its her fault or our fault. We were victims. So don't you dare say it is.!!!!!!!!!!!