Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Contradicting myself........

I know I encourage others to speak out against the abuse they have endured and seek justice even though I have not done so myself. I have explain myself several times throughout my blog but i will again explain why i have not nor will i seek justice for what happened to me. The reason(s) why i have not sought out justice is because 1) I have not told my mother her husband has molested me for a few years and 2) Because she has a heart condition and i don't want the guilt to fall on me if anything happens to her. The reason I did not tell her is because when I tried to tell her about the time her own brother molested me she did not believe me. So if she didn't believe me then why would she believe me about her husband even though at one point his own family told my mother not to marry him because he had a record of molesting his previous relationships daughters but she still married him. My mother has a heart problem now. She cant be under alot of stress. If i were to tell her now that he had molested me she would be hurt because she loves him to much and/or she would become very angry and want to hurt him. Then she could end up in the hospital and if something bad happens to her I wouldn't forgive myself. I may not have an extremely close relation with my mom but I couldn't do that to her. There has been many times where i wanted to tell her but she would either shut me up or i just couldnt work up the nerve to tell her. I have come to a point where i am realizing i am doing myself damage by not letting her know. I am healing from it but the fact i don't have her support hurts. A mother is suppose to protect her child and not let anyone harm their child. She is not suppose to walk away and not do anything. I wish i had someone when all of this was happening to me so i can do more about it. But i didn't. I had kept silent for over 10yrs. But i have spoken out this year and it feel great to finally find a way to speak out. I have found great survivors on the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook fan page. Mariska Hargitay is the founder and president of the foundation. She has helped so many. She is amazing. She is an inspirational person. But the point i am trying to make is dont wait until so long to speak out and get help. That was my problem. Although i still havent gotten the full help that i may need but the way i find true healing is when i am helping someone else who is going through the same thing get the help they need. Please help me and join me and sharing my voice and story and lets stand up against abuse and speak out for justice.

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