Friday, November 18, 2011


"You survived the abuse, You'll survive the recovery"
These were the last words spoken from Det. Benson (Mariska Hargitay) in Law and Order Svu this week. Those words really touched me. The whole episode touched me and in some ways made me cringe. I know what its like to not have anyone believe your story. My uncle molested me around the age of 12 or so. I was also molested by my stepfather around a younger age til i was around 14. Like i said in previous post i never told me mother because she didn't believe it when it happened to my older sister. She was also molested by our stepfather. So i never told my mother that he did the same to me. The reason why i am using those words from the show is because at one point i thought i was not going to make it. When i started speaking out this years the emotions and memories became so unbearable. I couldn't sleep or anything. I would cry myself to sleep. I started cutting myself again. I got to a point where i would lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Then i would get  the urge to do the worse thing possible. I stared at the bathroom medicine cabinet and stare at my moms heart medicine. The emotions took control and i wanted to just overdose on those pills. I didn't care anymore. I had no one. No one cared about me. My real dad was and still is not in good terms with me nor in speaking terms because of others things that occurred. Anyway it was really hard to be home at that time. And the thing was that i was living at home with my abuser because my mother didn't want to except that he would do such a thing. I started healing when i started speaking out on the Joyful Heart Foundation which is again created by Mariska Hargitay. I found support there as well as twitter and other sexual assault survivor groups and such. When i moved out of my moms and his house and into my sisters i was able to sleep alot better. My stress went down. My emotions were becoming more controlled. My memories at times faded. Not completely. I still have triggers and flashbacks but not as bad as when i was still at home.
So what i am trying to say is that even though things may seem so hard, in the end the recovery is so worth it. We can gain our lives back. We don't have to keep allowing our abusers to have control over us. Once you speak out, its out in the open. Our abusers cant do anything about it. The are now no longer in control of us. We need to stand strong together and be there. I am here to give you a voice and to encourage you to continue and seek help. You can do it. You not alone. I will be here every step of the way. Like i said before and i continue to say, even though i myself have not sought justice i encourage you to do so. My time is over. I cant do anything now. All i can do is speak out and make sure that he knows he CAN NOT CONTROL ME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can do the same.

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