Saturday, April 30, 2011

Again i will say that i wont let what happened to me define who i am and who i will be in the future. Im not ashamed to say any more that im a survivor of sexual assault. What happen was bad and i deserve to get the healing i need and to get to a place where i can say i was molested and not let the emotions and the pain from that consume me and take control over my life. I have let it for a while take control but not any more. I thank god i have friends who support me and want to help me and want me to get better. Even though at times i feel weak and want to give up i some how find a little strength to hold on a bit longer. Thats all we need to do. Is just hold on just a bit longer and we can make it out of this. i believe that i am stronger every day i choose to speak out and not remain silent. i will become stronger and stronger.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Dont wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self confident and more and more successful. ~ mark victor hansen

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Well as i said before i held in the fact that i was sexually abused for tens yrs. Since i started speaking out about it its been really hard. I have breakdowns. I still have flashbacks and it doesnt help that i still live at home with my mom and stepdad who was one of the abusers. Its hard. The fact that i have a mother who chose her husband over her daughter. It hurts so bad. I cry every night because of it. But going back to me speaking out. Some times i regret speaking out. If i can hold it in for ten yrs, then holding it in a little longer would be an issue. But then i think if im having breakdowns and flashbacks by talking about, imagine how would i be feeling if i didnt speak out about it. I look back at that and see that i would be so emotional and heart broken and I would be doing so much self damage. Even though i still have bad nights with flashbacks and break downs at least i know i took that first step and spoke out. Im so thankful that i met other survivor who encourage me and help me when i fall

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Anyone can give up. Its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength.~anonymous. what do you think this quote means? well to me its means that you dont always have to put up a front. its ok the be vulnerable. its ok to break down every once in a while. doesnt mean your anyless strong than anyone else. it shows your human and you have emotions. so how can we define this quote to those of sexual assault. well it would be the same. your not alone in this world. there are so many other women who are or were victims of sexual assault. but chose to speak out against it. even though the journey is hard when you do take that step its all worth it in the end. so choose to speak out as much as it may be painful. its better than holding it in and dealing with the flashbacks and memories. i still have them but at least i know now that im no LONGER tamed by them. the memories will BE there but i choose to not let them define me.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Dont Stop!

Dont stop speaking out against sexual assault just because this month is over which is the month for sexual assault awareness. This is an issue that should be talked about year round, not just for this month. I have started speaking out about my abuse about 4 months ago. Before then i held everything in for 10yrs. It was very hard at first to SPEAK out because of the fear that no one will believe me. Which is still there and also very true. I only spoke out to close friends from my church and friends i met on the Joyful Heart Foundation facebook page. By speaking and sharing my story with them, they gave me the courage to speak out and continue to share my story. I want to continue to share my story and help other as well to come forward and share. Again i will say WE ARE NO LONGER VICTIM!! WE'RE SURVIVORS!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

speak out

I just want to say thank you to Mariska Hargitay, the joyful HEART foundation and the survivors i met through the joyful heart facebook page for giving me the strength and courage the speak out. By sharing my story with others survivors shows me im not alone and that even though i was molested and almost raped what i went through is still traumatic and i still deserve to get that healing. Ive said it before that im 23 and it took me ten yrs to speak out about my abuse. Through those ten yrs it was very hard. I was depressed. I wouldnt eat and put myself on a starvation diet which didnt work. I was getting bullied in school and just couldnt take it anymore that i became suicidal. After a while i started cutting myself. Even now at time when i get flashbacks or just when im having a rough time ill try to cut myself again but what does that really do? Nothing really. Stops what your feeling for a second but thats it. Your pain is still there. So i encourage you all to speak out. Its not worth holding it all in.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Im going to start off by saying that no one in my family knows anything about my abuse. Not even my mother. She refuses to believe anything or that her husband is capable of molesting. So with that said im feeling down because im 23 yet my mom treats me like an out of control teen because, im not proud to say this, but Ive messed around with guys (sex wise). i understand i lost her trust because i told her ill be careful and not fool around. its my fault and i deserve that. but the things is that it doesnt click in her head that maybe something happened to me to cause me to act the way i do when im in a relationship or when i just meet a guy. i know that because of what i went through when i was younger had an affect. i attach myself to these guys and try hard to not lose them which goes back to the way i would act with them. trying hard not to get involve with anyone until i have fully healed and can be able to be with someone and not be afraid that im going to lose them or they hurt me. make sense?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

no longer a victim

I am no longer a victim but a survivor. I am not ashamed of what happened to me nor will i let it identify who i am. A survivor. I have chosen to take the journey and steps to heal from it. I have chosen to speak out and use my voice to help end sexual assault. I want you all to know that no matter what any one says we are all survivors. Its not our faults either. We can not keep giving ourselves this pity party and blame ourselves. By doing that we are letting our abusers to win. We cant let our abusers win. We need to take a stand and make a choice and say "we are no longer victims but SURVIVORS!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Ok my story is that i was molested by two different family members. For a long time Ive felt like what happened to me isnt bad compared to what happen to other women. Some women were raped. Thats worse! But after talking to some friend and other women who relate to me they made me realize that its still bad. Rather you were molested or raped its still something horrible and shouldnt be kept silent. So talk to someone about it. Someone you trust. Someone who wont judge you or put you down. Someone who will lend a hand and be a shoulder to cry on. Speak out. Just by being a voice you can help someone else who is afraid to speak and share what happened to them. By speaking out you can save someone's life.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


Courage doesnt always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "i will try again tomorrow" ~ mary anne radmacher

Thursday, April 14, 2011

the stranger i knew

The stranger i knew was a family member. Always treated me kind and showed alot of love towards me. But i didnt know that the love he showed would deceive me. He made me feel like a prisoner. He brought me to a dark and dreary place. A place only seen in a nightmare. The way he touched me paralyzed me and made it difficult to escape. He made me feel like a helpless child without a mother. His lips touched mine as if there was some type of magnetic force pulling us together. I wanted to scream for help but i couldnt allow myself to do so. He stayed close to me as if he was protecting me from harm. But he was the one harming me. I allowed everything to go on for weeks because i was trembling from fear. In the end the stranger i knew was my uncle ~ original poem by myself.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Watching the show law and order svu i learned that alot of victims of sexual assault who dont come out and speak turn to drug and alcohol abuse to ease the pain and forget the memories of what happened. Even though i just started speaking out i never turned to those things. I did start smoking cigarettes and i started to get involved with guys. When i was with them i would become so attach right away and try everything in my power for them not to leave me. But i still ended up hurt by them. I honestly didnt know that had anything to do with what happened to me until i started speaking out. Its hard. You try to fill that emptiness with love for that guy that you dont care who he is or who you get it from. But now i realize that i cant keep putting myself through that pain. I choose to speak out. Even though i havent confronted my abuser about what he did since my mom is still with him. But i try everyday to forget all the hurt i was put through. I am stronger everyday that i choose to speak out.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

'courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose ~ tom krause

Friday, April 8, 2011


Ever since i started speaking out about being sexually assaulted i have been having breakdowns meltdowns or whatever you want to call it. I have been crying at night which is when the memories have been worse. I try to think about other things to overcome the other memories. At time its hard and may not work but then other nights its ok. So if im having this much issues and a hard time since i started talking about it, how much more harder is it for those who have not spoken out. Think about it. Try to find someone you trust and release everything you have been holding inside to them. Dont make the mistake in waiting til its too late. Its harder to wait then to just speak. I encourage you to speak out.
The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend they can go on and on ~anonymous

Thursday, April 7, 2011

" you cant go through life thinking that everyone you meet will someday let you down." this is a quote i heard somewhere and thought its a good way to encourage someone and yourself. rather you have been sexually assaulted or not its something we should live by. yes we have to keep a guard up at time especially if we have been sexually assaulted but again we need to give someone a chance to mend our lives and our hearts. we cant keep living in that fear where we are going to get hurt again. it sucks trust me. its hard getting close to people. but as i keep saying we got to take a stand and speak out and say no more, enough is enough.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I know its a scary thought to speak out about being sexually assaulted. Trust me it took me ten yrs to speak out and im 23. The fear of people not believe you, blaming you, overwhelms you. The emotions take control over your life. Dont let that fear consume you. Find that person you are close to and speak to them. Like i said before im still in the process of healing and getting used to talking to people about my abuse. Its hard at first but after you let it out it gets better. It does take time. Im on that same journey. Take a stand and speak out. Dont be afraid.
What do you do when the person who is always suppose to take care of you and always have your side doesnt believe you? Well there really isnt anything we can do but just stay strong and know that what happened to us did in fact happen. Again i say find someone or some place where people can relate to what you been through and will believe you. We have to stick together and take a stand. It sucks when no one believes you. Trust me. Im at that place myself. But i know what i been through and i thank GOD i found groups that i have support from and found great friends from those groups as well. as well as friends from church. Once you find those people break the silence and speak out to them. Dont be afraid of what people will say or think about you. Its not our faults. We may feel ashamed and disgusted. And its natural to feel that way. But we cant let those feeling have control on our lives. We will never be able to move forward and be set free. Take a stand and SPEAK!

no.silence: mariska hargitay

no.silence: mariska hargitay: "Mariska is an advocate for sexual assault victims. She is the founder and president of the joyful heart foundation which is to empower women..."

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The hardest part of being sexual assaulted and sexually abused is not having any one believe you. Especially those closest to YOU. They stay in denial and are blinded. But what we need to do is find those who believe us and stick together. We cant let those who dont believe us keep us down. We need to remain strong. We need to take a stand and say enough is enough. No more victims but strong survivors.

mariska hargitay

Mariska is an advocate for sexual assault victims. She is the founder and president of the joyful heart foundation which is to empower women of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse. She is known for her character olivia benson on law and order svu. She is my inspiration and role model. She is such a generous person. Very humble and caring. She is truly involved with her foundation. She is not just a face on a cause but embraces it. I think she is someone who should be admire during this month of april and just in general. She is truly compassionate about what she does. She has such a huge heart and i as a victim of sexual assault is truly grateful for her action in empowering women. Please follow her on twitter and the joyful heart foundation. Help her and the foundation end the backlog on untested rape kits. Get involved in her foundation. I have nothing to do with that. Im just a voice sharing information and helping to end the silence and help those to speak out.
The healing process is a journey if you ARE willing to take the risks and go through the challenges. I know it can be rough since i myself is going through that journey. Some days can be better than others but we can do. The first step is to speak out to someone you trust. Then learn how to forgive that person who cause you harm. Then your healing process can begin. It will be hard but you can do it. Find people who you can trust and who can support you. Find groups online or in your communities. Again i myself am looking into counseling. So i encourage others to take that first step and speak out. We cant let those who harm us have the last say. I want to help be a voice. Although im in the process of healing myself and may not be in much conditions to help as much as i can but im here to encourage and share my story and my journey to be completely healed.


For a long time i have let the emotions of my abuse have control of my life. At times i blamed myself. At night i would cry myself to sleep because i just couldnt deal with everything. The fact no one in my family believed me even til this day. Nights would be so bad that i had bad thoughts. The feelings became so overwhelming. Even though i didnt have my family support i had my friends from church and others on my side. They helped me get through the roughest nights. I realized that its not my fault and i needed to stop blaming myself. Things like this isnt our faults. Its just something that happens. But i chose not to keep letting all those thoughts and emotions keep me down. By keeping silent were letting those who harmed us win. No more silence. I took a stand to speak out. Thanks to all the groups i found such as the joyful heart foundation by my favorite actress and role model Mariska Hargitay. Shes such an amazing person. The fact she took something on this way is truly amazing. Which gets to my point

Monday, April 4, 2011


Im a survivor of sexual assault but will no longer remain silent nor a victim. I decided to speak out and i hope every woman including teens can have the courage to step out and make a stand.
Created this blog since i just started speaking out on being sexual assaulted. I want to give those a voice to express themselves without feeling scared or ashamed