Stand up with me!!!!!!

Through my journey to recovery from sexual abuse, through my blog and my twitter account i plan on using my voice to help shed light on the issue of silence of abuse. Like ive said plenty of times through my previous post i was silent for over 10 yrs. I have gotten so much support from all of you who are following me here on my blog and on both my twitter accounts @taracl87 and @silence_no. I am thankful for you all and i hope that through my blog and tweets you are also encourage to do the same and speak out against abuse and use your voice to help end this pain and crime. So many people out there who do no have anyone to talk to about their abuse because they are told to remain silent no only through the abuser but by family members. Not all of us have the luxury to say that our parents have our backs or are supporting us. In my case i have a mother who refuses to hear the truth about her husband who molested her two daughters. She didnt believe my sister so i never told her about myself. That is why i was silent for so longer. I refuse to stay silent. No longer will i allow my silence to keep control over me. All it is doing is making me suffer and relive that those days where i was  molested. I do not want to keep reliving the memories or flashbacks. Thats is why i spoke out this year. It may have been online but at least my story is out there. I know that through my story i can help someone. Well at least i hope. I may not understand how it is to be raped. I was just molested but its still a crime. I felt i was being raped because of what my stepdad did to me when he pinned me against the wall. It was horrible.

What i am trying to say by this is that i am here using my voice and story to help others speak out. I want to help end this abuse and end the silence. I want us all to STAND UP TOGETHER!!! I want us to FIGHT THIS FIGHT TOGETHER!!!! Together we can end this one step at a time. All it takes is for a bunch of us rather your a survivor or support to stand up and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! WE WILL NOT TAKE THIS ABUSE NO MORE. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SPEAK OUT. Rather its someone you trust or online, share your voice, share your story. Please lets help each other out and bring justice to those who cant like myself. NO MORE SILENCE!!! NO MORE VICTIMS. WE ARE BREAKING THE SILENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I spoke out and it should matter.

Well as some of you know here and on twitter i was thinking about telling my mo about my abuse from my stepfather. I was going to tell her because 1) i felt i needed to tell her. I felt it was a weight on my shoulders and 2) i felt like i owe it to my followers who look up to me and ask me for help on speaking out. I do not want to look like a hypocrite for telling others to seek justice if I havent done so myself. You have to understand how hard it is for me to speak to my mom about my abuse. I do plan on telling her but not the way i was thinking on doing it. I cant just spring it her. She has a bad heart. She cant be going through any stress because she can have a heart attack. So i was weighing my options to see which is the best way to tell her if i did decide i will go through it. The choice i came up with is this, my mom would sometimes ask me if my stepfather has ever gotten fresh with me or touched me and i would tell her no because i was afraid of telling her the truth. So i decided that if she did ask me again, i will try and have enough courage to tell her the truth. But until then i cant tell her. I cant risk hurting her. I would bare having that blame on me.. So i will wait until the right time to speak to her but for now I SPOKE OUT ONLINE AND THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. AS LONG AS WE HAVE SPOKEN OUT ABOUT OUR ABUSE, IT SHOULD MATTER THE FORM WE DO IT. WE ARE STILL SPREADING THE WORD OUT THAT WE WERE ABUSED. OUR ABUSERS HAVE NO SAY ANYMORE. THEY CANT HARM US. THEY CANT TOUCH US. NO LONGER ARE WE SILENT. THE MINUTE WE CHOSE TO SPEAK OUT IS THE MINUTE WE DECIDED TO END THE SILENCE. TOGETHER WE ARE BREAKING THE SILENCE. NO MORE VICTIMS. NO MORE SILENCE.

I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.........

As you have read my story on here before you will see that i was molested twice by two family members, my uncle and my stepdad. Both lasted a while but with my stepfather it lasted a lot longer than with my uncle. I have a point i want to make. Someone on my twitter account who no longer follows me told me i don't understand her because i wasn't raped. Maybe i don't understand what its like being raped but when my stepfather was holding me against the wall and moving his body back and forth i felt like i was raped. So in ways i do understand how you feel...........................

I know what its like to be afraid and not being able to tell anyone.
I know how it to have to deal with feeling guilty, like it was all your fault.
I know how it feels when you don't have anyone believe you or refuses to hear the truth.
I know what its like wanted to KILL YOURSELF over it.
I know how it is to cut yourself.

I can keep going down the list but you get what i am trying to say here. I understand how you feel. I still deal with the emotions simply because I had remain silent for 10+ years. I never had anyone to talk to besides my sister but because she was also molested by our stepfather i dared not tell her because i did not want to be a burden on her shoulders. But the fact of the matter is that i could have told her and maybe i would not felt like i was online in this. For a while i felt alone. It wasn't until i joined twitter for Mariska Hargitay and saw that she had a foundation (Joyful Heart) that educated and empowered women of sexual abuse, child abuse and domestic violence, and met other survivors who helped encourage me to speak out so i did. Thank to one known as Teri Lynn Hatcher (Not the real actress), she helped me out alot and i am thankful to have met her. 

So the reason for this post is to show you 1) i felt like no one would understand and 2) show you that i now know that there are others like me and i do understand how you feel. We are SURVIVORS. NO MORE VICTIMS. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. LETS STAND STRONG AND HOLD EACH OTHER UP!!!

I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE AND SPEAKING OUT!!!!

I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE AND SPEAKING OUT is my daily tweet that i use when i am on my twitter to help end the silence against abuse and to help shed light on this issue. Through my blog i am using my voice to end the silence. I spoke out the beginning of this year and i only started speaking out online. I have not spoke out publically to my mother or anything like that because of what i wrote in my previous posts. The reason i create my blog is to help others speak out and to give others a voice. I know there are many out there who need a voice and i chose to be that voice. I am breaking my silence and if by chance any one in my family sees this and it gets back to my mom its ok. Someday when its right i will tell her the truth but as of now i cant. But that besides the point. I want to help others get the justice they deserve. I did deserve justice when i was first molested about 10+yrs ago. But as a child you are afraid to say anything to your mom especially when it is her husband who is molesting you. How as a child do you have courage to speak out to your mom or just anyone you trust? Its hard. Some do not have that courage. I didn't. In ways i still do not have courage to tell her her husband abused me and im 24 yrs old. I'm originally from the state of Connecticut and according to some research i did online, the statute of limitations is that you have until your 48th birthday to report the abuse that occurred. I'm not sure how accurate that is but if that is the case i still can. But the choice is still mine and if i did have the opportunity then i will seek justice. But as of now i am encouraging others to seek the help they need. Do not make the same mistake as I. I know its a scary thought to speak out about abuse. I know its hard and its something you really need to be courageous about but in the end you will feel a lot better. I know it seems pointless sometime because you see shows like Law and Order SVU and sometime the victims do not get the justice but the fact that you spoke out pubically and expose that person as a rapist or molester is a great thing. If you are familiar with the actress Mariska Hargitay from the show SVU her character Det. Olivia Benson said this to the victims, " TRUE HEALING COMES WHEN YOU BEAR WITNESS!" Well i believe those are the words she used. Its a true statement. Please do not be discouraged but if there is a point where that would happen be very proud of yourself for speaking out and getting help.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK. YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO SPEAK OUT. DO NOT BE AFRAID. I UNDERSTAND IT IS DIFFICULT. LOOK AT HOW LONG IT TOOK ME. I KNOW ITS SCARY. I KNOW HOW IT IS TO FEEL LIKE NO ONE WILL BELIEVE BUT GUESS WHAT!! I BELIEVE YOU. I SUPPORT YOU. I WILL BE HERE WITH AND FOR YOU. I AM YOUR VOICE. LETS FIGHT THIS FIGHT TOGETHER. LETS BREAK THE SILENCE. WE ARE FREE. WE CAN HEAL TOGETHER!!!

I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE AND SPEAKING OUT. NO LONGER WILL I ALLOW MY ABUSERS TO CONTROL ME. I AM BREAKING THE SILENCE NOW!!!!! NO MORE VICTIMS!!!!!! NO MORE SILENCE!!!!!!!

Open Eyes Open Arns

This is a website that i have shared my story on as well. They are an organization that helps victims. Please help and support them. Thank you.

Open Eyes Open Arms is a web-based non-profit organization formed to combat the issue of sexual and domestic violence young women face in our nation. We open our arms to the women these types of crimes affect, and open the eyes of the world to the many faces of victims of the abuse. We want to help women realize their own self-worth, as well as the importance of caring for their mind, body and soul. It is vital for the young women in our society to learn their worth, as this will empower them to overcome any obstacle in life. Open Eyes Open Arms is a safe haven for women to share, learn and grow; a place where they can be rest assured they are not alone. GIVE SOME HOLIDAY HOME. This Season Open Eyes Open Arms are raising money to purchase clothing and gift items, as well as to fund future projects for Open Eyes, Open Arms. At any trauma center, after a survivor goes through a rape exam they must surrender their clothing as evidence. This Christmas we will be raising money to purchase a variety of clothing in all sizes for survivors. We will also be purchasing comforting gifts, e.g. teddy bears, to give to survivors of all ages so they can leave the trauma center feeling they have something to hold on to. Please help provide this crucial support to victims. From a survivor herself, the President and Founder of Open Eyes Open Arms, just wants to give back what she has once received. You can check them out at www.openeyesopenarms.com or follow them on twitter @OpenEOpenA

This is a great site. Support them with me. Follow them on twitter and check out there website. Thank you for supporting them. If your supporting me through my blog, please i ask you to help them as well. Thank you. We need to stick together. Through Open Eyes and myself and all of you we can continue to spread the word and shed light to all other victims.

One of my fears!!!!!

Hey everyone. I know its been days since i last wrote something here. Just been busy with work and school. This will be a short post. Just want to make a point and such.

Anyway i want to talk about one of my fears. Although i know it will not happen nor will i ever allow it to happen, i was afraid that i myself would become an ABUSER. I know it wont happen but there are women who are molested as well. In my opinion its rare when you hear cases that involve women vs child. I know men become abusers because most of them have been abused themselves and most of them do not report it so in ways they in turn start to abuse women and children. I was afraid that i may become one. I do not want to. I want to break that cycle. I am ending it now. I AM BREAKING THE SILENCE AND THE CHAIN OF ABUSE. IT ENDS WITH ME. ITS ENDS WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!! NO LONGER WILL WE ALLOW THIS ABUSE TO OCCUR. WE WILL NOT BECOME ABUSERS OURSELVES. WE ARE STRONGER THAN WE THINK. USE OUR VOICES TO KEEP SEEKING JUSTICE AND SPEAKING OUT. LETS END THE ABUSE!!!! WE WILL BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE. WE WILL NOT ALLOW OUR ABUSERS TO MAKE US FEEL WORTHLESS, UGLY, WEAK, FEARFUL. WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT. WE ARE STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, FEARLESS!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM YOUR VOICE AND I STAND UP FOR ALL OF YOU. IF YOU ARE AFRAID I AM HERE. I WILL SPEAK OUT AGAINST ABUSE FOR YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. NOT NOW NOT EVER!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE FREE!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE SUPPORTED!!!!!!!

My abuser may be my father!!!

As you all know i was molested twice. By an uncle and my stepfather. Well I am going back and telling you another part of my story which will make you think the same question Is my stepfather (abuser) my real father?

I never knew this before. I had just found out recently by my sister. We started joking about it even thoug it was something we shouldnt joke about but in the end, it made me think if it could be true.
Here goes.......

Before i was born, my parents were always fighting and such. I dont remember much about my childhood other then some things that happened and such. When me and my sister were talking she told me that my mom had cheated on my father and missed around with the man who is my stepfather since the age of 2 or 3. I never knew that. Well anyway now that i think about and put all the facts together there could be a connection. The first thing is that my mother didnt know that she was pregnant with me. She didnt find out til she was like 3 or 4 months pregnant. The second thing is that i have a mark on my head on the side and my stepfather has that mark on the exact same spot as i do. I find that crazy and sick. I know there can be a possibility but i do not want to be true. I know i havent fully reacted in a way to tell him that it was wrong what he did nor did i make a scene. But if it ever turned out that he is my father i would die. The fact that he molested my sister and i its sickening. I dont know what i would do with my life. I hope and pray its not true. Im sorry if this offends anyone or causes triggers. I know it must be hard to have a parent who caused you this misery and had another parent who did nothing. I hate the fact that my mom knew he did something to my sister and didnt do anything about it. The thing is that my sister spoke out to her about it. I havent. My fear is that she will blame my sister for putting those thoughts in my head when its not her fault. He did molest me. It felt like he was going to rape me because he kept moving his body back and forth while he pinned me against the wall. I hope this doesnt happen to anyone else. I hope that through this blog who ever reads it will find courage and speak out. Lets end the silence together. No longer will we allow THEM to silence us. Lets speak out together. No more silence.. No more victims...

If i could turn back time......But if i did..........

If i could turn back time i would go back to the time that i was molested and erase it. I hate the fact that i was molested. I hate that i still go through the emotions. I hate triggers. I cant stand feeling this way. I hate having dreams about the abuse. I hate constantly seeing his face in my head.

But..........................

If i did turn back time and erase what happened to me i wouldnt be as strong as i am today. Im not saying that you have to go through something like this or worse to make you stronger but i always thought that if you do experience things like this and get through it, it shows you that you are strong and you survived. You can survive anything. Yes its hard to overcome what you are going through but that doesnt mean you will never get through. You can still make the most of your life. It may not be the way it used to be but you can still continue on. The way i am healing and over coming my abuse is by talking more about it and using my voice to help spread the word on silence of abuse and trying to help others seek help and justice. I stand up for justice and for speaking out. WE can use our voices together to help end this silence of abuse. By using my voice i know that i can help someone overcome their abuse and/or seek help. You can do the same. Just take baby steps. Find someone you fully trust and talk to them about what happen. Then later on find support groups online like The Joyful Heart foundation by Mariska Hargitay and RAINN which has been helping me. I found other survivors who have been very supportive. You can do the same. Maybe even start your own blog. You can heal from this. Whatever it is your going through you can overcome it. Trust me. You will overcome it. It takes time but you are not alone.

Katie' story.

It was 8th grade. I was in our church school. Bullied by our pastor's two boys for two years straight. Name-calling, demeaning, made me feel like a fool, would never amount to anything.... I silently broke down. Cried every day, went to school, put up with the abuse, went home, crying from the pain... I started cutting to deal with all the pain.. stop doing my school work, figured I was a loser anyway, especially since I was told that daily. Abused when it came to P.E. Well, my mom finally found out, & we spoke out, made it worse... People who knew nothing about it, picked sides and blamed me... Was still depressed. Set my record for high school. Went to a different school, same stuff happened... I continued to cut, and hurt myself in other ways, fell way behind in school... Just didn't care.... Tried to take my life several times... Went to therapy... Started getting better. Doing a lot better now, but still have my hard days.

Recovery!

"You survived the abuse, You'll survive the recovery"
These were the last words spoken from Det. Benson (Mariska Hargitay) in Law and Order Svu this week. Those words really touched me. The whole episode touched me and in some ways made me cringe. I know what its like to not have anyone believe your story. My uncle molested me around the age of 12 or so. I was also molested by my stepfather around a younger age til i was around 14. Like i said in previous post i never told me mother because she didn't believe it when it happened to my older sister. She was also molested by our stepfather. So i never told my mother that he did the same to me. The reason why i am using those words from the show is because at one point i thought i was not going to make it. When i started speaking out this years the emotions and memories became so unbearable. I couldn't sleep or anything. I would cry myself to sleep. I started cutting myself again. I got to a point where i would lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Then i would get  the urge to do the worse thing possible. I stared at the bathroom medicine cabinet and stare at my moms heart medicine. The emotions took control and i wanted to just overdose on those pills. I didn't care anymore. I had no one. No one cared about me. My real dad was and still is not in good terms with me nor in speaking terms because of others things that occurred. Anyway it was really hard to be home at that time. And the thing was that i was living at home with my abuser because my mother didn't want to except that he would do such a thing. I started healing when i started speaking out on the Joyful Heart Foundation which is again created by Mariska Hargitay. I found support there as well as twitter and other sexual assault survivor groups and such. When i moved out of my moms and his house and into my sisters i was able to sleep alot better. My stress went down. My emotions were becoming more controlled. My memories at times faded. Not completely. I still have triggers and flashbacks but not as bad as when i was still at home.
So what i am trying to say is that even though things may seem so hard, in the end the recovery is so worth it. We can gain our lives back. We don't have to keep allowing our abusers to have control over us. Once you speak out, its out in the open. Our abusers cant do anything about it. The are now no longer in control of us. We need to stand strong together and be there. I am here to give you a voice and to encourage you to continue and seek help. You can do it. You not alone. I will be here every step of the way. Like i said before and i continue to say, even though i myself have not sought justice i encourage you to do so. My time is over. I cant do anything now. All i can do is speak out and make sure that he knows he CAN NOT CONTROL ME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can do the same.

Survivor story... (anonymous)

This story is from someone who has reached out to me and needed help to speak. We both hope that through her story you can all have courage to speak out and seek help. This is a conversation we had via email. Just showing her side.
Here i go.

" Hi i would love to speak out but i just cant. The thing is I had and emotional breakdown a few years ago and since then I have not spoke at all to any one. I don't have any close friends either because no one likes me because I don't talk. So I don't know what to do? I havent gotten any urges to hurt my self. I just sit and cry as a response to the other questions about hurting myself. I can't tell anyone though because I can't talk. I don't want to tell them it's my fault. It was my fault. I'm worthless and no one will ever love me. My mum hits me and kicked me out my house. My stepdad is an alcoholic my mum is terminally Ill and she says it is my fault she is ill. I was mentally abused be my grandparents. I have no one! I sometimes think I might as well be dead. :( I am worthless why doesn't my mum want me? She kept my sister :( I don't know if I have done something wrong my grades are perfect A* s in everything. I just cry all the time I was raped a few months ago and I Dare not tell anyone. Your the first person. Promise not to tell. I can't keep going like this. I am worthless it's true you have to believe me. It's my fault. Who is there else to blame I was the one who let it happen to me. I am the one who deserves it I am a bad child. I cry myself to sleep and when I wake up i cry my pillows are literally drenched I just can't stop crying I keep having flashbacks and I can't get rid of them. I dream about it i don't know how to stop it. Every time I close my eyes he is there. I sleep with the light on. Why am I so scared I used to be so brave and beautiful now I'm a mess inside and out. He beat me till I passed out. I woke up in hospital. My eyes so swollen I couldn't see internal bleeding my skull cracked the doctors said I was lucky to be alive. I didn't go to the police. I woke up with no one sitting at my bedside my mum didn't care. I just feel an inconvenience to her. I also did something stupid and I tried to hang myself I prayed to god that I was sorry. But I couldn't cope I'm sorry I feel like a burden to you. You don't have to write back by the way I would understand remember I don't talk so no one normal speaks to me anyway. When will the nightmares end? They are so bad I just scream and cry sometimes I even wake up on the floor next to my bed! It's awful. He knows me! He wrote me a card and sent it to me after he attacked me! Saying get well soon! The sick thing is it means he was near me while I was out cold after my op :s it really scares me! Was you ever sick because of what happened i keep throwing up every time I think of it is this normal? I have lost so much weight I have no idea why? Can I tell you the full story of my rape it may help me get it off my chest please I just need some advise. It happened 1 month 6 days  on a Tuesday at 4:52 I was walking home from school it is a long bus journey from my school to my house when I got off the bus I started walking down the road when a van pulled up beside me and asked for directions but I don't speak so he thought I was being rude and then he realized that I dont speak and then next thingni know someone grabs me off the side walk and shoves me in the back of the van I try and scream and he punches me in the face he had broke my jaw then he starts to take off all my clothes and yells at me to do things I begged and prayed he wouldn't stop he layer on top of me so I couldn't breath as I am only small I'm just 5 ft he was at least 6.5 I tried to move and he AMA he's my head on the van floor by this time I was out cold. I thought I was going to die next thing I know I woke up in hospital where I had bruises every where and he had carved in my back the word "mute" he was awful I am so ashamed. You have to believe me It was my fault I should have carried on walking and ignored him :'( you are the first person I have ever told my story too. I feel so disgusted and dirty. Can you promise me that it is not my fault? Maybe it's a punishment for not being good enough? Why does it feel like my fault? Why does my heart hurt so much?  Smart? Beautiful? Brave haha I don't think so... Haha.  How do you know i am beautiful? I feel so ugly. Inside and out. :(  I am a survivor and I can move on with my life. Do you think I should have gone to the police? You know when it had happened? Was I stupid not to? I keep thinking I see the man who attacked me all the. Time is this normal I keep seeing the same van over and over is it just my imagination? I can't get help, I'm to messed up and I can't physically talk. I need to run. It will solve things he won't find me! And I can't take a walk because it is midnight here and my ankle is wrecked. Im scared. I hurt everywhere. I'm so sorry. I truly am. I did something really stupid. God will never forgive me!! I cut myself and worse. I tried to hang my self. Please don't say anything I'm so ashamed! I can't cope any more. He found me and raped me again he will come back! I can't eat I can't seep I can't even shower! I CBS tho to the police i am just going to have to live with it. Maybe I am just one of those people that is meant to suffer? Don't cry because of me, I'm strong, tough as old boots as we like to say In England. I'm nothing special, I'm quite worthless to be honest, so don't cry, I'll be fine. I will just have to deal with it. He will keep raping me but it kind of doesn't hurt any more. I just have to stop fighting he said then he won't hurt me. 

This kept on for a while the emails. Sorry not going to go through all the emails for privacy reasons but what happen was that she finally was able to get out of that house where she was being raped and into the foster care system where she was placed in a good home. The reason for her story is the show you all that no matter how long you have suffered or how you have suffered, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You can survive the worse things that have happened to you and live a good life no matter what. I hope you are encouraged by this story. SPEAK OUT AND SEEK HELP. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE STRONG. WE ARE SURVIVORS. NO MORE VICTIMS NO MORE SILENCE!!!!!!!

I also wanted to add to this that what ever this girl has been through was NOT HER FAULT!!!! So who ever thinks that i am telling you do not post any negative comments on my blog. I will delete your comments and will report it. None of what we have suffered is our faults. We didnt ask for this. SO dont you dare say its her fault or our fault. We were victims. So don't you dare say it is.!!!!!!!!!!!

Lets End The Silence of Sexual Abuse!!!!!!!

Lets end the silence of sexual abuse in this world. We as survivors should stand strong together and use our voices to share our stories and break the silence of our abuse and the abuse of others. I have chosen to be a voice to those who are in need of one and need courage to come up and speak out. We all should stand strong and fight this endless fight. This topic should not be taken lightly. I believe there are so many people who want to come forward but are too afraid to because of what people may think of them. No matter what anyone says, it is not our faults that this happen. We did nothing wrong nor did we provoke our abusers to attack us in that way. It doesnt matter how we dress or how we act. It doesn't have to be that way. We should be able to act how we want and dress how we like to dress without having someone trying to take advantage of us. Why is it that most victims are to blame? Its because of the outfits we choose to wear. Yes we do have the freedom to wear what we like and everything. It shouldnt make a difference but for me since i was already molested twice i do not wear anything that isnt appropriate. We should use of voices to end this abuse. To end the silence of so many people. We are not alone. If we all come together we all can make a difference. Even if we help one person speak out, it still counts for something. So lets start something all together. Lets stand strong!!!! Lets fight against the silence!!!!! Lets use our voices and shed light on the issues of silence. We can and we will do this. NO MORE VICTIMS!!!!! NO MORE SILENCE!!!!!! THE TIME IS NOW. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. LETS NOT LET OUR ABUSERS KEEP CONTROL OF US. WE SURVIVED. WE ARE STRONG. WE LIVED!!!!!!

RJ Helton - Delicate Child

Contradicting myself........

I know I encourage others to speak out against the abuse they have endured and seek justice even though I have not done so myself. I have explain myself several times throughout my blog but i will again explain why i have not nor will i seek justice for what happened to me. The reason(s) why i have not sought out justice is because 1) I have not told my mother her husband has molested me for a few years and 2) Because she has a heart condition and i don't want the guilt to fall on me if anything happens to her. The reason I did not tell her is because when I tried to tell her about the time her own brother molested me she did not believe me. So if she didn't believe me then why would she believe me about her husband even though at one point his own family told my mother not to marry him because he had a record of molesting his previous relationships daughters but she still married him. My mother has a heart problem now. She cant be under alot of stress. If i were to tell her now that he had molested me she would be hurt because she loves him to much and/or she would become very angry and want to hurt him. Then she could end up in the hospital and if something bad happens to her I wouldn't forgive myself. I may not have an extremely close relation with my mom but I couldn't do that to her. There has been many times where i wanted to tell her but she would either shut me up or i just couldnt work up the nerve to tell her. I have come to a point where i am realizing i am doing myself damage by not letting her know. I am healing from it but the fact i don't have her support hurts. A mother is suppose to protect her child and not let anyone harm their child. She is not suppose to walk away and not do anything. I wish i had someone when all of this was happening to me so i can do more about it. But i didn't. I had kept silent for over 10yrs. But i have spoken out this year and it feel great to finally find a way to speak out. I have found great survivors on the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook fan page. Mariska Hargitay is the founder and president of the foundation. She has helped so many. She is amazing. She is an inspirational person. But the point i am trying to make is dont wait until so long to speak out and get help. That was my problem. Although i still havent gotten the full help that i may need but the way i find true healing is when i am helping someone else who is going through the same thing get the help they need. Please help me and join me and sharing my voice and story and lets stand up against abuse and speak out for justice.

Lean On Me- Kirk Franklin (Sung by Crystal Lewis)

Helping others speak out.....

Hey guys you all have read how i was abused. I have written before that my abuse had started around the ages of 10 and 13 but the truth is that t started happening before. I DID NOT LIE!!! I just blocked it out because i didn't want to admit to myself that the abuse was occurring for a while. I wanted it to be a one time thing and that's it. But in reality its not a one time thing. The abuse occurred on and off since maybe around 8 or 9. So its not that much sooner than what i had said but it did happen earlier. I hated that i went through this. But again i say that if i did not experience all these bad things, I wouldn't be as strong as i am now. I am stronger not only because i am a survivor but because i am using my voice and i am shedding light to an issue that doesn't seem to be talked about to often. Keeping silent is a choice most victims do but at the same time by speaking it you can help others come forward and help them seek justice. You have so much support and i am here for you. Please join and speak out against silence

Why do you think people prefer silence over speaking out...........

The reason i started this project and asking this question is because SILENCE! is a huge topic that is going on and there are many who are silent for many reason. I have asked this question and i have receive several answers. You will be surprised at the answers and how many people feel the same way about remaining silent.

WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE PREFER SILENCE OVER SPEAKING OUT?

- because their scared and feel lonely and blame them selfs even though they had no control of it and people not believing them
- Don't wanna be looked down on. Or someone judging me, or saying it wasn't really abuse, compared to what others go thru...
-Hi Tara, I am a survivor that stayed quiet for almost 8 years. I really encourage others to speak out because my silence was a very lonely place. I have actually put my story out for others to read. My hope is that it might help at least one person break their silence. Also finding the strength to speak out may result in justice. I dont think any survivor would regret coming forward knowing justice was served. :)
- Because of shame, guilt and not being believed. It's also very scary to come forward. I only "managed" thx to Mariska . Love, C
-don't think its better I just think shame, abusers control, u want 2 forget it happened...u can 4awhile but it will come back up then I had 2 speak up b/c a dear friend came forward for me and no one believed me!
-Hey Tara I think that many people remain silent because the reality is it is very hard to come forward. A lot of people don't want to hear it, they just stick their heads in the sand. Its is very sad, sometimes things can go very bad for someone when they first expose the abuse. But on a personal note, I would not change coming forward at all. I became a pariah amongst most of my family. But I felt like I had to keep moving forward. I owe it to my self. Keeping a secret like this festers away. I am worth more. 
-I prefer silence because nobody can judge my opinions. Its keeping things inside my head. It's easier to focus sometimes with silence. 




THESE ARE THE ANSWERS I HAVE RECEIVE. 
So the point of this project was to see how many people actually feels ashamed of their abuse. For a long time i was ashamed of what happened to me. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like i did something to make them hurt me. But WE DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!! WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS. ITS NOT OUR FAULT THAT THOSE PEOPLE ARE SICK AND WOULD WANT TO HURT CHILDREN AND WOMEN. We are survivors. We should stand strong by each others side. I have found so much support through the JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION BY MARISKA HARGITAY AND ALSO THROUGH RAINN. The people that helped me speak out were from the Joyful Heart. I found other survivors that supported me and encourage me to speak out. I may have not sought justice but i know i am safe because i moved out my house in which i was abused. He can no longer have control of me. Thats the beauty of speaking out. Your abusers can no longer control you. By staying silent its like allowing them to have control of your life. YOU CAN BREAK THAT CHAIN. YOU CAN BE SET FREE. SPEAK OUT WHEN YOUR READY TO SPEAK OUT. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT NOW BUT WHEN YOUR READY YOU WILL HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE STANDING BEHIND YOU AND GIVING YOU THE SUPPORT THAT YOU NEED. I am here for you all. Don't make the mistake i made and not seeking justice. Thank God he is still with my mother because there are no more children being hurt. But if you have people who are supporting you and actually believe you then go on and SPEAK OUT. NO MORE VICTIMS NO LONGER SILENT. WE ARE BREAKING THAT CYCLE RIGHT NOW!!!! NO LONGER ALLOWING OUR ABUSERS HAVE CONTROL. 

Thankful...

I first want to start off by saying that i am thankful to all those who started following my blog and who are also getting healed through reading my blog. I want to continue to encourage you all to speak out against abuse. I know i may have already said this but i can't stress this enough the reason why i couldn't speak out and seek justice. Yes i am speaking out online and such but i cant do it pubically because of my mother. If you look through all my post, i cant remember which one, i had written that i couldn't tell my mother because she wouldn't believe me and she loves her husband dearly. She also suffers from heart problems so i dare not tell her now what her precious husband had done to me. I never sought justice because she didnt believe that he could do such thing. The worse part of it all is that his family even told her not to marry him because he had a history of molesting girls from his previous relationship but she ignored everyone and still married him. It makes me sick to hear that and know that she still chose him after being told something like that. What mother in the right mind would chose a man like that and who had a history like that. I promised myself that i would never do such thing and i would believe my child if they told me something like that. I hate that she is in denial about everything. There has been times that i wanted to tell her about it but i couldnt work up the courage to tell her. I wish i could go back in time and stop this from ever happening. I know this may sound wrong but in ways what i been through made me the person i am today. I am stronger. I am wiser. I am a survivor and through my story and through my blog i know that someone out there will see this and have the courage the speak out and tell someone. Please dont make the same mistake i made and not tell when it first happens. Get the help you need. I chose to be quiet because i was ashamed of myself for allowing it to happen. I felt it was my fault. But you know what IT WASNT MY FAULT!!!!!!! Same goes to you!!! ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!! We never asked for this to happen to us. We never wanted this. DO NOT ALLOW those who harmed you say that you asked for this. We never did nor will ever ask for something like this to happen. Its not our fault.No matter who you felt, no matter who your body felt during the abuse its not your fault. Please believe that. There are people who are standing by and who will support you and stand by your side like myself. I have chosen to use my voice and share my story with the world. I have chosen to be a voice to those who have kept silent for many years. You are not alone. I am here. Please SPEAK OUT!!!! NO MORE SILENCE!!!!

Older Men.....

I have always wondered why suddenly i have been attracted to older men. I realized that its because i was molested by my step-dad and uncle and my real father was not around as much. Him and my mother have been divorce since i about 2 and a half and 3 so my stepfather raised me since then. I pretty much viewed him as my father. He was always there for me. He took care of me. When i was sick he would rubbed vicks vapor rub on my back and chest. When he was doing that he would start to rub my nipples with the palm of his hands. Since i saw him as my father i didn't know or think anything of it. I just thought it was normal for a dad to do that to his child. As i got a little older still only like 9 or 10 or so he would scratch my back. Again i thought nothing of it. He would scratch along side my arm where with his fingers he could touch my breast. I thought nothing of it. I was never taught good touch/bad touch. The first time that he got more into touching me was when i was sick with pneumonia. I was around the age of 10 or so. My mother had gone to Florida to visit my sister at that time. I was in his room which was where the television was at. I was seating on the couch. I was feeling sick so i stayed in his and my moms room. He then would start to kiss me. I didn't know what to do. In many ways my body started to act crazy. I didn't understand what was going on. I hate that reaction. How does a ten year old now about the way her body is suppose to act towards something like this. My body enjoyed it although the rest of me did not. I hate it so much. I wanted to scream but i was sick and i was in a daze. I felt like this couldn't be happening to me. I would stop and tell him to stop but then he would bribe with money and sweets. Then i would still let him touch me. After a while i had gotten up to use the bathroom.Then i went to my room. He then followed me and pinned me against the wall and began moving his body back and forth as though in a sexual manner. Again i didn't know what to do or say. I just stood there and let him do that to me. After years went on i would still let him scratch my back. He even started rubbing me feet when i had started working. When he did that he would start moving his hand more up my pant leg and rub my legs. I felt uncomfortable but again me body felt otherwise. I hate the fact that my body enjoyed that. I hate myself for allowing that man to continue to touch me even after what he did. I couldn't stand it. The sad part to all of this isn't what happened to me but the fact that i couldn't tell my mother. When i had told her about my uncle she didn't do anything about it so why would she do something with this man. So the point that i am getting is that by all of this that happen to me, not having a true male role model in my life or daddy figure, i am drawn to other men. I guess i am just looking for that guy to give me the love i never felt from my stepdad nor my real father. So i am praying that i can change and not allow my abuse to have that much control over my life. So i am speaking out against remaining silent and from allowing my abuse to control my life. I am no longer a victim but am a strong survivor.

Pros and Cons of keeping silent........

I have decided to make my own pros and con list of why it is hard to keep silent and to most why it is ok to keep silent.These are what i think happens since it happened to me. Im going to start off with the Cons.... Here we go....
Cons
-Your emotions go haywire.
-Your flashbacks are worse.
-Flashbacks are more frequent.
-Since you kept the hurt to yourself in ways you try to deny it happened
-You start to believe that is was your fault.
-You feel like you deserve it
-You begin to think no one will believe you.
-You become depress and start to cut yourself.

Pros
WELL THERE ARE NO PROS TO KEEPING SILENT. SPEAK OUT NOW. DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE I DID. I NEVER SPOKE OUT TO SOMEONE ABOUT MY ABUSE. I KEPT SILENT FOR 10+ YRS. NO ONE BELIEVE. NO EVEN MY MOTHER. IF THERE IS SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOU AND HELP YOU OUT PLEASE GO AND TALK TO THEM ABOUT YOUR ABUSE. DON'T HOLD IN IT. ITS NOT WORTH THE PAIN. THE SUFFERING YOU HAVE TO ENDURE WHEN YOU KEPT SILENT. I WAS SUICIDAL AT ONE POINT. I USED TO CUT MYSELF. I STOPPED BECAUSE I WAS ABLE TO MOVE OUT THE HOUSE EVEN THOUGH IT TOOK MY TIL I WAS 24 YEARS OLD. YOU HAVE TO SPEAK OUT. PLEASE!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I MAY NOT BE THERE PHYSICALLY BUT I AM HERE FOR THOSE WHO NEED SUPPORT. ALTHOUGH I WAS NOT RAPED BUT I WAS MOLESTED TWICE SO I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE HURT. ITS HARD. BUT IN THE END YOU WILL BE OK. YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT. AS WELL AS SUPPORT FROM OTHER SURVIVORS AND PLACES TO GO TO. I FOUND SUPPORT THROUGH THE JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION WHICH WAS CREATED BY MARISKA HARGITAY. SHE IS AMAZING AND SHE HELPS VICTIMS. YOU CAN REACH OUT TO THAT FOUNDATION. VISIT THE WEBSITE. THERE IS ALSO ONE CALLED RAINN. YOU HAVE OPTIONS. I DIDNT. PLEASE GET HELP. IM HERE IF YOU NEED ENCOURAGEMENT OR JUST THAT LITTLE PUSH. YOU CAN DO IT. I HAVE FAITH IN YOU ALL. DON'T GIVE OUR ABUSERS THAT JUSTICE. THE FACT THAT THEY HAD POWER OVER US. WE ARE NO LONGER VICTIMS. WE ARE SURVIVORS AND WE WILL STAND STRONG TOGETHER.

Child Abuse

Child Abuse in America

Children are suffering from a hidden epidemic of child abuse and neglect. Over 3 million reports of child abuse are made every year in the United States; however, those reports can include multiple children. In 2009, approximately 3.3 million child abuse reports and allegations were made involving an estimated 6 million children. 

GENERAL STATISTICS    


   . A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds

*More than five children die every day as a result of child abuse.

Approximately 80% of children that die from abuse are under the age of 4. 

It is estimated that between 50-60% of child fatalities due to maltreatment are not recorded as such on death certificates. 

More than 90% of juvenile sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator in some way. 

Child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse. 

About 80% of 21 year olds that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder. 

The estimated annual cost of child abuse and neglect in the United States for 2007 is $104 billion. 

• Abused children are 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy. 
• Abused teens are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at greater risk for STDs.
• 14% of all men in prison in the USA were abused as children. 
• 36% of all women in prison were abused as children. 
• Children who experience child abuse & neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violent crime. 
• One-third to two-thirds of child maltreatment cases involve substance use to some degree. 
• Children whose parents abuse alcohol and other drugs are three times more likely to be abused and more than four times more likely to be neglected than children from non-abusing families.
• As many as two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse reported being abused or neglected as children.

Should I or Shouldnt I........

Well some may already now that i am majoring in psychology. I will be getting my bachelors degree in four years to become a counselor for victims since i have been through the same things as them. My biggest fear is that i will not be able to keep my composure when it comes to counseling them. Im afraid of triggers, emotions and memories of the abuse. I hate when my emotions get the best of me. I hate when i have to deal with the memories of what happened to me. I hate that. I can deal with what happened to me but when it comes to the emotions its really hard to get through them. Why is that? So my thing is this. Am i really going for the right career path? Or am i just going to have to deal with this and just follow my dreams. I know the answer to this question. Just needed to say it aloud. I know i can help many women and children just through my own experiences. I have already been helping people and i love the responses im getting from it. It makes me feel better when i can make someone who has been through a rough time feel better and understand that what happened to them was not their fault. I know that what i been through was not my fault. Some times i still struggle with things that happened to me. Some times i feel disgusted at the fact that my body enjoyed what it been through. I hate that. I hate myself at times because of that. I don't like it at all. But i learned that its normal for that to happen. It doesn't mean that we wanted it to happened or that we actually enjoyed it. Another thing that i hated was that i did not stop him right away. Its like i wanted more. I still hate myself for allowing myself to do that. I hate it. One thing that i have to say is this; one episode of Law and Order SVU Mariska Hargitay's character Det. Olivia said something that made me think. She said that some victims tend to seek out older men in relationships to fell in the void of not having that male figure in your life. I tend to do that. For some reason i am attracted to older men. I like them. Not sure if it has to do with what i been through but that made me think about what im doing. Is it really wrong though. Anyway i just wanted to share this little piece of my life at the moment and what im thinking about. I know i made the right choice in my degree and i hope i can succeed in it.

How i covered my abuse.......

I know i have shared my story so many times and i keep adding some more things to it but there are some things i didn't talk about. And that is how i acted and the things i did to get or feel the love that i never truly felt. What i mean is that the fact that i was abused by two males in my family destroyed me. I felt like i could never truly be loved by a man and even til this day even though i try my best to not allow myself to do the things that i am about to share, but  feel at times what man will love me after knowing what happen to me. Or am i going to be able to trust a man. Before i go into that again what i want to share is this. When i was 20yrs old i had my first real boyfriend. He was a sweet guy. I had known him since elementary school. When we were together i had told him what happened to me. He was shocked about it but told me he would never hurt me. Although he had not hurt me the problem was that i allowed myself to fall so hard for this guy. Although i had known him for a long time, it had been years since i hadn't seen or heard from him. Anyway he turned out to be the first guy i had sex with. I was very nervous and scared. I really did care about him. We ended up breaking things off because he was not working and i was. He wanted to try and fix his life before getting more serious. What happen after that is what im trying to make a point out of. After him for some reason i wanted to keep having sex. It felt good to me. I felt loved every time i was intimate with this guy or a guy for that matter. Several months after we broke up we met up again and we started sneaking around to fool around with each other. I was craving that intimacy. I wanted so badly to feel loved by a man. I didn't grow up with my real dad. For me my dad was my step-dad although he molested me. He said he loved me but what father loves his daughter and then molests her. That's no father. Any way I felt that love from the guys i started having sex with. After him months passed and i found someone else. Again i feel hard for this person. The worse part i found him online. I was so desperate to have a man in my life instead of waiting for the right one i would go and search for him. I thank God i didnt not turn out pregnant which i almost did with the second guy or end up with a STD. I did some crazy things but after a while of talking to some friends i realized that my actions was me crying out for help and trying to tell you there is something wrong with my. Why dont you pay attention and ask me whats going on. That was the problem with my mom. She was never one to sit down with you and ask you how was your day at school or if you were upset about something she would tell you to suck it up and get over it. That is why i still struggle with my emotions. I still hide them and get embarrassed when they show. But going back to what i was saying. My point to all of this is that since i was abused and wasnt or didnt have anyone to run to about it, i covered it up by acting out in a sexual manner when i got older. Im 24 now and im still struggling to not make that mistake again. I still need some healing in my. These wounds to me are still fresh because of the fact that i held everything in for over ten years. So what im saying is that although now i started talking about my abuse i still struggle with memories, emotions and how my body wants to do things that i dont want. My abuse took that toll on me and im done with. I choose to be now and forever a SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AND USE MY VOICE TO SPEAK OUT.

Where i am now........

Well as of now i am a college student. I started school in June of this year. I am majoring in Psychology to become a counselor for victims who have been abused. I always wanted to be a social worker or teacher when i was younger. I love working with children and talking to people and helping them get through a rough time. As i got older the career choices i had didn't really feel so good to me any more. The thing was that i was never motivated to go and pursue what i had wanted to be because my parents never finished school so to them going to college wasn't as important as it is to others. So the fact that it took me til now to go to college was not so much as being lazy but the fact of not being motivated to go to school and get a higher education. Anyway the go back to what i was saying my passion to become a counselor was when i started speaking out about what happen to me. Although i just begin speaking out online this year i actually spoke out before when i would be with them. Also some of my friends would always ask me for advice for whatever they were going through and i realized that i loved talking to them. I love helping them. But honestly it was not until i found out about Mariska Hargitay's Joyful Heart Foundation and the fact that through my blog i had people reaching out to me because i am a survivor of molestation. The asked for my help and i was able to help those through my experiences. It was then that i actually looked into Ashford University which is an online university to pursue my career to become a counselor. I want to help women, children and teens. I have an act for working with mostly teens but i want to work with women older as well. My passion grow from wanting to be a social worker to becoming a counselor. I love that i can help those and hope one day i can share my story publically and reach out to many more.

How i truly feel..................

Hey guys. Well as you know I've written my story here several times just differently. I just want to apologize in advance because I had left out some things. I've said in  prevous post that i was molested by my uncle and stepdad. That is true but the age i said i was being molested was a bit off. I couldnt fully remember when my stepdad started molesting me or even touching me. I said that it started with my uncle but i started to remember that it started with my stepdad. When i was younger, (younger then ten) i used to get sick alot. As usually you put vicks vaper rub on your chest and back to help you breathe better, etc. Well my mom would allow my stepdad to rub vicks on my chest and back. What she didnt know was that as he was rubbing the vicks on my chest he would start rubbing my nipples and smiling as if he was enjoying himself. At that age I didnt know that it was wrong what he was doing. Like I said before I was not taught the difference betweent bad touch good touch so i though nothing wrong of it. Plus he had been raising me since about the age of two or so. Anyway i am ashamed that i allowed that to happen. Every time I think about my body reacted to the touch i feel disguisting. My body in some ways enjoyed it. I hate myself for allowing that to happen. I get sick at the thought of it. My point is though that I know its not my fault and  at times i wish i can go back and change everything. But at the same time if i didnt go through what i experience i would be where i am at at the the moment. I would not have found so much courage to help others. If i would not have meet those incredible survivors from Joyful Heart Foundation I wouldnt have the courage to speak out at all. I worry at times because i never got the chance to speak out publically and seek justice but in reality i didnt want to press charges. For a long time and even at times now i feel what i went through wouldnt be taken seriously in the court room and he would walk. I know that in ways i am letting him walk for not seeking justice but the fact that my mother loves him and has chosen his side over me i cant put her through that pain. I rather let it out then to have to lose my mother over him. Again i did lose her in some ways but in some ways im glad i didnt go through the justice system. I wouldnt be able to deal with all the publicity. I do one day want to do more about it but right now, like i said before, i found my justice by moving out. He cant touch me anymore. So i am safe.

ANOTHER PART OF MY LIFE!!!!

Again to do those who knows all about my life so far and all i have been through you will know where im going with this. I cant stress this enough. Its hard for me to go out and speak out in public. My mom doesnt know nor will believe me so she will not support me. I have a huge support system and friends who truly believe me and who will stick by me but the fact of not having my mother, the one who is suppose to protect you and stick by your side no matter what, kills me inside and out. Its hard not having her protection there. The hardest part of it all was that she was visiting family in florida the time my stepdad decided to molest me and on top of it all i was sick. He took advantage of me that whole time he was taking care of me. (im going off track here for a reason) When i was younger, I cant remember how old i was; maybe around 8 or 9, my stepdad used to rub vicks on my chest to help me breathe better through the night when i was sick. One time as he did that he started rubbing with the palm of  his hand my nipple and just smiled at me like he was enjoying himself. I know now that he was in fact enjoying himself because of what he did shortly after. Anyway at that time I really didnt think much to it because i was never taugh GOOD TOUCH/BAD TOUCH so i didnt know or understand what was going on at that moment. It was terrible. Now getting back to what i was saying. The point is that my mom allowed these things to happen rather she knew it or not. She missed to warning signs and just didnt believe when i tried to say something. There was a time i tried to tell her. I didnt say the horrible details but i told how he would give me these looks and then smile at whenever i sat in an inappropiate possession. I sometimes feel its my fault because i sat that way. I didnt know i was sitting wrong. But i tried to tell her but she just shut me up. The worst part of it all was that his family told my mother not to marry him because he had a record before of molested his ex girlfriend's daughter. Who in the right mind will marry a man who had that on his record. Anyway again my point is that even though i have a huge support group on my side who will stick by me, i cant do anything about what happen to me. What i AM doing is going to college to become a counselor for women/children/teens like me who never had someone to speak out to.

The true reason why I wont nor why I couldnt seek justice

Those who are following my blog who have fully read my story knows that I havent sought justice for being molested by my stepdad and uncle. The true reason is 1) i was really scared and had no one to talk to about it. 2) My mother didnt believe me the first time it happen so i never told her about the second time. 3)Finally i waited over ten years to start speaking out about which was the beginning of this year. I couldnt seek justice because I didnt have anyone to help me through the process. Now that i am older and i had looked up the statute of limitation for the state of connecticut i have until my 48th birthday to report the abuse. Even if i wanted to i cant. The fact of the matter is that my mother is still my stepdad regardless of what happen. She sticks by his side no matter what and if i tried to tell her what happen she wouldnt believe me. I had tried to tell her many times, well not all the details, she just shut me up and made me apologize to him. It was sickening. Since i started speaking out through twitter, joyful heart foundation facebook page, and experience project i have had people reach out to me and ask for my help. I encourage them to seek help. I tell them my story and explain why i couldnt. As much as it may sound contradicting, its not. I say to seek justice because i dont want anyone to make the same mistakes i had made and had to deal with the emotions that came after. All the flashbacks, memories, painful emotions. The reason i cant tell my mother fully is because she now suffers from heart problems and if i tried to tell her i dont want to be the blame for her illness or something much worse. I cant put her through that. I choose to continue to carry this burden. I have forgiven him but im so disgusted. I hated having to live at home and walk by him like nothing has happen. I smile on the outside but on the inside i am suffering and screaming yet no one can hear me. SO I continue to encourage others to please dont make the same mistake i did. I think to myself at times and wonder maybe i can still go through the court process but for what. I cant. But you still can. Dont give up. Seek justice. Its late for me but theres still time for you. I just thank the joyful heart foundation and their amazing president and founder Mariska Hargitay because they are incredible. Mariska is not only a face on a cause but she is truly involved with the victims. Her role on the show as Det. Olivia Benson has a huge role in my speaking out. She gave me courage and helped me realize that its not my fault no matter how it happen. Mariska is awesome and i would love to meet her one day. She is one of my reason why im pursueing career in Psychology to become a counselor for women like myself as well as child/teens. Ive always wanted to do this. This has been a passion but with Law and Order svu and Mariska,, they have helped me truly seek my goal.

Many whys??? Hows? Whos? Whats?

Since i have been speaking out about my abuse its been pretty hard. I look back and think why couldnt i talk to anyone about it. Why did i have to have a mother who stuck by the man who abused her daughter. Why? Why wasnt i protected? Who was going to save me? If my mother couldnt or wouldnt protect me who would? These are questions i struggle with sometimes and it really hurts. What mother in the right mind will allow her husband to molest her daughter and not do anything about it. It hurts to have to live with that. There has been many many times i tried to tell her about it but she told me to shut up and stop lieing. That hurts. Why does parents tell their children they never wanted them or wishes they were never born? That happen to me. My mother told me all growing up she never wanted me. How can you say that? So many times hearing that i began to believe that she never loved me and i always felt like black sheep of the family. I began believing that i must be a horrible child/daughter for her to tell me that. Who says things like that to their children?Who? Why? What have i done? What if i was born into another family? Would I still had to endure all this pain? Would it have been easier? Would it have been worse? Would I have been truly loved? So many questions not enough answers. Growing up i have always believed that what had happen to me wasnt such a big deal. I didnt know bad touch/good touch. My mom never taught. I found out on my own when it happen and i felt uneased about it. I was never taught. I always thought it was ok for my stepdad to touch me a cetain way because he raised me my who life. Im almost 24. Its took me over ten years to finally speak out and realize what i went through was bad and it shouldnt be permitted. Its not appropriate for a father, stepdad, uncle whoever it is to touch you inappropriately. I just realized that. Its hard to have to endure so much pain and have to continue to suffer in silence. I may have had courage to speak out online to the joyful heart foundation but i dont have the courage to have to speak out pubically and seek justice the right way. I found my own justice by taking a stand and speaking out online and offering my help to those who need it who never had someone to talk to. I found my justice when i decided to finally move out the house where i was being abuse. I spoke out. Its hard to have to still put on a fake smile when im around my stepdad and uncle who molested as well as my mom for not doing anything about it. I hated having to walk around the house as if nothing has happen to me when inside i am screaming for help. So my point is this. Even though there are so m any questions floating around in your mind there is only one answer. YOU SURVIVED!!!!NO LONGER A VICTIM!!!!

Statute of limitation for state of connecticut

Connecticut does not have a common law discovery provision, but the existing special statute allows action within 30 years from the date a victim reaches the "age of majority." This means that generally a victim has until the day before his or her 48th birthday to file suit. Victims must, however, contact an attorney long before that deadline in order to have a suit properly prepared.There are some exceptions to the statute of limitations. For instance, in the case against Saint Francis Hospital for the sexual abuse by Dr. Reardon, there are a large number of cases that have been filed for victims who were over the age of 48 when they sued. Those suits have been based upon the theories of breach of fiduciary duty and fraudulent concealment of Dr. Reardon's crimes by the hospital. 

Connecticut victims can bring civil actions for injuries arising from childhood sexual abuse suffered until the day before their 48th birthday.

The question of whether the statute should be applied retroactively was answered in the affirmative by the Connecticut Supreme Court inRoberts v. Caton, 224 Conn. 483, 619 A.2d 844 (1993).

In Giordano v. Giordano, 39 Conn. App. 183 (1995), the appellate court held that the statute does not violate either due process or equal protection. The Giordano court also held that latches is not a valid defense to a claim of sexual abuse brought within the statute of limitations.

Connecticut trial courts are applying the special statute of limitations to non-perpetrators applying the Federal District Court's decision inAlmonte v. New York Medical College, 851 F. Supp. 34 (D. Conn. 1994) (Nevas, J.).

ACCORDING TO THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT HAS UNTIL THEIR 48TH BIRTHDAY TO REPORT THE ABUSE. 

Since im 23 and still have not reported my abuse i have about 24 more years if i wanted to press charges on my stepfather for molesting me. I honestly dont want to seek justice because it is not worth it. Its hard to have to say that but in my case it was be very difficult. My mother will not stand by my side on this so i will be alone. The only person who would do so would be my sister. She is the only one in my family who stands by me and supports me. So my point is that even though i have plenty of time i cant see myself doing so. Its funny because i encourage others to speak out and seek justice yet i cant do so myself. I know it sounds wrong but i cant do anything. This is out of my hands. 

Why is it hard to accept being in a safe place?

Why is it hard to accept being in a safe place is a question that most victims have a hard time answering. Not to sound harsh or anything especially being a victim of molestation myself but most victims get use to the abuse and when the time come to seek justice and be saved from it, it becomes difficult to actually stand up and go away and get the protection you need. Forgive  me if im wrong but for me I find it hard to move out aftering growing up with the one who abused me. I just moved out and i know i am safe here but at times it feels weird to actually be away. I am not used to having a safe home and having support from people who actually believe me and want to help me. Im grateful that I had the courage and strength to stand up and get away. But it took me til now to move out and im 23. Its hard to break out of that situation especially when you dont have the support from your mom if the one who is harming you is your father or stepfather. In my situation it was my stepfather who hurt me and my mom never did anything about it or believed it. Even though i had said in previous post that i never told my mom well honestly i havent told her fully about everything that had happened. I tried at one point to say something but she just shut me up and turned away and stuck by her man. Some my say that mothers will aways have their children side but that is not true. That is part of the reason to why its hard to accept a safe home because our mothers are suppose to protect us from harm and not allow danger to come near us. But in my case it didnt happen. My mom stuck by her man and til this day she is still with him. And i posted previous i never had the courage to seek justice. Since i was in the state of connecticut according to a link i found on the statute of limitations residents of that state has until their 48th birthday to report the abuse. So i still have time if i really wanted to. But like i posted before the way i sought justice was by moving out and not allowing that man to have control of my life. So i now have accepted my safe home which is at my sisters home. I feel place and my mind is at ease. I have been able to sleep better and the emotions nor flashbacks have not bothered me since i been here. So i encourage those who have read my blog or are interested in my blog who struggle with this issue please accept being in a safe place. No one can cause you harm. You will feel the freedom. You will be able to live in peace and not have to worry about someone walking into your room in the middle of the night. Trust me.

justice

even though i have been talking to others, those who reached out to me in need, i tell them they should try and seek help and tell the police what happen but when it comes to myself i cant seem to seek justice for my abuse. the things its been over ten years since i was molested. when it first happen i was afraid to say anything. he then started bribing me to keep silent and it worked. i was around the age of 12 or so maybe younger when my stepdad molested me which also felt like i was being raped just with clothes on. it was horrible. its hard to try and do something about it because of the fact that no one believes hes capable of such a thing like that. even my mother is in denial and still with him. even though i was still living at home until recently that i decided to move in with my sister in new jersey i know i will be more at peace and at ease. i will no longer have the fear of him trying to sneak in my room in the middle of the night. i will no longer have to hide myself and the way i dress because hes around and he looks at me like he wants to do more. i no longer have to hurt myself to help stop the pain and memories of my abuse. i am at peace now. to me that is my justice!! i may not have gone to the police and reported it but i did take a big step and finally moved out. i honestly dont know myself how i managed to live with my abuser and my mom who is in denial and chose her husband over us. i love her and everything but its wrong. but like i said ive moved out and that is my justice.

my abuse has control of me

for a long time ever since i was molested i would wear certain clothes since i was still living at home with my one of the abusers. i was always covering up. in the summer time i was wear long pants or capris never shorts. even in the house it would be hot but i would never wear shorts. others things are when people touch me i tend to twitch. i dont like being touch especially by men. in some ways i do in others i dont. even when family hugs me or such i feel uncomfortable. now that im away from my home where my abuser still lives and i know im safe with my sister now i still cant break out of that habit of always covering up. i try to not be that way but its hard because of the simple fact that i lived in the house of my abuser who i call my stepfather. i hate that its taking me long to break free from him. i know i only started speaking out about it just the beginning of the year but its really hard. now that i chose to live with my sister its still going to take me a while to break out of my old habits and be comfortable with the way i look and the way i dress. my sister told me something interesting. she said that im allowing him to have control of me because i wouldnt wear certain things around him. even though she a point in some ways how do you expect me to wear shorts or tanks tops around the man who molested me when i was like 12 or so. i cant do that. its uncomfortable. im trying to break free from that and everything but its really hard. even when my dear and beautiful friend teri posted something on her blog not to long ago about sexual assault having control or something similiar it helped me realize that i should allow my abuse or abuser have that control of me. but in some parts i still do. but im not giving up. im holding my head up high and trying not to give up

SAFE!!

well some of you know that i am spending time with my sister here in new jersey. im staying for the whole summer since im jobless at the moment. i needed this break because of the fact that i still live at home with my parents and my stepdad was one of my abuser. since i been here with my sister i feel so much safer. i havent had bad nights. i actually sleep alot better and i havent been under alot of stress. they offered me to live with them permanently but im not sure. i feel like a child always asking for permission from my mom to do things on my own when im 23 years old. my childhood was taken away from me and i now is my chance to redeem it. im just not sure if it would be the right move. but all i know is that i feel so much safer here. and i know that if i move here things would be so much better and healthier for me. im just so confused and worried that im doing something wrong. all thanks to my abusers i lost my childhood and my way of feeling. it really sucks to be this way. i feel like a child trapped in an adults body. im not tough or strong like everyone else. i have so many fears and its stopping me from moving forward. but all i know is that since i been here with my sister i feel safe. theres a warmth coming in this home and its so peaceful. i know its the grace of God surrounding me here and protecting me. i dont want this to end. this is my safe home.

Can't Give Up Now- by mary mary(with lyrics)

how i broke my silence

well as you all know i was molested when i was younger by two family members they would bribe me not to say anything. and it did work. i was so scared that if i said anything i would get in trouble. in some ways they made me feel special and now that i look back at it i feel so ashamed and disgusted i let it happen. but after years of keeping in side it really affected me for years. i was so emotional and couldnt sleep well. i was feeling depressed and wanted to hurt myself. i couldnt take it any more. and this was going on for the past ten years. it wasnt until i came across the joyful heart foundation on facebook and met survivors who helped me and encouraged me to speak out about what happened to me. so my point to this is that dont let anyone silence you with anything. ways they can silence you is by bribing you, telling you that your special, telling you that if you say some thing they will harm someone you know or yourself. these are just a few things. dont let them silence you. no one has that right. so speak out. find someone you trust that will help you. i found the joyful heart foundation. theres plenty of centers and people you can speak to. i broke me silence after ten years, how long will it take you before you will. dont deal with all the pain alone. your not alone and im here for anyone.

AWAY

well like i had written before that i still live at home with one of my abusers because he is my stepfather. its hard to be there all the time. everyday i walk around the house and i feel so uncomfortable. the fact that my mother doesn't or refuses to believe that he is capable of doing such a things get me angry. her eyes are blinded and i hate the way they act with each other. anyway the point of me writing this is to say that for the next month ill will be staying with my sister visiting her and the kids. i needed to get out of my house. the fact that i walk around like nothing is wrong yet inside im screaming for help affects me. i cry myself to sleep most nights. i started cutting myself again because the pain, emotions and the memories from the nights and weeks i was molested from both my uncle and step-dad became unbearable caused me to black out sometimes. i still have bad nights but not as bad as i used to. Ive come very far from to time i began to speak out about what had happened to me. but things have gotten better. be posting everyday or so often is my way to vent and let things out when i dont have anyone else to speak to. but im so thankful for all those who i have met through the joyful heart foundation on Facebook and twitter. Ive met awesome survivors who help and encourage me. im so grateful for those. if you are in a place where you need to be free find someone you can visit for a while. give yourself a break for a bit. you all deserve it. thats what im doing right now. dont let the person or the people who harm you keep you from doing what you need to do to heal and break free. i still haven't had the proper help most have sought but i rely on God. I have friends who help me along the way and without them i dont think i could have made it now. so again i say find a safe place to run to even if its just for a few day, weeks or months.

psalms 51:10-16

"  create in me a new heart o Lord. renew my spirit. do not cast me away from your presence nor take your holy spirit away from me. deliver me from guilt. that my tongue will sing of your righteousness. open my lips and my mouth shall praise"  this is a reduced version of the scriptures. this is one that i try to live by. God has brought me out of the most darkest and dreary place of my past. he has been healing me spiritually. mentally i have my friends from church and those who have reached out to me through the joyful heart foundation. He is the one who gives me the strength to get through each and everyday. without Him i know i wouldnt be here or where i am at this point. i know i got my life back from the moment i broke my silence and spoke out and He is the one who protected me through the years of silence. God bless all of you and may you have a blessed day

our little secret

We both walk around as if nothing happen as if you didnt do anything to me. As i look in the eyes of my abuser who i call my stepdad and he looks at me, his eyes seem to tell me a story. Its our little secret. No one will ever know. No one will believe you. And he smiles. Fear grows inside me and disgust just runs through my veins. I cringe at the sight at him. Why does he have to be like that? Why cant i do anything else to stop him? Those were the questions that ran through my mind after the abuse had occur. But he doesnt know that i have broken the silence and the vow of that secret. He will no longer have control of me. He can look me in the eye and think that no ones know but hes wrong. Thats my little secret. No more silence. Original poem i just came up with.

ive come so far

Ive come so far from where i started from. No body told me the road would be easy but i dont believe He brought me this far to leave me. These are lyrics from a song a believe its from mary mary which is a christian group. These lyrics stood out to me today. Reason being from about 4months ago when i started speaking out til now i have come so far. The memories and flashbacks dont affect me as much as they did in the begining. I have been blessed with amazing friends who have helped me along the way. But i especially have to thank GOD because he is the main reason im still living today. He has shown mercy on me and Hes grace has been with me. I realize that even in the darkest moments of my life HE has always been there to lift me up when i fall down. So i still encourage you that even in the midst of darkness there is a light and when you see that light that shows that our LORD AND SAVIOR is there to take you out. Just reach for HIM. I guarantee you that HE will never leave you.

effects of bottled up emotions

keeping emotions bottled up is not healthy for us. i learned from experience. like i said it took me ten years before i started speaking out about my abuse. i kept it buried away. it wasnt until i found the joyful heart foundation on facebook where i met other like me who helped me to speak out more. anyway after i started speaking out my emotions went crazy. everything that i held inside just came out all at once. i lost sleep. i was crying myself to sleep. i couldnt control how i felt. it affected my way of thinking. i was always giving myself this pity party that its my fault. or that maybe i was dreaming all of this. but it was real. so my point in this is that try not to keep your emotions bottled up. its not good for you. it just gets worse over time. ever since i was younger i never learned how to control my emotion because i was always told to suck it up. im just learning now. its hard but its worth it to be happy in the end.